Progress not Perfection.....

You hear and say this phrase a lot, but oh how quickly we forget it when it comes to practicing it. When I first started my road of recovery I had all these grand ideas that my life would be rosy and happy and I would never be judgemental, crabby, cross, confused, pissed off, angry or just in an all around horse shit mood.....Hmmm.....then how come all that can still can happen in a split second? Because we are human! Our emotions are still our emotions. It would be great to be loving, kind, and accepting 24 hours a day but I can't. I still am judgemental, there are days I'm pissed off and angry, and confused and crabby, but I no longer need a drink to forget those emotions, there's the difference. I live through my emotions and if I act poorly I have to deal with those feelings of shame and guilt too. I remember how shocked my husband acted when two months in I got crabby with him...well at first I felt bad but then I realized "this is life baby" and I can't erase 41 years of habits. Too many times at meetings I hear people take out the "big stick" and start beating themselves in front of the group. We are sooooo good at that. But it does us no good. So put away the big stick. This is a program for life, not overnight. When someone asks me "how's it going in AA?" I give them my standard answer "it's a work in progress". After all perfection never gave me what I wanted so why repeat it over and over expecting different results?! I think I've had enough of that insanity to last me a lifetime...

And more will be revealed.......

People have said this to me over and over. At first I would smile and nod (like what the hell are you talking about) and now I answer them with "I can't wait!" Friday before my sponsor came over I stopped at Barnes and Noble to pick up a CD and my music "hook up" was working. He's a young college kid that I struck up a conversation with and he's an incredible source for every genre you want to listen to. So he saw what I was buying a certain artist and recommended a live uncut version of this person on another CD and of course it's great!(John Mayer if you are wondering) I ignore the tabloids and appreciate his guitar talent. I had forgotten for quite a while how much I love music. Having a gift card to Target I bought myself an I-Pod shuffle and had my son and his friend start filling it up. Saturday on the way to the lake I began to notice how beautiful Wisconsin is. I know most people think of farms, cows, and cheese when they hear Wisconsin but with all the rain we are having the farmland looks like quilt squares in shades of green, and the foliage and forests, and trees are lush, rich and cool. And speaking of cool, so were the temps., but it didn't discourage my children from trying out the new island, raft. I think when you are young you don't notice how cool the water is, you just focus on the fun. My mother and I headed to Goodwill to do a book run.As I was finding books for the kids I came across a sweet small volume of "Jacki Kennedy Onasis's Favorite Poems". It's written by her daughter Caroline Kennedy. Well I know a good deal when I see one, and it was in excellent shape, so I nabbed it. Back at the cabin before the afternoon fire, I opened this little treasure up and spent at least two hours in poetry land. Walt Whitman, Robert Frost, Alfred Lord Tennyson, Langston Hughes, Lord Byron, William Carlos Williams....it was like a family reunion. I have a bachelor of arts in English, and spent many a semester with these people. I had forgotten how much I missed them. The rain set it so we all retreated indoors to a comfortable evening of reading and games. My husband and I crawled in bed with the window open and were serenaded to the songs of frogs, and rain drops softly falling through the trees. I finally got it....more will be revealed. I had been reminded of two things from my past that I love, and that I do not plan on loosing track of anytime soon. I think one of the reasons I pushed these two interests to the back burner was because they happened at a painful time in my life. It was my fourth semester in college, I was ending a two and a half year relationship, I had just gotten over a terrible sickness, weighed 105 lbs. and my spirit was broken. Thank goodness my parents let me drop out of school and come home. I think I slept for a month and I will always be grateful for that reprieve. I returned to college when I was 27, married and with a three year old. My son was five and I still remember him clapping at my graduation. But then life got busy, and bad times happened, and many things I loved got pushed aside. Then the drinking got worse and in my darkest days I thought of nothing but numbing the pain away. By working this program I am learning to accept my past. I don't have to love it, but I can be objective about it. I do love music, all kinds, after all I grew up with two older brothers so I've been through Elton John, AC/DC, Neil Diamond, the 80's etc...so I love many types of music. And poetry, you dear old friend, how so much can be said with a small amount of words. My children and I read every night and tomorrow I think I will read them "The Midnight Run of Paul Revere" I've been to those beautiful places, stood in the old North church, and I want my children to know our American history. Yes, there have been times when more has been revealed that isn't so great, memories I didn't want to face, but walking through that pain makes me appreciate the times when good things are revealed. Today ended with my children and I taking our nightly bike ride and getting caught in the rain. Before this would have set me off but tonight I just laughed and we came home like drown rats.... life is good and it's been revealed to me that I have a pretty good sense of humor, rain and all.......

Going to the lake.....

Yes we are headed up to the lake. The kayak's are calling and the kids have a new "swim raft/island" they want to try out. We are in a bit of a strange weather pattern right now, lots of rain but I'd still rather be at the cottage in the rain than at home in the rain. I'm taking my "Language of Letting Go" book and "The Girl who Played with Fire" novel. I just started it the other night and am intrigued. I used to read a stack of motivational, spiritual, self help books a day. Now I've started to ease up on myself. When you first come into AA it's like being a horse out of the starting gates, you are moving at a fast pace, but now I've slowed to a nice even run, I no longer feel the need to hurry. I have a little more trust in myself, so I can set my "all or nothing" attitude aside. AA is applied in my daily living, I don't feel so frightened that it might all vanish if I don't read 10 different meditations of self help per day. I am feeling confidence in my higher power which allows me to trust my program and my life more. I like this feeling. It's a sense of calm in the middle of a storm. I remember reading the book "Feather's from my Nest" by Beth Moore and there's a line I think of quite often "Can there be peace in the middle of chaos? Yes, as long as the foundation is strong" My foundation isn't without it's cracks, but it's definitely more settled, and I am definitely more at peace....sigh.....it's a "good" thing! Hoping you all have a great weekend.....

Flash 55 Friday

Clarity

She sat, fingers nervously drumming
Make the call, chimed her brain,
Forever? Am I ready to commit
To forever? But if not, another
Year lost, another year of chaos,
Pain, and tension in the home.
What can you loose?
She places receiver in hand,
Punching numbers in between tears.
A friendly voice answers:
Alcoholics Anonymous….

There's not enough of "mom" to go around.....

Last night when I was at the gym (yes you read right, I joined a gym and spend an hour there each day) I was on the eliptical machine watching "The Middle". This is one of the few programs I watch because I can so relate to this crazy midwestern family. Last night Frankie the mom just needed 15 minutes to herself, so she took a 15 minute break in the employee bathroom and as pathetic as that sounds I can understand it! It's been a crazy week as usual and last night was no exception. My oldest has suddenly become interested in his appearance. I knew it was only a matter of time before this would happen but I was hoping we could skim by for another few months. So we hit the mall. I have to say I am not a fan of malls! When I shop I like to go in, get what I need and leave. But I must say we shopped pretty efficiently and budget friendly. He got some awesome clothes. Now he looks like he's ready for college, the clothes are more trendy and not six sizes too big like he normally wore. But don't forget we had the two youngest along who almost had me crazy asking if they could look at this, if they could buy that, and my daughter wanted clothes and jewelry for a 16 year old. Quite frankly my mind could not multitask three different conversations at once. Well we managed to get out of there and then we decided to get something to eat. Next came the debate of where. My two youngest love The Mint diner but my oldest wanted Chinese. Since I love sushi I was trying not to be biased, but I did use my mother power by saying, "last time we went to the Mint, so maybe this time we should let Alex have chinese"...and it worked. Then we spent the next half hour figuring out the year people were born so we could read the Chinese Zodiac. Needless to say I dropped them off and headed for the gym. It's now 7:30 and I am still dressed up for work. So as I was sweating off some frustration and watching The Middle I realized "I'm not alone". There are so many mothers just like me. Long on lists to do and short on time. We tend to do everything for everybody and leave very little for ourselves. People become co-dependent on us and we become five seconds from crazy. I have spread myself way too thin on many occasions, which in turn left me exhausted, stressed out, and in need of a drink. So what's changed? Well not too much in the business of life, it's the season of my life, children at different ages and stages. One thing I had to realize early on was that my life wasn't going to slow down so I needed to figure out how I was going to deal with it. I started taking some time for me every day. Even if it's just 15 minutes, it's for me, and about me for those 15 minutes. I've started to delegate more to my husband and learned to appreciate his help even though he may not do things the way I would, I say thank you. My children have taken on small chores of their own. And I've learned to say NO! When the phone rings with one more person asking me to do one more thing I don't want to do I say no. No amount of guilt or shame is going to make me over book myself any more. Sobriety is exhausting but carrying your old habits and ways is self destruction. Try something new is my motto, if it didn't work before move on. The program of alcoholics anonymous begins to teach you how to prioritize, how to set boundaries, how to value yourself. So yes, there are still days when there's not enough "mom" to go around, but on those days I know when to slow down, I know when to use the word no, and I know when to walk into the bathroom, lock the door and take 15 minutes to regroup. It's like the add says: Paint $50.00, Accessories $80.00 a place to go and get your thoughts together: priceless.......

Recovery Poem by: Vanessa

PRAYER

God, stay close to me so I can feel that you are there,

that I am not alone and lost in my Self.



LET

me feel the power of your presence always

the assurance that my life is all right,

the strength to master challenges

the wisdom not to become complacent in my recovery.



REVEAL

to me what is intuitively right,

to master any given situation,

to recognize dangerous situations on the spot,

to take only serious what is, and to know the difference.



HELP

me to rid myself of the demons of my past,

to be full of joy and free of worry,

to have laughter and good friendships,

to take life with a light heart.



GIVE

me the courage to take chances,

to step out and recognize my full potential,

to speak my mind without fear,

to show love, where no love is.



SHOW

me glimpses of a higher consciousness,

the spirit of an eagle soaring above and seeing the bigger picture,

a life that is not burdened with resentments and anxiety,

your love, so I can absorb it fully and pass it on to others.



GRANT

me strength to overcome difficulties,

to accept my fellow men as they are,

to accept me, my dark past, my failures,

to accept and remember the joyous times of my past.



SHINE

your light and love onto my son, so that he may have self confidence, deal with the burdens I put upon him,

your love onto my mother, that she may nor suffer from demons of her past, that she may understand and accept me and our relationship

your grace upon my Anonymous group members, so they may be joyous and free, staying on the road of recovery and learn a new freedom.

Your grace upon my friends and enemies, so my friends will stay with me and my enemies will turn into my friends.

Your grace upon the World!

Amen


I found this beautiful poem on the internet. It was written by Vanessa. No last name was given. I thought it was wonderful because we can all relate, and slip our own prayers into it. To me it embodies what I am working so hard to do. Enjoy!

The Still Small Voice.......

The 24 hr. reading for June 5th. talked about listening to the "still small voice" inside. This set off a little warning bell inside my head. I had a strange week, last week. Once again something felt "off". I thought maybe it was because we had just had such an awesome weekend, and that getting back into the routine of things was difficult, or the fact that my husband was on vacation, or any number of things. I mean I just felt tired, tired of recovery, tired of self evaluation 24/7. Tired of defects, tired of control and self will.......and then Friday came and my sponsor and I started on the 8th. step and I just didn't feel like it. It wasn't until I heard this reading asking if I listened to my "still small voice" that I realized what was bothering me. The glow was gone. That first few months of fast paced change, the excitment of the fog lifting, the awareness of your surroundings. I had hit mid life in the steps and just realized that the real work was beginning. The honeymoon was over. Now that the glow was gone I needed to ask myself a few questions. Was I still happy in recovery? Was I ready to apply the steps to my everyday living? How much had my life really changed? Was the AA program the key to happiness? Tough questions, but luckily easy answers. Yes, I was still happy in recovery, I do and will apply the steps in my daily living, Yes, my life has changed, the caos is gone, and yes I do believe the AA program can give you the tools for a happier life. So what was bugging me? Quite simply I wasn't listening to the "still small voice" inside. I had had a few really busy weeks, and I let myself fall into the trap of my own will not my HP's will. I was trying to control, I was thinking I was in charge, I wasn't feeling humble, I was feeling self righteous, judgemental, and not full of inner peace. That was it, I had stopped listening to that voice. My HP knows what I need, not what I want...in other words this was a big lesson on how fast an alcoholic can slip. I used to wonder why people relapsed over and over, and now I understand. You need to be committed in the good and the bad. And if you are not in the moment, and are busy jumping ahead, you can loose sight of your course very fast. Regardless of how much work, or how many steps you have gone through, it can unravel in a split second. That's the nature of our disease, it only takes a second to awaken the demons if we're not paying attention. And then a gentleman said something at yesterday morning's meeting that I so needed to hear. He was talking about the highs and lows of life, and how easy it is to get stuck into thinking that when things are good they will stay that way, easy to get complacent, and then when things go bad he thinks they will always stay that way. So to strike the balance he reminds himself in the good times that "this too shall pass" and he does the same for the bad times. It keeps him centered, aware of today, not jumping into the future, and not abandoning the program because it's not all sunshine and butterflies. So I took some advice from a very reliable source and was "still" and I listened to the "small voice" and it told me what I already knew: that this was right where I needed to be, and the feeling of something not right would surely pass. Striking the balance may not be easy but it can mean the difference between sticking it out or abandoning ship. For "better or worse" can be a vow we apply to more than just marriage, it's a vow we need to honor in recovery........