Flash 55 Friday

Beacon

You were built to protect
massive ore docks,
so small but so important
to the freightliners.
Now fully restored, I imagine
the stories you could tell,
but my favorite would be the one
where two small children paid
you a visit, running through
broken glass and cobwebs just
to see the world through your eyes...



This is based on a true story. My middle brother and I were fishing on Lake Superior with our dad and grandfather when we came along a man and his family by the lighthouse having boat trouble. My father and grandfather were able to help them and the man had the keys to the lighthouse and asked if anyone wanted to see it. My brother and I bolted out of the boat and raced up the spiral staircase. The lighthouse had been neglected for many years at this point full of cobwebs and broken glass but I will never forget that view from the top. Spectacular. Over Memorial Day weekend my brother and I recalled this memory, I think it's one of the special ones from our childhood. I have posted a picture of the lighthouse as it stands today, fully restored and proud....

Fathers......

At last evenings Woman's group meeting the topic took a turn to fathers. At Sunday morning's meeting a dad was complaining that his daughter said she didn't want to see him and that she wanted him to _ _ _ _ off! This person had crawled on his pity pot and we heard the "woa is me" story until one of the old timers took off the kid gloves and gave it to him loud and strong. "Why should our children want to see us? Most of us raised them drunk. We made promises we never kept, prioritized alcohol over school programs, disappointed our children over and over...now because you're sober you think you daughter should just run over and be happy and this great relationship will happen? She learned to survive without you. You need to take responsibility for the way you raised her. She may never come around and you will have to accept that. Most of us were never there for our children so why should they be there for us?" The room was silent and then the first mas spoke again, "That hurts but you are right, I was never there for her, why should she be there for me...." This inspired the talk that happened last night. One woman said her father was a terrible adulterer, and her monther finally left him, and his second wife alienated them from having any relationships with him. She said she still feels resentments towards her dad, but is slowly working on letting them go. Another woman talked about the lack of "fathering" her ex husband does with their teenage son. It's so frustrating and difficult....Another woman told of her wonderful father. How giving and active he was in their lives, and how when she sobered up a year before his death, he made her promise that she would beat this disease. She also talked about that fact that she married a very difficult man whom she ended up divorcing because he was so cold and distant. Then I spoke. I was very lucky to grow up with a good father. He wasn't taught a lot in the way of emotions or expression of feelings but he was a good provider, and supporter in my life. My father came to get me mid semester at school. I was broken down and broken hearted. The car ride home was quiet that day but he never made me feel bad for my decision. He came to get me at the police station one night after my exboyfriend decided to use my face for a punching bag, he clapped loudly at my college graduation, and not too long ago he told me how proud he was of me for entering AA. My children are also very lucky to have a good dad. Even though my husband works a lot he spends quality time with our children when he is home. And in the summer he spends most of the day with them until he has to leave for work. When I was drinking I did everything, I was the key that held the family together, I, I, I...get the drift? I was so busy being self absorbed, and full of self pity that I failed to realize the enormous contribution my husband has made to our family, to the raising of our children. I tend to be more task minded, and he is more fun minded. We had struck a balance and I hadn't even noticed. Last night's discussion went a long way for me. A family is a joint effort, and I have been given a dose of humility by realizing that I am not the center of our family. We all work together. It's still difficult for me to let go, to be less guarded of my emotions, but this program gives me the opportunity to practice, and give, and realize it's ok to just be silly once in a while. And I don't mind the role of care giver because I have a great team with my husband as the fun giver, and after all two heads are better than one.......

Wednesday...

Have lots to write but will have to do it tonight or tomorrow. Today I'm being recertified in CPR, Emergency Care and Blood Bourne Pathogens. This is an all day process with the Red Cross. Hope you are all doing fine and are having a great day. Will peek in on your blogs later.......

Busy, busy, busy......

Yes, as you can see from the title I've been busy! What I thought was going to be a relaxing weekend well....not so much. Saturday I woke up and grabbed the dog and headed for the vet. Jack was going to get groomed and updated on his rabies shot. I race in the door only to find out our groomer has injured herself and will need surgery. They have no idea how long she will be out. Our groomer Emily is so good, Jack goes in like a mutt and comes out looking like "best in show", so I hope it's not too serious because this could potentially hurt her career and she is very talented. So he got his shot, and then I loaded his dirty self back into the car and we headed home so I could get ready for my meeting. I went to the morning meeting and then home and grabbed my two youngest. We headed to the mall (not my favorite place) to do some father's day shopping and then off to the softball game cookout for the dad's at AA. My husband was helping a friend roof his sick father's house, and we were also dog sitting. After the park we had more errands to run and then I met some of my AA buds for a bonfire. I left the bonfire at 9:00 and had to still do the grocery shopping. Nothing like putting groceries away at 10:30 at night. Sunday I was up early for my meeting, gave my sponsor a ride home, stopped at the grocery store once more because someone at AA had given me a yummy peanut butter pie recipe, and then went home and proceeded to pretty much cook all day. We had my parents, and our best friend's over for dinner, and it was such a gorgeous evening we ate outside with the lights in the garden and candles. My husband put the kids to bed and I cleaned up the kitchen and collapsed on the couch and didn't wake up until 6:00 am. As I drove to work I kept thinking that I needed to have a day off to recover from the weekend. I was sluggish at work, dragged my butt through my gym workout, came home to mounds of laundry that had to be put away and I'm quite sure some other family threw their clothes in with ours because I thought they would never end. Made supper and finally am getting around to blogging. What's suffering? My sanity. I miss how I felt when I first came to the program. My life slowed down a little, I made a lot more time for myself, and now I can barely read in bed for ten minutes before falling asleep. Many times my husband says he finds me sound asleep with book in hand. When I don't say no, when I forget to simplify, when I think I can take on any task, I suffer. I get so wrapped up in ME and not HP and the program that I start to feel blue. And today I feel blue. Tired, worn out and blue. My sponsor remarked to me yesterday that I looked like I needed a day off, that perhaps I was over doing it, but you know my alcoholic mind, I smiled bright and said "I'm fine". She looked me straight in the eye and said, "don't bullshit a bullshitter". I promised her I would try to refocus and simplify. It's hard, you start living life on life's terms, you're not drinking and suddenly you start to feel self-reliant. But you can't do it alone. I have learned a valuable lesson from these last few days and that's that I need to follow the steps of the program, give myself some time, and most of all KEEP IT SIMPLE! So point taken, I'm going to take a warm bath, and then my two youngest and I are going to watch "UP" it's an awesome movie with awesome life lessons, something I could use right now. I hope all you dad's had a great Father's Day and I did solve one problem. I called "Paws are Us" a mobile pet grooming service, and while Jack's not quite "best in show", he's trimmed, clean, and no longer smells like a dog and for now that's good enough for me.........