Friday, December 17, 2010

Flash 55 Friday

Stoplight Master Piece

The light turns red,
and I wait in a haze
of exhaust fumes
My eyes wander into
the park and discover
your pine needles have
been flocked white with
nature's paint brush,
a veritable fairyland Utopia
I gaze a bit longer before
the light turns green and
the tangerine sun bursts through your tree trunks....

Every morning it never fails I get stuck at the same stop light. Since there are many more stop lights at this intersection it takes a while. The other day I glanced into the park and saw that all the tops of the pine trees were frosted the most beautiful white. Since the weather has been below zero everything is looking like a winter wonderland. Now I have something to look forward to at the stop light. Have a very busy weekend planned. Hope you are all ready for the upcoming holidays and that you are surrounded by family and friends who love you. Have an awesome weekend....

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Take me out of myself......

Monday night was tough at our house. Tough because I let a few old habits sneak into my behavior. The nice thing about my family is that they didn't let it last too long. I came home bitchy. The dishes were piled in the sink, the kids had dumped their snow clothes in the middle of the floor, and my husband was lounging on the heating pad saying his back hurt. I felt like walking out the door, getting in the car and driving. This time of year has that effect on me. It carries an underlying adrenaline that I hate. Instead I made a sandwich, kissed my kids, and dashed off to the Monday night meeting. Guess what we read in the big book? The chapter about the housewife who drank at home. I'm pretty sure I wrote that testimony. All the feelings of lies, and shame, and covering up resurfaced. I was letting my emotions dictate my actions. One person whom I just want to take home and take care of because he's such a sweet person who is struggling so hard gave me a lesson that I soooooo needed. He works at the steel factory and he was talking about people bringing in their metals for cash. How his heart goes out to mothers who drive up in an old beater, with a child in a car seat, and stare at the scale hopeing it will be enough money to get what they need. He said he often helps them out as much as he can because their look is so desperate. Right then and there I was ashamed of my behavior. This person took me out of myself and had me look at someone else's worries for a change. So I thought about this for the rest of the evening,and when I went to bed I asked my HP to let me do his will. I asked him to once again take the reigns of my life, since I was doing my usual bang up job trying to control things. I asked him to open my eyes, my heart, to comfort my worries, and to let trust be my
guide. When I was finished, I felt a sense of calm, and lighteness. I also realized I am human and that I will have days like this. I do have a lot going on but I need to just do it, not build resentments,not feel sorry for myself. I'm worried about my son's surgery on Monday. That's a normal emotion. I've got a super busy weekend to get through but instead of letting it unfold I'm alreay trying to get past it. I am always amazed that just when I need a reminder the most my HP gives it to me, and this time it couldn't have come a moment too soon......

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

One Shot Wednesday....


My Grown Up Christmas List

Do you remember me
I sat upon your knee
I wrote to you
With childhood fantasies

Well, I'm all grown up now
And still need help somehow
I'm not a child
But my heart still can dream

So here's my lifelong wish
My grown up christmas list
Not for myself
But for a world in need

No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
And everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end
This is my grown up christmas list

As children we believed
The grandest sight to see
Was something lovely
Wrapped beneath our tree

Well heaven only knows
That packages and bows
Can never heal
A hurting human soul

No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
And everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end
This is my grown up christmas list

What is this illusion called the innocence of youth
Maybe only in our blind belief can we ever find the truth
(there'd be)

No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
And everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end, oh
This is my grown up christmas list

This is my grown up christmas list......

This is my offering for One Shot Wednesday. Not my own making, but a song that is very beautiful and touches my heart every time I hear it. This truly is my Christmas list......

Monday, December 13, 2010

Holidays without ice....

The holiday season. I love Christmas trees, and christmas music, time spent with friends, cards, etc. Oh and I love giving gifts. I love to surprise people. What I hate are the crowds. Yesterday was a nuthouse. I had no intentions of going out but since something I had just purchased at Target was big time on sale I wanted to get the price difference honored. Which enabled me to finish some other shopping. What a mistake. Lots of rude people in this world. However thanks to my program this didn't get me down, in fact I think I become even nicer when I'm faced with crabby people, sort of like an over the top nice pain in your a-- person! I smile, talk sweetly, and lay it on pretty thick, and you know what? it really drives crabby people nuts! Now I know this isn't right, but before I would be bitchy back and then no one was happy so at least now I get the satisfaction of killing them with kindness! So yes, I'm being rather evil but hey besides smoking an occasional cigar with my hubby I lead a pretty clean life these days! I mean when everyone at work is talking about what movies they saw, or what restaurant they ate at over the weekend, and I chime in "Hey my husband and I found a bag of extra crispy tator tots in the back of the freezer and ate them while we watched "Shrek the Final Chapter" and "How to Train your Dragon" , it's no wonder my co-workers stare at me extra long. But seriously how awesome is it to eat an unhealthy food, and laugh with your kids over a movie they want to watch. It's extra sweet. When AA talks about material wants disappearing I know what they are talking about. Things that I thought were important, things I thought that I had to make my life complete were really just things. So my outlook has changed for the season. The holidays for me used to mean lots of parties, lots of wine, lots of times I couldn't remember. How so much has changed in a year. For once I didn't go overboard Christmas shopping, for once I'm not planning a million things at once that I can't handle, and for once I'm letting our Christmas cards wait until I have time to do them. I'm too busy living this unglamorous, full time working, mother of three, wife, daughter, friend life of mine. I found myself in the toy section of Target humming "Let it Snow" yesterday. And speaking of snow we got over a foot of snow in less than 24 hours on Saturday. This would have driven me nuts, yes even mother nature at one time was against me or so I thought. Now it's beautiful. Deep piles of snow snuggle around our house. They make the outside lights festive, and only add to our ambiance. We have an anual party that we attend every year coming up. This is my first holidays without ice. No Manhattans, martinis, wine, old fashions, and its OK because minus the "ice" means minus the hangover, the black outs, the fights with my husband. The bloated, over exhausted me that was every December. The day after the party I have plans. I'm taking the kids to Breakfast with Santa, and then we have Christmas with my brother and his family at my parents Sunday afternoon. I won't be lying in my bed, afraid to open my eyes and evaluate the hangover headache I normally would have had. Today I'm planning on a nice weekend ahead, and then getting through Alex's surgery, and then we'll let Christmas unfold as it should. Thank you AA, not only did I throw out the ice in my glass, I also got rid of the ice around my heart........

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Program first?!

At yesterday's meeting one of my fellow alcoholics made this statement. My "program comes first even before my family". Now dropping this statement in a room full of alcoholics caused not one person to blink an eye. However he went on to say that when he tells people this they think him rude, selfish, and totally out of touch. I have watched this person grow so much in the last few months, it's amazing. He is filled with gratitude, humility, and yet he knows he's one sip away from destruction. We all are. We were sitting opposite of each other so I gave him a smile and said "My name is Liz, I'm an alcoholic and I totally agree". However I put my higher power first, He does for me what I can't do for myself, then program, then family. You see if I remove program, or HP then I am right where I was 10 months ago. And that is no place I want to revisit. I truly believe my HP designed and timed my walk through those doors. I had no plan, just me trying to control the show, with drinking as my guide, and all I did was continue to make a disaster of things. So the difference that has changed my life completely is that HP is in control, and my program keeps me on the straight and narrow. With these two things in place, my family reaps the benefits. I am a sober partner who can be counted on, I'm a sober mother, who can multi-task like a super hero. I am fixer of all things broken, counselor to all things of the heart, and maker of the nightly dinner. These are awesome titles. Ones I am proud to live up to each and every day. This week was typical. With many highs and lows (in other words life). Our oldest son Alex got his driver's license on Wednesday. I must say those were 20 very long and nerve wracking minutes, and when he came in he had no expression on his face so it wasn't until they asked me to sign that I knew he had passed! I can't believe I have a child who is driving, and that the next day is snowed and rained so he was blessed with dry roads for his test. Thursday morning I spent three hours at the podiatrist with this same child who two weeks ago had complained of his right foot hurting. I figured this was nothing, they would probably tell him not to wear the Chuck Converse shoes he loves and we would be on our way. Nope, abnormal growth something, something. In easier terms, he has four beautifully straight toes and a pinky toe that is almost sideways. All I had to do was glance at the x-rays and I knew it was serious. So on December 20th. he goes in for surgery. They will remove some of the extra bone, manipulate the toe straight, place permanent metal pins in the toe and then he will have two weeks of almost no movement, and then another 6 to 8 weeks of recovery. So no driving, no curling season and right now he is in Madison Wisconsin playing at a varsity level curling Bonspeil, because he's doing so well. Bummer, but that's life. But then when we got home, we found a letter in the mailbox stating that this same child will be receiving a medal for his academic excellence freshman year! So up, and down. Friday our middle child Sam fainted while singing carols at the nursing home with his class. The best part was he wasn't even embarrassed because the fainting gave him notoriety for the day. Grace had a little friend sleep over, and for the first time I got to see just how much girls are different than boys. With boys you just need video games, and lots of food. These girls made a gingerbread house, painted nails, played with Barbies, and giggled most of the night. How sweet all these happenings are. Where they happening before? Sure but I was too self medicated to notice, to care. So for me my program has to come before family. I wouldn't have a family without my program. AA is a program for grown ups. Believe me I know, I went from 17 to 41 in a matter of months. This program is for people who want to live a rich, full life. To be in the moment, whether that moment is laughter, happiness, sadness or grief, I now live in the moment. And these are precious times.........