Flash 55 Friday

Reflection

I saw it in your eyes,
glassy and unfocusing.

I heard it in your words,
thick and slurred.

I felt it in your smile,
so heavy and hesitant.

When we hugged good-bye
I smelled it on your breath
and was reminded that not
too long ago, I to worshipped
the liquid God in the glass.......



A few weeks ago a friend asked if I was bothered by being around people that had been drinking. I was able to answer truthfully: "No, because when I see someone whose had too much to drink it reminds me of how far I've come and that it would only take a second to throw it all away". I'm off to Green Bay WI today for business. Hope you all have a blessed weekend....

A break in the storm......

Things are beginning to calm down. Papers are signed, interest rates dropped, and light is appearing at the end of the tunnel. When all the running around and excitement of yesterday subsided I lay on my bed last night reflecting on how far things have come from where they were a year ago. Last July everything was unraveling fast. We were about two minutes from a divorce and 30 seconds away from filing bankruptcy. I was so lost, and felt that there wasn't any answers, that there wasn't anyone who could help me. Now a year later it's almost a 360 degree angle. Wow! The promises are beginning to come true. Two weeks ago I was praying over our financials with God and I just laid it down, "we need a miracle, I want to do your will, I need your strength and guidance". How quickly he answered. In a matter of three days this week, things have changed dramatically. It hasn't always been pleasant, especially all the arguing with my husband, but it didn't lead me to run away, I didn't need to drink, I just needed to trust and be lead. I was pretty wound up last night, so I slept poorly, and woke way to early. Now I just came off of a conference call in which I barely stayed awake. I have a dull headache and my eyes are heavy. But my heart is filled with gratitude. Gratitude for walking through those doors six months ago, gratitude for my family, especially my children and husband who still love me despite everything, grateful to friends who never waver in their support, to a sponsor who makes me feel fearless, to all you blogger peeps who are such a huge part of my recovery, and to the one who deserves all the credit God. This morning I arrived at work an hour early to catch up on some things since I'll be traveling for my job tomorrow, and a coworker stopped in my office to ask how my recovery was going. I flashed him a big smile as he sat down and could honestly say "life is good". His sister is an actively using alcoholic. In and out of treatment and refuses to go to AA. My friend thinks it's because she will be held responsible and she likes to blame everyone else. (yep, been there, done that) I told him that sure you have take responsibility, and yes, at times it's yuky, but it's also worth the work. Waking up in the middle of my life has been incredible. I can truthfully say God and the program of AA have given me my life back. And I will forever be grateful for this second chance.......sigh :)

My life on the D- list.....

Well today is the day we sign some paperwork at the bank and I could tell even before I talked to my husband that a storm was a brewing. And it hit! Full force we went at it. Now I'm not big on knock down drag out fights but I will say I think they have their place and last night was no exception. If things had to be said, they were said. What was amazing is right before all this happened I had talked with my sponsor. She could tell I had a lot going on so I shared with her and she reminded me that change was occuring. To not be afraid of it, but meet it head on and trust that my HP would have my back. So when my husband and I started talking which lead to the big battle for once I didn't stand there and cry. I stood my ground, which I think surprised him. I refused to be the scapegoat and took my responsibility for my part, but not taking responsibility for it all. This was growth. During the worst part of our argument when the voices were really raised I had a fleeting glimpse of being in the eye of a hurricane and it was briefly peaceful and calm. I think my HP was sending me a message. When all was said and done a lot was cleared off the table. Anger is an emotion. It needs to be let out. I used to try to just avoid it, now I no longer fear it. And of course that wasn't the only thing going on in the household. My oldest son is very sick. He couldn't keep anything down, not even water. Finally around 11:00pm he was able to sip a little water. My dad came and picked up Grace and Sam for the night, and poor Alex was just plain miserable. This morning it was tired politeness in the house. But I will take it. Not everything has to be solved in a day. So it's back to the bank for budgeting and to the library for books on finances. I'm taking money tips from everyone so if you have any, feel free to share. We also had severe weather last night (actual thunderstorms not the severe weather going on in our house), and my boss had a huge tree fall on her home. What a mess. I feel like I'm in the middle of a storm this week. Winds are whipping all around me, but I'm going to take the advice of a friend, let God be my compass, and focus on the calm in the middle........

Dealing with a big plate of yuk....

Yep, that's the truth. I'm dealing with a big plate of yuk. Actually just a bunch of financial stuff that needs to be dealt with, and until I had some recovery time in I couldn't deal with it. But you can't put stuff off forever so I decided that this would be the week to deal with it. What I hate is how financial stress adds to marital stress. I mean I don't think my husband and I can have a five minute conversation about this stuff without raising our voices. The blame game. Taking responsibility. I'm not worried about the past, I just want to move forward. My husband is busy pointing out things from the past, and not moving into the present. This makes me want to scream! And when he yells my first response is flight. I become a little girl, and I want to go hide somewhere. I am really trying to fight this impulse. I don't have the urge to drink, but I do have the urge to run. I've really had to call on my program to get me through. To recognize my urges as behaviors of the past that can't be acted on. So it's yuky, I feel yuky, and yet somehow I am managing to just keep plodding along. Taking care of business, and letting the words fall where they may. Oh and it's raining again! Big surprise there! My gardens are water logged and my daughter has been going crazy if there is a rumble of thunder. Pray for me, I need strength this week. My HP is with me, but at times I just feel frustrated and full of tears. None of this happened over night and it's not going to get fixed overnight. Especially the marriage part. I used to obsess if everything wasn't running smoothly between us, now I can let things hang for a bit, and let time take it's course. I hope you are all having a better week than I am. Off to do some more paperwork.....

Celebrations.....

Yesterday was a day full of celebrations. At the 11:00 meeting we had numerous anniversaries. Twelve years, five years, and one year. The mood was charged with energy, as the three anniversary people shared "how they did it". And of course there was cake, but I passed because we were headed to my besties house for dinner and I knew there would be cake so I saved myself. But what an interesting meeting. The man who had twelve years met his mate at AA. It was neat to see the love and adoration between them. The gentleman who had five years was given a beautiful engraved garden stone by his brother who is also a member of AA. Lots of wet eyes in the house on that one. And the lady who celebrated her first years was glowing. I just sat back and soaked it all in. I have sat through so many meetings where I have cried, or listened to someone else struggling, suffering, and sobbing that it was such a treat to have such joy and laughter. Of course this too shall pass but I enjoyed every moment of it. After the meeting I stopped at the house where my husband was helping some friends of ours lay a wood floor. The female in this couple is my son Sam's godmother. She has a job where she travels all over the world, and she and her husband are a lot older than us so I don't get to see her very often. In fact the last time I saw them was in January, before I entered recovery. So while the men were working on the floor I helped her get lunch ready and finally told her I was an alcoholic. She seemed genuinely shocked. But after I explained everything she was so happy that I had entered AA. It was great to get that off my chest. I still have people that I only see here and there that don't know. So the four of us had a great lunch, full of laughs and then I was off to run errands, pick up the house, take the kids and myself to church and then off to my besties for dinner. Now you know the euphoria of my day just can't last. Our best friends live a half hour away so we arrived home at 11:30pm, everyone tired, and my oldest son and his friend meet us at the back door."Mom was your phone on? I tried calling you 8 times. Jack (our dog) has been throwing up and he threw up on the couch, the pillows, Sam's bed, and Grace's bed. So I set my purse down, let out a sigh and tell my hubby to go to bed while I start laundry and changing beds. What a mess. I finally crawled into bed around 1:00 in the morning and you know what? That special feeling of "celebration" came right back. Once in a while we need a day of celebration. It reminds us that there are such things as miracles, and that every birthday actual or sober birthday is a reason to celebrate..........