So, the ice is beginning to melt......

I was working at my desk when my cell phone went off. I noticed it was my husband so I answered it. We talked about the kids, what the schedule was for tomorrow and then he paused and said, "We need to talk". I said, "Yes, we do need to talk". Then all of a sudden he started firing questions like an M-16:"Why are you lighting candles in our bedroom, and I noticed the "Real Sex for Real Women" book on your desk, and all the new lotions and perfumes.....what's going on?!" It took a minute for me to process just what he was implying and then it hit me! He thinks I'm having an affair?! Well this so floored me that I almost burst out laughing. But because I know just how fragile our marriage is, and it's not nice to make fun of someone's attempt to gain the truth I abstained. (it was hard not to laugh! could you imagine the reply, "Oh yes honey in the two months that I've been in recovery spending my every waking and breathing moment in sobriety I just decided to have an affair too!")So I took a deep breath and replied,"the candle smells so awesome that I light it at night while I'm journaling for aromatherapy, the "sex" book is because I have some self image problems and I also want to be a loving and nurturing wife in that important area, and the lotions and perfume are to pamper myself because I need some pampering at the end of a long day." Once again a pause, "Well we still need to talk about a lot of things." And I replied, "I would like that very much. Anything you want to know just ask, I really want you along in my recovery". We wrapped up the conversation and I felt a huge weight lift after I hung up the phone. Last night I had a conversation with God and I told him I knew that there were so many problems between my husband and myself, and that my drinking had caused so many of them. Then I told God in his time I hoped my husband would start to come around. I don't think it was a coincidence that he picked today to come around. (Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly) I am happy that today we made a tiny baby step on the road to rebuilding our marriage. My main focus is on my recovery but having him be aware of what I'm doing will go a long way to building up trust and communication between us. So for today all is well....the sun is shining, the birds are singing...and I have hope.....

The daily routine....

I never thought about "the daily routine" of life until I entered AA, and the fog began to lift. I thought I had a pretty good routine going and yet I always felt like I was under water. Just enough to see the surface but never being able to make it to the top. When I think back to last year and how I always felt like I was drowning and overwhelmed I can see where the bottle offered solace. One person can only handle so much by themselves. So why when I was packing my middle child's lunch last night, a task I've done a thousand times, did I no longer feel that I was under water?! "Because", I heard a voice in my head say,"you take time for yourself now, and life doesn't have to be so hurried". That's true. The hours that I used to spend sitting in the leather chair, staring at the TV having cocktail after cocktail are gone. They have been replaced by a bath, followed by some great smelling lotions and spritzes, then some journaling while listening to relaxing music(usually smooth jazz), then I crawl into bed, read a bit and turn off the light before ten o'clock. I started this ritual my second week into sobriety and it has grown very precious to me. Where alcohol was my escape this new routine has become a savior. Quiet time to reflect on the day, to talk to God, to quiet all the emotions that seem to be flying around my insides. I never thought that I needed to take care of myself until now. I see how much more relaxed I am, how much more objective I can be at situations that before would have sent me in a tailspin. Am I perfect at handling everything? Absolutely not. But as another blogger reminded me ,"this is a program of progress not perfection". I like the progress I'm starting to see. I like my new daily routine. It keeps me in my "routine", present and participating. It makes me "show up and suit up" and most importantly it keeps my head above water. Taking care of me is probably one of the most important things I have learned because when I take care of myself I have a lot more to give to others........

And the ants came........

Ahhhhh, a new day, a new look, a new frame of mind. Yesterday wasn't the best of days for me, when you self indulge in pity with a dash of ego it leaves little room for gratitude. I had had enough of myself by late afternoon and tried to focus on the good things. HP cleared up my distorted vision and gave me a crisp outlook on life. I saw my Dr. and she's awesome. Funny, relaxed, most of all encouraging. Since I've stopped drinking my blood pressure has come down to an awesome 120/60. She was pleased as was I. When I left her office the late afternoon sun was casting long shadows on the city which I enjoyed through my drive. I picked up my two younger children and we headed home. No sooner did the car pull in the driveway than four neighbor kids showed up to play. It was time for supper but I said, "go play till dark, I'll feed you when you come in". Shouts of excitement filled the air and off they ran in their pack. I took the mail in and discovered that the ants had come! My middle child asked for an ant farm for his birthday in January and we waited for the weather to warm up before we ordered the ants. I opened the envelope to find a tiny vile filled with ants. My oldest son appeared and we proceeded to set up the "ant factory". We placed it in middle son's room to surprise him and then I started supper. As I was boiling the pasta I was entertained by shouts of laughter from small children playing tag and other various games in the back yard. My oldest son sat on the counter and we discussed how our day was. Before I knew it the sun had gone down and I was calling the kids in. They hung up their jackets and I couldn't help but notice their rosy cheeks and hair that smelled of fresh air. As I was running their baths I stood in the doorway of my son's bedroom so I could catch his reaction when he discovered the ants. "Mom the ants came?! Cool, look their carrying their food, and this one's starting to tunnel, this is great, now I can watch them build"......Thank you HP and AA for letting me enjoy the rest of this day. As I tucked them into bed, and kissed their springtime faces I couldn't help but feel that all was well for today......

Jealousy....

I never thought of myself as a "jealous" person at heart but in some ways I am. It's not my favorite character trait by any means but one none the less that came up this morning. I was talking to my dad who had just spent the weekend at my older brother's house and he was telling me about all the people they had seen, how they all look so good, all the weight they had taken off etc.....and I just wanted to scream! I wanted to yell: "Really that's just fricken fabulous! I am so glad that while I'm digging through the piles of my personal shit everyone is loosing weight and looking great! It just reminds me of how far behind I am in everything!!!" Now this has nothing to do with my dad, he was just delivering the facts but I found out something about myself that I don't like. I'm competitive. I want to be the one loosing the weight, looking great. And besides why isn't anyone telling me they are loosing weight, is it some conspiracy, so they can just show up and the chubby alcoholic gets the big surprise?! There it is - I'm jealous. I want this to be all about me. I'm sitting on my fur lined pity pot and I don't want to get off it! It never dawned on me that I would find out things about myself that I didn't like. This is a big one. Petty, petty, petty! That's me. Once I could deflate my ego a bit, and put it into perspective I knew what was bothering me. I want results and I want it now. I would much rather be in the "sometimes quickly" group than the "sometimes slowly" one. But I would miss the journey. What I am today is frustrated, and noncompliant. I was much more patient even last week than I have been for the past few days. I need to realign my thinking, adjust the sails, get to a meeting and get rid of this yuky thinking. My weight didn't pack on overnight, my alcoholism didn't just show up in a day. I need to be realistic about the journey. I guess there are just times when you see someone who has made it through, and has the serenity, has great things happening to them and you just want to be in that spot too. I have good things happening to me, I have change occuring but the one thing I'm really, really bad at is waiting. This impatience has cost me a lot in many areas of my life. I need to lasso it in and put it somewhere it can't get to me. I need to stop repeating the same mistakes over and over expecting different results. I need to stand back and take a deep breath........just be cool and quiet....and wait my turn......

Fighting Back Tears........

Oh this growing is so hard! My husband is still non communicative about AA. I know this is my journey, my disease, but I want so badly to share it with him and he is still distant. Of course my insane alcoholic mind (the one that keeps repeating the same patterns over and over and expecting different results) handled the whole situation wrong this morning and of course it led to a blow up. I have decided to give this up to God. I am going to trust in his will for us. I need to stay in my recovery. Besides there are so many reasons to be thankful for even in the early stages of recovery. Clarity, calmness, appreciation for the smallest moments of joy. A wonderful sponsor to guide me, AA friends to support me as well as non AA members and family. And my dog Jack who loves me unconditionally. I am so glad God is always with me, he makes me strong even when things aren't right. And speaking of things, I'm at my besties house, and she is making us dinner, we are listening to some smooth jazz and sharing. This is good!
So for now my "sails" are flat, and I'm just coasting along....and that's ok......