Going to the lake.....

Yes we are headed up to the lake. The kayak's are calling and the kids have a new "swim raft/island" they want to try out. We are in a bit of a strange weather pattern right now, lots of rain but I'd still rather be at the cottage in the rain than at home in the rain. I'm taking my "Language of Letting Go" book and "The Girl who Played with Fire" novel. I just started it the other night and am intrigued. I used to read a stack of motivational, spiritual, self help books a day. Now I've started to ease up on myself. When you first come into AA it's like being a horse out of the starting gates, you are moving at a fast pace, but now I've slowed to a nice even run, I no longer feel the need to hurry. I have a little more trust in myself, so I can set my "all or nothing" attitude aside. AA is applied in my daily living, I don't feel so frightened that it might all vanish if I don't read 10 different meditations of self help per day. I am feeling confidence in my higher power which allows me to trust my program and my life more. I like this feeling. It's a sense of calm in the middle of a storm. I remember reading the book "Feather's from my Nest" by Beth Moore and there's a line I think of quite often "Can there be peace in the middle of chaos? Yes, as long as the foundation is strong" My foundation isn't without it's cracks, but it's definitely more settled, and I am definitely more at peace....sigh.....it's a "good" thing! Hoping you all have a great weekend.....

Flash 55 Friday

Clarity

She sat, fingers nervously drumming
Make the call, chimed her brain,
Forever? Am I ready to commit
To forever? But if not, another
Year lost, another year of chaos,
Pain, and tension in the home.
What can you loose?
She places receiver in hand,
Punching numbers in between tears.
A friendly voice answers:
Alcoholics Anonymous….

There's not enough of "mom" to go around.....

Last night when I was at the gym (yes you read right, I joined a gym and spend an hour there each day) I was on the eliptical machine watching "The Middle". This is one of the few programs I watch because I can so relate to this crazy midwestern family. Last night Frankie the mom just needed 15 minutes to herself, so she took a 15 minute break in the employee bathroom and as pathetic as that sounds I can understand it! It's been a crazy week as usual and last night was no exception. My oldest has suddenly become interested in his appearance. I knew it was only a matter of time before this would happen but I was hoping we could skim by for another few months. So we hit the mall. I have to say I am not a fan of malls! When I shop I like to go in, get what I need and leave. But I must say we shopped pretty efficiently and budget friendly. He got some awesome clothes. Now he looks like he's ready for college, the clothes are more trendy and not six sizes too big like he normally wore. But don't forget we had the two youngest along who almost had me crazy asking if they could look at this, if they could buy that, and my daughter wanted clothes and jewelry for a 16 year old. Quite frankly my mind could not multitask three different conversations at once. Well we managed to get out of there and then we decided to get something to eat. Next came the debate of where. My two youngest love The Mint diner but my oldest wanted Chinese. Since I love sushi I was trying not to be biased, but I did use my mother power by saying, "last time we went to the Mint, so maybe this time we should let Alex have chinese"...and it worked. Then we spent the next half hour figuring out the year people were born so we could read the Chinese Zodiac. Needless to say I dropped them off and headed for the gym. It's now 7:30 and I am still dressed up for work. So as I was sweating off some frustration and watching The Middle I realized "I'm not alone". There are so many mothers just like me. Long on lists to do and short on time. We tend to do everything for everybody and leave very little for ourselves. People become co-dependent on us and we become five seconds from crazy. I have spread myself way too thin on many occasions, which in turn left me exhausted, stressed out, and in need of a drink. So what's changed? Well not too much in the business of life, it's the season of my life, children at different ages and stages. One thing I had to realize early on was that my life wasn't going to slow down so I needed to figure out how I was going to deal with it. I started taking some time for me every day. Even if it's just 15 minutes, it's for me, and about me for those 15 minutes. I've started to delegate more to my husband and learned to appreciate his help even though he may not do things the way I would, I say thank you. My children have taken on small chores of their own. And I've learned to say NO! When the phone rings with one more person asking me to do one more thing I don't want to do I say no. No amount of guilt or shame is going to make me over book myself any more. Sobriety is exhausting but carrying your old habits and ways is self destruction. Try something new is my motto, if it didn't work before move on. The program of alcoholics anonymous begins to teach you how to prioritize, how to set boundaries, how to value yourself. So yes, there are still days when there's not enough "mom" to go around, but on those days I know when to slow down, I know when to use the word no, and I know when to walk into the bathroom, lock the door and take 15 minutes to regroup. It's like the add says: Paint $50.00, Accessories $80.00 a place to go and get your thoughts together: priceless.......

Recovery Poem by: Vanessa

PRAYER

God, stay close to me so I can feel that you are there,

that I am not alone and lost in my Self.



LET

me feel the power of your presence always

the assurance that my life is all right,

the strength to master challenges

the wisdom not to become complacent in my recovery.



REVEAL

to me what is intuitively right,

to master any given situation,

to recognize dangerous situations on the spot,

to take only serious what is, and to know the difference.



HELP

me to rid myself of the demons of my past,

to be full of joy and free of worry,

to have laughter and good friendships,

to take life with a light heart.



GIVE

me the courage to take chances,

to step out and recognize my full potential,

to speak my mind without fear,

to show love, where no love is.



SHOW

me glimpses of a higher consciousness,

the spirit of an eagle soaring above and seeing the bigger picture,

a life that is not burdened with resentments and anxiety,

your love, so I can absorb it fully and pass it on to others.



GRANT

me strength to overcome difficulties,

to accept my fellow men as they are,

to accept me, my dark past, my failures,

to accept and remember the joyous times of my past.



SHINE

your light and love onto my son, so that he may have self confidence, deal with the burdens I put upon him,

your love onto my mother, that she may nor suffer from demons of her past, that she may understand and accept me and our relationship

your grace upon my Anonymous group members, so they may be joyous and free, staying on the road of recovery and learn a new freedom.

Your grace upon my friends and enemies, so my friends will stay with me and my enemies will turn into my friends.

Your grace upon the World!

Amen


I found this beautiful poem on the internet. It was written by Vanessa. No last name was given. I thought it was wonderful because we can all relate, and slip our own prayers into it. To me it embodies what I am working so hard to do. Enjoy!

The Still Small Voice.......

The 24 hr. reading for June 5th. talked about listening to the "still small voice" inside. This set off a little warning bell inside my head. I had a strange week, last week. Once again something felt "off". I thought maybe it was because we had just had such an awesome weekend, and that getting back into the routine of things was difficult, or the fact that my husband was on vacation, or any number of things. I mean I just felt tired, tired of recovery, tired of self evaluation 24/7. Tired of defects, tired of control and self will.......and then Friday came and my sponsor and I started on the 8th. step and I just didn't feel like it. It wasn't until I heard this reading asking if I listened to my "still small voice" that I realized what was bothering me. The glow was gone. That first few months of fast paced change, the excitment of the fog lifting, the awareness of your surroundings. I had hit mid life in the steps and just realized that the real work was beginning. The honeymoon was over. Now that the glow was gone I needed to ask myself a few questions. Was I still happy in recovery? Was I ready to apply the steps to my everyday living? How much had my life really changed? Was the AA program the key to happiness? Tough questions, but luckily easy answers. Yes, I was still happy in recovery, I do and will apply the steps in my daily living, Yes, my life has changed, the caos is gone, and yes I do believe the AA program can give you the tools for a happier life. So what was bugging me? Quite simply I wasn't listening to the "still small voice" inside. I had had a few really busy weeks, and I let myself fall into the trap of my own will not my HP's will. I was trying to control, I was thinking I was in charge, I wasn't feeling humble, I was feeling self righteous, judgemental, and not full of inner peace. That was it, I had stopped listening to that voice. My HP knows what I need, not what I want...in other words this was a big lesson on how fast an alcoholic can slip. I used to wonder why people relapsed over and over, and now I understand. You need to be committed in the good and the bad. And if you are not in the moment, and are busy jumping ahead, you can loose sight of your course very fast. Regardless of how much work, or how many steps you have gone through, it can unravel in a split second. That's the nature of our disease, it only takes a second to awaken the demons if we're not paying attention. And then a gentleman said something at yesterday morning's meeting that I so needed to hear. He was talking about the highs and lows of life, and how easy it is to get stuck into thinking that when things are good they will stay that way, easy to get complacent, and then when things go bad he thinks they will always stay that way. So to strike the balance he reminds himself in the good times that "this too shall pass" and he does the same for the bad times. It keeps him centered, aware of today, not jumping into the future, and not abandoning the program because it's not all sunshine and butterflies. So I took some advice from a very reliable source and was "still" and I listened to the "small voice" and it told me what I already knew: that this was right where I needed to be, and the feeling of something not right would surely pass. Striking the balance may not be easy but it can mean the difference between sticking it out or abandoning ship. For "better or worse" can be a vow we apply to more than just marriage, it's a vow we need to honor in recovery........