Saturday, September 25, 2010

My God......

The Thursday night "We are Not Saints Group" that I lead had a very interesting discussion the other night. We read on page 53 of the Big Book about believing in a power greater than ourselves. Which applies to steps two and three. There were only five of us who braved the pouring rain so this was a very open and frank discussion. Each of us shared our coming to believe in a power greater than ourselves. One lady talked about how she believes in a power greater than herself but it's not God. She struggles with believing a loving God would allow bad things to happen to people. Someone else pointed out that God gives us the choice of free will, and that's why bad things happen. But everyone's point of view had something to offer. When it came to me I suddenly had all these flashbacks of from when I was little to the present. Sort of a 10 second look at my life with God. I grew up with the word, went to a parochial school, attended a beautiful church (physically) but that church was cold. It was made of stone and the people were cool, distant, high church as I like to call it. I remember as a teenager being uncomfortable with God. It was like he didn't fit and I couldn't wait to be 18 so I could tell my parents I wasn't going to church anymore. It wasn't until I had children of my own that I started to slowly make my way back to God. It was a struggle, often painful and unfulfilling. I felt like I was being strangled at times singing the old dogma and hymns. I left feeling I was missing something. When I was 14 my eighth grade class took a trip to Milwaukee. We went shopping and took in a Bucks game. We stayed overnight at Cross Lutheran church and when we worshipped the next day I felt like I was home. We were singing, and praising, raising our arms and shouting to the Lord. I was excited and exhilarated by his presence and felt so moved. I kept thinking maybe I should be a baptist?......Now you have to realize that were I come from it's old German Lutheran. There's not much moving and shaking in the church. But still I kept searching. I would sit in bible studies and hear my voice talking about God and his works, and his will and it still felt false to me. Five years ago my bestie and I attended a Women of Faith in Minneapolis and once again I found myself at home. I was so free worshipping with 18,000.00 other women. Standing on my feet and shouting to the Lord. But my daily walk was so strained. I couldn't find my niche with God. It wasn't until God took my hand and led me through the doors of AA that I finally saw him. He was the God of my understanding. I had spent my whole life looking for a God that fit someone else's belief on who he was. I never took the time to understand him from my point of view. My God, the one that walks beside me every day is a loving God. He is there when I stumble, when I ask for forgiveness, when I don't learn the first time. He knows all my sins and problems and loves my unconditionally. I have seen miracles worked first hand in the program of AA. He can make me feel fearless, and yet comfort me like a parent to a child. My God finally fits, and for that I am eternally grateful......

Friday, September 24, 2010

Flash 55 Friday


Pajama day,
Warrior wear,
school spirit and class identity.
Pep rallies, school skits, and
voting for the "queen".
As evening falls the bright
lights implode a thousand shouts
and yells, and endzone dreams.
Afterwards a dimly lit cafeteria
decorated in blue and gold. Together
you and I emerse in the warm sea
of swaying dancers.....

It's homecoming week at my son's high school. Unfortunately we are getting a lot of rain and the big game might be cancelled. Lots of activities going on. He's going to the dance with a girl that he's known since preschool. They have actually gone to school together for the last ten years. She has grown into a very pretty girl and I'm sure he's noticed. Just wanted to write something that would take me back to a time that didn't seem so long ago. Hope you all have a wonderful weekend.....

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Thoughts of autumn.....

I am the autumnal sun by Henry David Thoreau

Sometimes a mortal feels in himself Nature
-- not his Father but his Mother stirs
within him, and he becomes immortal with her
immortality. From time to time she claims
kindredship with us, and some globule
from her veins steals up into our own.

I am the autumnal sun,
With autumn gales my race is run;
When will the hazel put forth its flowers,
Or the grape ripen under my bowers?
When will the harvest or the hunter's moon
Turn my midnight into mid-noon?
I am all sere and yellow,
And to my core mellow.
The mast is dropping within my woods,
The winter is lurking within my moods,
And the rustling of the withered leaf
Is the constant music of my grief....

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Subtle Reminders.....

Tuesday already? When I adjusted my schedule at work I thought I would have all this extra time on my hands. Ha, ha, I seem to be busier than ever. We had such a fun time at the Vernon County Fair. It's the last fair of the season in Wisconsin. At first my daughter was hesitant to go on the rides but by the end she was going full boar! Of course the cheese curds, loaded nachos, homemade shakes, and mini donuts were yummy too. Plus I didn't know there were so many types of roosters. It's always fun to meander through the animal barns. The weather was very cool and fall like but that enabled us to have a fire and have some family time without a TV going. Just adults and kids of various ages, talking and laughing. We were also able to meet my nieces five month old Huskie Ava. What a beautiful face, and a sweet personality to match. It's always good to see family. I've been working on the tenth step. A daily inventory, or as my sponsor likes to say 'putting the day to bed". This time for personal reflection will be good for me in that I think it keeps one humble. The trick is to gently take a look, not beat yourself up. Not to criticize or critique yourself to death. But to honestly look at the day, to take note of things you would do differently. To open your mind to change. I'm trying to view this as a time to "relign" my thinking and doing. Sort of a daily "tune up". It also helps keep a person in the present, the here and now. I can see why this is considered a "maintenance step". And something else I've been working on is noticing all the "subtle" reminders of my disease that are given to me each day. Whether it's observing someone who has traits similiar to my own, how their display of behavior can mimick my own, and allow me to keep my attitude in check to gratitude. As I walked through the living room last night I noticed that my oldest was watching a show on MTV. Not my first choice in TV viewing but this show deals with a person who goes around shadowing other people's lives and giving us a glimps into their world on a daily basis. Last night he was spending a week with a young homeless girl. He did everything she did, from sleeping under trees to digging in dumpsters, to begging for food. The more he got to know her the more resilent he realized she was. She was happy, full of spirit, and even had a little dog that followed her all the time. At one point in the week they dig up enough recyclables to pay for bus tickets to get back to her hometown so she can get her social security card, so she can get an ID and a job etc. We learn why she left within a few minutes of meeting her parents. Alcohol, abuse, not feeling worth anything to anybody. It's heart breaking to see someone who feels they have no worth to anyone. They were able to get her SS card and head back to San Francisco. She talked about having nothing and yet being happy. She had genuine gratitude for those who show her compassion and she wants to someday give back. It was a very good reminder of what we really need in life. Self worth, someone to love and love us, gratitude, and humility. When I went upstairs to my room, to do my readings and put my day to bed, I asked my HP to continue watching over this young woman, and I also thanked him for reminding me that my program works if I work it, that I have self worth, and people whom I love, but most of all it humbled me. If this young woman can feel happy and blessed, then my cup runneth over..........