Flash 55 Friday

Side Notes

You caught my eye the other day,
You probably didn't think I would notice.
The subtle pop of color,
Bright orange is hard to disguise.
I couldn't help but wonder
if you're mocking me!
Reminding of summer's expiration date.
Gutsy for someone who stands among
the "nonliving", and soon will display
the splendor of autumn.....


Near the neighborhood we live in is located a large cemetary. It runs a few city blocks long and is filled with big huge old oak and maple trees. In the fall many people walk through there to enjoy the autumn colors. The other day I noticed that one of the maple trees is already changing colors. In a sea of green is this bright spot of orange. The air is cooler at night with a hint of sharpness. Although the days are warm fall is lingering and isn't so far away.....hope you all have an awesome weekend. I've packed some books and the kids and I are headed to the cottage for some r & r.....

Wednesday Wisdom....

God's Wheel by Shel Silverstein

GOD says to me with a kind
of smile, "Hey how would you like
to be God awhile And steer the world?"
"Okay," says I, "I'll give it a try.

Where do I set?
How much do I get?
What time is lunch?
When can I quit?"

"Gimme back that wheel," says GOD.
"I don't think you're quite ready YET."

I came accross this poem by Shel Silverstein and I know I've read it before but today it made me laugh out loud. My daughter said, "what's so funny?" I replied, "this poem! Can you imagine God taking a lunch break from the world to say eat a peanut and butter jelly sandwich?" she thought about it for a minute and said, "I think God would have a hot dog on a bun". We also added chips and a soda for God. He doesn't have to watch his sugar and carbs and he'll need his energy to run the world. It's funny but when you are so wrapped up in yourself, such as alcoholics are you never realize that God takes second seat to you. I was so busy screwing up my own life, pleading for help and forgiveness that it never dawned on me that he was waiting for me to get out of the way! I always wanted that wheel. The wheel of control that is. What's ironic is I had zero control. I remember a few days into AA when at a meeting they were talking about how selfish this disease is and I was thinking," selfish? Come on I do everything for everybody, I sacrifice myself all the time, I, I, I,....and then my cheeks got red for I realized just how selfish I was. It takes a great leap of faith to let go of the wheel, and let God drive. I still want to reach out now and then and steer or give God directions and like my husband I'm sure he doesn't appreciate my meddling in his driving. The point being that we aren't now or ever going to be ready to drive! We need to be the passengers, let God steer us in the direction he wants to go. When I do that I notice just how smooth the ride is. When I try to drive I almost always get lost. Just my thoughts for the day, and now I'm going to go get a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, or maybe the hot dog and chips.....

Affirmation.....

Did you ever have those days when you lift your head up off the pillow and it feels like it weighs 50lbs.? I did this morning. Sleeping with the windows open last night filled my head with gook. I awoke with pressure on my sinuses, red eyes, and scratchy throat. Needless to say the first look in the mirror was rather frightening this AM! I'm feeling a bit better but my eyes are still sore. But at least it wasn't from drinking! Last night I attended the "Daily Reflections" meeting. I love the intimacy of this meeting. It's held at a small local church and I enjoy the eclectic group of people that meet there. The reading dealt with the eighth step, damages we have caused, making amends and how alcohol had changed us. I often think alcohol is a quiet thief, choosing it's victims carefully. I guess as I think back I was a pretty easy target. Emotional, wanting to help the world, always going to save everybody, never taking care of myself etc. I bet alcohol took one look at me and said,"Uh-huh there's a sucker if I've ever seen one!" When I first started drinking I was silly and fun. There was a lightness to it. A "buzz" atmosphere. Drinking socially with our friends was fun too. We had some great times. Where alcohol turned on me is when I let it get to know me too well. When it saw how vulnerable I was it moved right on in. Drinking alone. Needing a drink to calm my nerves, then another because I wasn't calm enough, and then another, and another. What I didn't see was the weight I was putting on, the depression I was sliding into, the urge to sleep during waking hours, isolation. I stopped meeting friends out, avoided people I would see at a distance in the store, I even started communicating less with my parents. For a while my husband and I would have some terrific fights but in the end as my emotions disappeared one by one I gave up trying to fight. My soul was gone, sold out. People have said to me, "well at least you never got a drunk driving, or you didn't loose everything, or cheat on your husband, or hurt someone". Excuse me? Didn't hurt someone? Loosing your soul, your ability to care is like spraying shrapnel around a room full of people. Open your eyes and you'll see who you hurt. I let my children only get so close to me, I made my husband feel unloved, I sure wasn't a partner in any sense of the word. I became a crappy friend, because it was too much effort to go the distance, and I became an ashamed daughter because I no longer knew how to cope. Most of all I hurt myself. Any dignity or self worth, or accomplishments I threw out the window. I devalued myself as a person. You don't need physical evidence to display hurt. Emotional pain is devestating. It robs you daily until you stop. I remember when all those emotions came bubbling up to the surface. I felt like they were going to fly out of my being and drown me. It was physically painful to experience them all at once. I was crying, and wanted to scream and wanted to run and hide, and cry some more, and laugh. In other words it was crazy. But they were back and this time there was no alcohol to chase them out the door. What was interesting is that four of us ladies sat next to each other last night and we all had similar stories, just taking from one and adding to it. I heard what I had been wanting to hear for a long time: affirmation. People talked about doing the exact things I had done, that it took years to fix their marriages, their relationships, their souls. And I had been trying to get it all done in a year. I started to relax, and listen to the stories, and relate, and learn. Learn to take it slow. To just focus on my recovery and let God take care of the rest in his time. I left feeling validated. I'm on the right track, I just need to slow down the speed. For everything there is a purpose, for everything a season, for everything a time. So I left and headed home. Was greeted by my two youngest whom I hadn't seen the whole day. They were full of stories, and happenings . As they finished their baths, and settled down for the day, I came upon my oldest painting a cermic bust of Nephrititi. He had been working on her head for hours. Very patiently, very intently. His long fingers holding the brushes lightly, knowing that each stroke has value, and for once I didn't fail to see the metaphore of life. For everything there is a season, for everything there is a purpose, and it all takes time......

Old habits die really hard.....

It's happening again. The August "fear" has set in. I thought I was doing so good! Handling everything quite well for the last few weeks until I started waking up in the middle of the night with my jaw locked tight. I've suffered with bad TMJ on the right side of my jaw and it's so scary to wake with it locked tight because the only way to unlock it is to get it back to where it was and yikes that is painful. It has happened four days in a row. So my mind starts to analize everything and I'm searching for clues as to why I'm stressing and grinding my teeth during the night. Then it dawns on me. I've mentioned this before but August is a month that unnerves me. Summer is quickly fleeting, the days are getting shorter, school is fast approaching, schedules, checks, necessities, time frames, etc....and before you know it my mind is in a full blown panic of survival mode. I was thinking I was going to just coast through August this year and glide into September because my tools for living where going to make everything better. What I didn't realize is the power of the mind. All along these tiny little messages of doubt have been creeping in. "you're going to get overwhelmed", it's too bad your husband can't help out more", just wait for winter sports time, things will really get crazy", how are you going to work, cook, do homework etc?" Do you really think you are capable of handling a school year smoothly"! All these doubts have started to erode my self-confidence fast. I've been internalizing and now it's starting to show. So as I was laying in bed wide awake watching the ceiling fan whir round and round last night I needed to devise a plan. "Ok God, here's the deal, I have another school year fast approaching. I'm the team captain during the week and have backup help on the weekends. I tend to get overwhelmed. I need to stay focused, to keep the team motivated and most of all I need your help Lord. I can't do this alone." Then it came to me, I don't have to. I can do this with the help of God. With the help of my sponsor, my family, my AA peeps, my blogger peeps, friends, etc....I'm not the same person I was six months ago. I'm aware, I'm living life on life's terms, and I'm not throwing in the towel and retreating back to my leather chair with a glass in hand. I can do this, I've done this while I was drinking and survived, just think what I should be able to do now that I'm not drinking. I made a promise, to set up barriers, and say no when I want to. To not overschedule, and to keep things simple. Since spelling is a major road block for my kids, I'm requesting their sheets ahead of time so we can work at it more on the weekends. I will take care of myself, my program, and my family without drowning in the sea of life. Most of all I will put those little voices of doubt in my God box. He will take care of them while he's taking care of me. I laid awake a little while longer and listened to my husband snoring before drifting off to sleep. As the alarm went off my hand shot to the right side of my face, only to find a relaxed jaw. So I said "thank you" to God and started my day. Doubt, fear, and uncertainty kept me drinking before. They will not do it again, but I was reminded of how fast they could. So good-bye doubt, I do believe I tossed you in the lake a few months ago. So sorry you felt the need to visit but as usual you over stayed your welcome so don't let the door hit you in the back on your way out.........