Recovered vs. recovering......

Yesterday, sick of paperwork, crabby employees, and endless task lists, I took the afternoon off. Did grocery shopping(only had to give away one whole leg and half an arm)because the price of food baffles me, and I do not indulge! Just the basics cost a small fortune. Not to mention the teenage vacumn the consumes non stop in our home. After the groceries were put away my two youngest children and I went to see Diary of a Whimpey Kid Roderick Rules! For anyone unfamiliar with these books, pick one up at your local bookstore and read a few chapters. They are very funny, and you will be able to relate. I liked the first Whimpey Kid movie, and really liked this one. We all laughed, hooted, ate way to much buttery popcorn, and had an enjoyable afternoon. I dropped them off, threw a kiss to my hubby and headed back out the door for my seven o'clock We are Not Saints Group. My buddy D celebrated his seventh anniversary last night. I have known D for almost a year now, he and his wife met in AA and were married last June. A lovely couple. D started his recovery in jail. His sponsor spoke of the first time he met D at a jail meeting. He said lots of guys come to meetings just to get our for a while but few have the desire to change. He knew when he met D that this man was different. He desperatley wanted to get and stay sober. It was a very touching story, so awesome to hold his seven year coin and bless it. Not to mention that D is now a chef, and he made the most awesome cake. As we sat around eating cake and drinking out coffee we talked about recovered vs. recovering. I hear some people say they are grateful to be recovered alcoholics. I guess for me that's not an option. Recovered suggests a solution, an end. This program doesn't end. Well it does for people who walk away from it, but it's a program of growth and change. Perhaps these people have been cured from the urge to drink. It is one of the promises that I am so grateful for. But being fully recovered would mean to me that there is no more room for growth, or improvement. There's always room for that. And let's not forget humility. I need daily doses of that to keep me real. When I feel smarter, better, or judgmental towards people, a warning bell goes off in my head. I need to work my program! I need to focus on me, get back to the business of me. I will always be a work in progress. I don't want the end. I want growth, and the wonder of living, and that can only be found by being willing to take chances, learn from your mistakes and grow. After discussing this topic for a while other people started to talk about how after you are sober for a while you feel like you have all the answers. One man said he was just on fire after the first year. He was going to save everybody, especially his brother. He ended up embarrassing his brother in front of his peers and retreating with his tale between his legs. A lady talked about how after her first year she had the solutions for everyone. At Christmas time she bought AA big books for her parents, her brother, everyone she knew that was an active drinker. Needless to say these gifts were not to happily received. She said her mother gave hers away to Goodwill. We all laughed and sympathised because we had all been there. So in order for me to be genuine I must remember that I am not recovered. This disease is a part of me, and even if I'm not drinking it's actively progressing, just waiting for the day when I take a drink. I do not want that day to happen. So I will keep my eyes, ears, mind, and heart open for change and growth. Because as I've said before "if you're not growing, then you're dying".....

Watching train wrecks go by...

One thing that I have never gotten used to is just being concerned with my own affairs. I'm nosey. I can't help it. Part of it is ego, another true concern, another is I think I know what's best for everyone. Ouch that little dose of reality bites! However I find it frustrating when you sit and watch people make the same mistakes over and over. I know "sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly" but it drives me nuts. I know a certain lady in AA who comes in, and goes out, and in, and out. I'm pretty sure she can't string a week of sober days together. She's told me her past, and it's pretty terrible, she has a daughter, the father is in prison. You see the tiny spark in her. Yet the second that spark tries to emerge as a flame she stomps it out, and off she disappears until she shows up at the tables looking, thin, aged, and basically wrecked. She has clung to one straw after another. The first time she left, it was because she had to take care of her homosexual friend. She told us she "had to save him". Then she came back to meetings for a while. Then she got really involved in church and she was sure that would solve all her addictions. Then she came back. Now she's managed to get involved with one of the men at the AA club, and she's convinced that he will do it for her. She's also switched sponsors like people switch shoes. So why am I bothered with this? Because it drives me nuts to watch this. Yes, I know I need only be concerned with myself, to focus on all my problems and character faults. But it's maddening to watch self destruction. Part of it is she's near my age. Another is she brings her daughter to meetings, and that child has large expressive, scared eyes. You heart breaks wondering what that child has seen. There are days I feel like shaking this lady and saying, "Stop it, there is so much life for you to live". Quit looking for that easier softer way and do the work. Walk through the mess to get to the other side. Obviously minding my own business is something I really have to work on. But there are times when I think, "This is not a hard program. Just do it". And then I realize how fortunate I am. I could easily be this person. I could still be fighting surrender, turning my will over, taking my inventory, trying to run my own life. That is a scary thought that it could all disappear in a split second if I don't stay in touch with my own program. It's so much easier to look at someone else's issues rather than our own. So I guess for now, I need to look at my side of the street. Work on cleaning up those areas that aren't so clean. This woman does serve a purpose in my life. Besides being a fellow alcoholic she is a reminder to me of how cunning, baffling, and powerful this disease can be. I'm grateful that I hooked up with a great sponsor, that I worked really hard to grow, to forgive, and to accept. All I can do now is to "let go and let God". He has a design for her life, not me. I need to keep myself in check so I don't get soft, lazy, or too sure of myself. I need to give this lady to God, and put my attention back where it belongs, on me. And honey there's a whole lot of work I still need to do, so I will be busy for a long time.......

I am never going to have fun again!

I was having coffee with a friend the other day whom I haven't seen in a while and out of the blue this person says, "so do you have fun anymore, I mean it must be a real drag not being able to drink anymore". I nearly choked on my coffee. I'm a bit of smart ass by nature so after pondering this statement/question I wanted to say: "Well, when I entered AA I took a vow of never having fun again", I stay at home, bored out of my mind, drinking water, and staring at the walls of my 5 x 5 cell of sobriety hell". What was this person thinking?! Yes, only fun things come from drinking. I mean you can't have any fun unless you have a drink in hand! Then I had to give myself a moment and just be concerned with myself. I probably would have said the same thing if I was still actively drinking, because at one time, I didn't think you could have fun without drinking. It wasn't until drinking became a chore, a necessity, and I finally realized the fun had gone out of drinking a long time ago. Even the last day when I drank, it wasn't fun. I had finally reached the turning point. For those who can control their drinking this may be a concept they never have to deal with. However, looking back I am very happy I made it to that point. It was then that I knew I had to decide between being miserable drinking, or being miserable not drinking. What is surprising is how fast I began to realize that not drinking wasn't so bad. I sure didn't miss climbing into bed all liquored up and waking in the morning with a nasty headache. And sure there were times when I wanted to flee the pain, to run back to my numbing solution, but there were people who got me through those times, so I could keep remembering how miserable I was before I entered the doors of AA. My sponsor talks about how when she first sobered up she thought that she had to stay serious, focused, and she often thought that she "would never have fun again". Partly because she suffered the loss of her husband unexpectedly, she adopted her grandson when her daughter abandoned him, so she did have a lot of serious things going on. But she was invited to a party, and she almost didn't go, but then something inside her told her to go. She did, she ate, she danced, she laughed, and she realized that having a good time has nothing to do with alcohol. Like me she enjoys being able to remember the good time the next day. This past Saturday my hubby and two youngest children had dinner with my bestie, her hubby and their youngest daughter. We talked, we laughed, we ate delicious food, drank coffee, and just had an enjoyable evening. It's so nice now to walk in the door and have my oldest son say, "How was your dinner, did you have a nice time?" and I can honestly say "Yes, I had a great time". So I looked at my friend, and finally gave my answer. "I have a lot of fun being sober. I have fun with my family, with my friends, at meetings, and at work. My life is richer, more meaningful, and happier than any time when I was drinking. I don't miss it, nor do I want it back. I laugh louder, love deeper, and life has never been more fun than since I quit drinking." She had no response. At one time I wouldn't have had one either, but I'm sure grateful I do now.....