Fridays at the busy house........

When I was still drinking Friday nights were to say the least a nightmare. My oldest son always has one or two buddies staying over, and if you've ever watched 15 yr. olds eat you know you can't have enough food and milk in the house. Not to mention their size 13 shoes all piled up by the back door and the rock music blaring loudly. My two smaller children had most of the neighborhood in our backyard or in the house playing, and I was always running "this one here" and "that one there". I always ended the day with an extended cocktail hour and would crawl into bed feeling no pain. All this activity used to drive me crazy. I felt like the Grinch when he's looking down at the Who's and he says, "The Noise, oh the Noise!" I was always trying to run and hide. I thought my skin was crawling most of the time, and all I wanted was peace. Well what a difference two months makes. My house is still as busy as ever: tonight my daughter is going to a "friendship gathering" with all the little girls in her class, I need to pick up my youngest son, and the oldest with his friends, go back to work for an hour, pick up my daughter, go home, get my middle son, a quick trip through Target, drop them off at a friends and head home to meet my sponsor at 6:00. Whew, just thinking about it is exhausting. But what has changed is my attitude: extra kids at the house means my children are sociable and have lots of friends, other kids feel comfortable in our home which is a good thing, I have a life that is busy and full, and I get to spend my Friday nights with an awesome woman who is my sponsor working the steps. I will go to bed sober, read, and wake up minus a hangover. I just am in awe how fast and how many good things have happened in my live in just two months. Tonight my sponsor and I start the fourth step. She called me yesterday and asked me if I was ready. I was able to say yes without fear. When people first talked about their fourth step I was terrified. I don't want to look at all that stuff! But now that I've worked steps one through three I am ready. I won't take this journey alone. God, my sponsor, and all those who support me will be there. I need to open up the closet and dig all those "skeletons" out. It's time.

Tomorrow will be busy with the school carnival, and my 11:00 AA meeting. Working on projects around the house and attending a speaker meeting at 7:00. The person who is speaking is the man who answered the hotline the day I called. We have since become friends, and I have a special fondness for his journey as he made the difference for me to be able to walk through those doors. I am glad that I will get to hear his story. I asked my husband to come with me...there was a pause on the line...and then he said YES! I almost fell over. We are making progress little by little. Not perfection, but progress is right where I want to be. Tomorrow also marks my 2 month anniversary. I am eternally grateful to God, this program, all who support me ( u bloogers are awesome) and I am heading forward and I am
ready to become the person God always meant me to be.......

Empathy

On the first day I attended an AA meeting a man told me these important words: "Your past is important because it gives you empathy for others". I was able to see that through the stories that were shared at last night's meeting. One woman was struggling with her son. He is a 20ish alcoholic and was hospitalized last week for pancreatitis. He attended a few AA meetings with her a while back, but no sooner was he released from the hospital and he was back in the bars. You could just feel her frustration, her worry, her desperation at having to stand back and watch this train wreck. I of course wanted to give her some magical solution. Too bad there isn't one. So we talked to her about giving it up to God. Trusting that whatever happens is his will. Work the steps, be faithful to what keeps you sober. Another woman was at her third meeting. She had stopped drinking on Sunday but was really struggling. Terribly shy, almost like a cautious little bird she told us about her blackouts. That she often wakes up injured (head cut open, broken ribs etc.) and that her alcoholic boyfriend tells her that she fell and hit the wall or the dresser etc....I know I shouldn't go there but the red flags were going up really fast when she was telling us this. I wanted to pluck her out of that environment and place her somewhere safe. Another girl was struggling with a family death, a new job, and wanting to have a baby. Her voice cracked when she talked and tears filled her eyes more than once. It's in these situations that I find my faith and trust in God tested. I want to help, I want to make it all better...I I I I I I I...I need to trust that God has a plan for these people. The only I thing I can do is to empathize, feel their pain, offer support in prayer and listening, a hug. For a long time I haven't been able to feel other's pain. I was so numb and self-absorbed that I could just make my face crinkle up and utter "that's terrible" when I heard about someone else's misfortunes. But I never felt anyone's pain. I think my pain was so heaped up inside me that there wasn't room to feel any other emotions like empathy. These stories are so important for me to hear because they keep me humble, and remind me that I am not alone, that I can be a compassionate listener, but I can't be a "fixer". My whole life I've wanted to be the fixer of all the problems. This trait led to many poor choices. In realtionships I would only date guys who seemed to have a million problems because in my mind "I would save them, fix them". All I got was a broken heart, and hurt and bitter...My friends through high school and even into college were girls with tons of issues because for some reason "I could save them". What's ironic is that I gave up my self love as well as my sense of self so by the time I met my husband and started my married life I never knew who I was. AA has taught me the importance of self love and sense of self. That if I'm following my program, going to meetings, meeting with my sponsor, spending quiet personal time with God, I am a stronger, healther human being. I can't save other people, but I can be of service and sometimes all that's required is just listening, and offering a hug..........

A pinch of this, a dash of that.....

Middle of the week. Wednesday brings the AA women's meeting. A small group of ladies who share, laugh, cry and learn from each other. Last week we discussed small details like friends acting weird around you when they are drinking, and if you should take wine or grapejuice at communion. One lady had two funny stories about each: When she was up North with her in-laws for the first time after becoming sober, she went in the other room and heard her mother-in-law say in a very loud whisper: "Hey anyone want a quick drink while so-in-so is out of the room?" she laughed at it now but was really ticked off when it happened. Then she had spoken with her pastor about her alcoholism and communion. Her pastor said it was up to her and he would keep it discreet. So on the day of communion she kneels down and this pastor says in not such a quiet voice, "Since you're not drinking anymore do you want me to run and get you the grape juice?!" She said she was so stunned that it took her a few seconds to notice that all eyes seemed to be on her. The little things that can pose such big questions when you decide to become clean and sober. I remember thinking, "what if I want to make my famous garlic chicken? it calls for two cups of white wine?" What if I'm shopping for a dinner and someone from AA sees me buying wine for my guests....what about communion? do I take the wine if I'm able to see it as the "body and the blood" or do I stick to grape juice to be safe?!" When I first came into AA, I wanted an instruction booklet. The kind with a section on "Frequently asked questions?" It wasn't until I was a few weeks into the program that I realized using the tools that you are being given helps to make sound decisions on what you need to decide on. Following my gut instinct, asking God what he wants me to do helps those small details seem minute. I never realized how big I made things seem. At times I feel like I'm my shadow,stepped away from myself and looking at my actions and habits for the first time. I am learning to be very truthful with myself and it's not always pretty. But if I'm truly in my program I can be objective and learn from my past mistakes. That is such a blessing. I remember in my high school history class a sign that hung on the wall which said :"Those who do not learn from the past are doomed to repeat it". I repeated a lot of the same stupid mistakes over and over again. Now I finally appreciate that quote.

My son's visit to the orthodontist went well. He has a lot of work to be done but I liked the Dr. and we are going to get started as his cross-bite is damaging a number of bottom teeth. I spoke with the girl who handles the finances and we went over insurance coverage, downpayments, and monthly payments. It's going to be affordable after all. I love when I hand it up to God and he just takes care of it all. After a quick stop at Barnes and Noble, I arrived at home to a message from a friend of mine. I called her back and she told me that she and her husband are expecting their second child in November. I sat with this person many times as she sobbed by one failed attempt after another. Fertility tries, finding out her husband had physical issues, and then when she had finally given up after 8 long frustrating years, she became pregant with their first child. I was so happy to hear her news. We caught up on our familie's "goings on" and I realized that I really like the point at which I am in my life. I love babies, but I do not want to care for one at my age. I enjoy my children's thoughts, dreams, conversations, etc....I have left one stage behind and moved into another, and that's OK, life is what you make of it, and right now,just for today, my life is good.......

April Showers........

It is raining today and overcast. A good day to sit home and read. But work calls so that is not going to happen. Today I take my middle son to the orthodontist for a "consultation". When he was at the Dentist in January I was asked to come back so the Dr. could explain what was happening in his mouth. A cross bite that is actually pushing some of the lower teeth out front. In other words, correcting a bite, and full braces. We have some orthodontic coverage on our dental and flex spending so that will help. Before I would have freaked out. "How are we going to pay for this?" and I would have dwelt on that for days. Now I will calmly talk to the orthodontist, then communicate that information to my husband, and then we will decide what to do, all the while giving it to God, and realizing that it will all be taken care of. Handing that "worry" part over to God is starting to help me so much. I no longer feel the knotted up anxiety that I used to feel in my chest. I was always wound way too tight. I've let the kids claim their rooms as their own, only asking for a "clean up" when I can no longer see the floor. My sponsor suggested that I put away my rigid "pick up" policy and let my children enjoy their rooms. I was crazy with having to have everything in it's place, never a dish in the sink, the entire house picked up before I left for work. At first I was not crazy about the idea. But then she said, "I'm not saying become a slob, but your kids need to feel relaxed in their environment and you really only need to have everything picked up when you are having people over." She was right, I can now leave dishes in the sink if I have to, the kids can have things out in their rooms, and I can deal with picking things up when I get to them. It's funny how much change can happen when you just let things happen. When you put away trying to control and just let things unfold, you start to become more calm. I wanted everything done right now, today and not tomorrow. I'm starting to learn how to wait. Everything is a process and not to be completed over night. This has made my journey in AA much more attainable to me. I need to slow down, enjoy the trip no matter what is handed my way, and trust God that he will take care of it in his time not "my" time. Who ever thought that at 41 I would learn the beauty of patience, the integrity of trust, and the ability to breath........

Ramblings.......

I can't think of an appropriate title for today's post so I will just ramble. I hope everyone had a lovely Easter. The weather was beautiful. Friday my sponsor and I worked through the third step. I was feeling good as I always do after one of our long sessions. Went to bed early and then Saturday came and with it a huge fight with my husband. There was a misunderstanding which led to much discussion, accusations, tears, and me spending most of the day in our bedroom crying. It sucks when you get to hear things about yourself that you don't want to hear. I knew it would come sooner than later. I had to face some harsh facts about things I have done over the years, and the reality that maybe my husband doesn't want to stay with me. So I escaped to the bedroom to cry and I mean a river of tears, and then to reflect on what had been said. I had to take responsibility for what I had done. I dissected, took a good hard look at myself and then rose out of bed, washed my face, adjusted my attitude and got back into the game. And yes, I gave it all up to God. Just handed the whole mess up to him, and said, "thy will be done". The rest of the day was very nice and ended with my husband and I watching our favorite John Wayne movie together:"The Quiet Man". Easter morning broke with our two youngest racing through the house looking for their baskets and asking for clues. Church was beautiful and for once I didn't cry all the way through it. As we were waiting for the service to begin I was able to observe my children. My oldest and his best friend, softly talking and smiling. I couldn't believe how long my son's eye lashes are. I don't know if he will ever know how grateful I am for all the support he gives me. He is so mature at times, and has been the voice of reason for me on more than one occasion. He takes it in stride and is a good example for me to learn from. My middle child, so militant, he loves order and schedules, and then my daughter in her pretty dress, nylons, and sparkling shoes. She carries herself well and seems to have the soul of a 40 year old. I want to capture their youth for years to come. We had a lovely dinner at my parent's house. Lots of playing outside, the dogs running, a great meal, and laughter over pie. Then it was home to get lunches packed, backpacks organized, showers, and bedtime. My husband and I were even able to watch "Sherlock Holmes" and share some popcorn. Small wonderful changes that mean the world to me. Just not carrying around to much worry and stress. Being able to give an issue to God, even if I have to give him the same problem 10 times a day, it's a release. I now begin the fourth step. My sponsor said, "Reflect, remember, and when the urge hits start writing". Of course my perfectionist mind starts panicking,"how will I remember everything?" and then she tells me, "Do the most thorough job you can, and as more is revealed to you, you can always do another". The pressure just released. So today starts a new day, a new week. One day at a time. I've been so busy in my yard and gardens, that I've ignored my nightly routine of journaling, listening to music, and reading. So tonight I will put on a little "Diana Krall" (Quiet Nights) and journal then read. I find when I take a few minutes for me, my mind stays less jumbled, and more focused. Who knows what lies ahead, but I'm no longer afraid to find out.......

Calm Acceptance: Best of Friends

Calm Acceptance: Best of Friends

Patty,
I am so happy that you were able to reconnect with your friend. The friends that know us so well are priceless. They often offer validation to our memories. I read your story the other day. You are a great testament to how the program works, and you have my utomost admiration. I hope good things continue to fill your days! Blessings!