It's been years since I've posted but I mentioned this blog to a new friend of mine and for some reason I wanted to take a trip back. Perhaps it was a longing for nostalgia, to see what was happening in my life three years ago, or perhaps it was time to see if I could return to something that had given me such release and happiness so long ago. The few who followed me are long gone but that doesn't matter, they were faithful in their journey, I was sidetracked. I got busy living and somehow the need to put my thought down daily no longer took precedence over other things. But coming here and reading just a few old thoughts made me realize that maybe I missed this community more than I cared to admit. Either way I'm here, not sure how long I'll stay but I'll run some thoughts out of my brain and maybe if I'm lucky I'll gain some insight along the way.
Over two years ago I started attending a woman's group on Monday's. I was in need of change from my regular meeting schedule and a friend invited me to try this particular group, and I was hooked from the start. Smart, funny, broken, wise, hurt, and beautiful women attend this meeting. I have had some of my biggest moments of growth come from spending an hour each week in the company of these extraordinary women and tonight was no exception. One of these ladies has suffered two huge personal losses no one should ever have to experience while a third person in her life hangs in the balance. The fact that she has herself to a meeting so shortly after all this happened astounds me and makes me realize what a coward I am. Tonight she shared. She cracked herself open and poured out her anger, her hatred, her frustration, her sorrow, and her flow of pain ran in a steady stream across the quiet room. I sat for long time almost in a state of holding my breath. Fearing that I would feel her pain, which I did, and which in the past would have sent me running for a drink just so I could numb my pain with little regard to her suffering. Pain and emotion make me very uncomfortable. But now six years sober I can feel my friends grief without crawling out of my skin. I sat their with tears running down my cheeks as so many others did as well. I wanted to feel as much as I could so my friend might lighten her burden for just a moment. If only we could carry the pain that others feel. but grief like so many things in life belong solely to the person experiencing them, that I could only listen, and offer my hugs afterwards.
It is an amazing privilege when someone trusts a group so thoroughly that they can share their darkest moments without hesitation. To be a part of something so much bigger than ourselves is mind blowing. I can't take my friend's pain away, I can't help her sleep through the night. I can't chase the black cloud away before it descends on her shortly after waking. but I can feel empathy. I can grieve with her, I can give her time and respect the journey she must travel. These have been huge areas of growth for me in my sobriety and I am so thrilled that I no longer run from emotions but instead face them head on and live to tell. I don't know why I used to run from pain, its just as essential as happiness, just harder to receive. Will my friend be okay? I have no idea but she was there tonight, she was there last week. She keeps coming back and for now that's enough.......
Over two years ago I started attending a woman's group on Monday's. I was in need of change from my regular meeting schedule and a friend invited me to try this particular group, and I was hooked from the start. Smart, funny, broken, wise, hurt, and beautiful women attend this meeting. I have had some of my biggest moments of growth come from spending an hour each week in the company of these extraordinary women and tonight was no exception. One of these ladies has suffered two huge personal losses no one should ever have to experience while a third person in her life hangs in the balance. The fact that she has herself to a meeting so shortly after all this happened astounds me and makes me realize what a coward I am. Tonight she shared. She cracked herself open and poured out her anger, her hatred, her frustration, her sorrow, and her flow of pain ran in a steady stream across the quiet room. I sat for long time almost in a state of holding my breath. Fearing that I would feel her pain, which I did, and which in the past would have sent me running for a drink just so I could numb my pain with little regard to her suffering. Pain and emotion make me very uncomfortable. But now six years sober I can feel my friends grief without crawling out of my skin. I sat their with tears running down my cheeks as so many others did as well. I wanted to feel as much as I could so my friend might lighten her burden for just a moment. If only we could carry the pain that others feel. but grief like so many things in life belong solely to the person experiencing them, that I could only listen, and offer my hugs afterwards.
It is an amazing privilege when someone trusts a group so thoroughly that they can share their darkest moments without hesitation. To be a part of something so much bigger than ourselves is mind blowing. I can't take my friend's pain away, I can't help her sleep through the night. I can't chase the black cloud away before it descends on her shortly after waking. but I can feel empathy. I can grieve with her, I can give her time and respect the journey she must travel. These have been huge areas of growth for me in my sobriety and I am so thrilled that I no longer run from emotions but instead face them head on and live to tell. I don't know why I used to run from pain, its just as essential as happiness, just harder to receive. Will my friend be okay? I have no idea but she was there tonight, she was there last week. She keeps coming back and for now that's enough.......
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