Friday, April 2, 2010
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
It's funny. When you start something new it is often accompanied by an apology. If you start a diet, people tend to either police you or make an excuse for what they are eating. Same with alcohol. I stopped at a friend's house the other night and this person had been drinking. When they saw it was me they started giving me excuses about their drinking, how they should stop, and on and on. I don't think I've given anyone the impression that I feel that they should stop drinking. I always emphasize that this is "my" choice. My husband will still drink once in a while. He can just have "a drink" unlike myself who knows if I have one I can guarantee I'll have more. This apologizing or justifying has happened a lot. I wish people didn't feel the need to apologize for their choices. This is something that I didn't expect to happen. And I hate how uncomfortable some people are around me now that I don't drink. I want to yell, "It's OK to drink, I'm just not going to!" Anyway does anybody have suggestions on how to act or handle these situations as they come up......?
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
As a child I was fortunate to have grandparent's that loved to garden. On my father's side my grandpa and grandma had a huge vegetable garden, and on my mother's side my grandfather grew over 10,000 plants from seed every year. His yard was filled with flowers, people would drive by slowly to take it all in. He won numberous awards, and everything he touched thrived. He also had an enormous willow tree that I ran through and pretended it was my kingdom. Somewhere without knowing it the garden gene was included in my DNA. When we first bought our home in the city, the yard was nice, and the perrenial beds old. Since then we have torn out, rebuilt, added, and transplanted all those gardens. I love my city garden because it offers me tranquility in the midst of chaos. Much like sobriety does. Last summer when my drinking was at it's deepest I even stepped away from my yard. I let the gardens have weeds, didn't bother dead heading any of the plants, it took all my energy just to water the flowers. I was rejecting one of my greatest loves. What once was a passion had turned into just one more chore, one more thing that needed me and frankly I was worn out. Last night I came home from work, the kids were at a friend's house and I worked in those flowerbeds till dark. For once I worked at a slow pace. Enjoying just being outside, smelling the rich soil of spring, listening to the birds, talking to my neighbor who lives behind me that is expecting their second child in five weeks. Hearing the excitment and anticipation in his voice. My faithful Bichon Jack stayed at my side the whole time I worked. I lovingly looked for buds, signs of growth, and cleaned out dead leaves, pine needles, and other miscellaneous leftovers from winter. After I picked up the kids I took a long bath. By the time I crawled into bed, my muscles were reminding me that I hadn't used them in a while. I read a bit, said my prayers and sighed a sigh of contentment. I had spent a few hours of physical therapy in my yard and in return my soul was fed, my body tired, and my gratitude for God and nature overflowing.....
Monday, March 29, 2010
I never remember seeing all the tiny daily miracles that happen during the week. It's like I was never fully concious of my surroundings until I started sobriety. My sponsor spent the weekend at a silent retreat. She was searching for a deeper understanding of her higher power. When she first came into AA she did not have a higher power. Now she has chosen God as her HP. We had discussed her sprituality a few weeks ago and I asked her if she had ever read the book "The Shack". She said "no", so I loaned it to her. I told her it was an excellent read, and it might help to clear up some misconceptions she was having. Well she leaves for this retreat and decides to bring along the book. She gets there Friday night and the first father to talk tells them the whole retreat is based upon the book "The Shack". She said chills ran down her spine. She had no idea. So she read, and read, and really learned so much from the book and the speakers. She came back so excited. We talked about how God places people in your lives because things are going to happen through them. She came home with a glow and a spiritual feeling she has never known. "Bling, Bling". Another "bling, bling" moment happened to me this morning. Last night after journaling I prayed to God and handed my life and will over to him. I told him I'm sure I'll try to take it back a million times but we would take this one day at a time. I was amazed how peacful I felt when I was finished. This morning I arrived at work and started looking for some quality control data that I had misplaced. This was back up for our operations review that is coming up and for the life of me I couldn't find it. Instead of getting all freaked out and upset I remained calm, and even told the person who was asking for the data, that if I didn't find it he would have to use what was entered. It was great because I wasn't all crazy and crabby. I just kept saying in my head, "God this is out of my control, I need to know what you want me to do in this situation, if it's your will for me to find it then so be it, if not I will deal with the consequences. I sat down at my desk, grabbed some files, opened one and there was the data! Just like it had appeared seconds before I opened the file. My heart smiled, and I closed my eyes, and thanked God for his will being that I found it. Some say that's just a coincidence but I choose otherwise. It's the rythmn of the universe and what happens when you let God live inside you. When you realize that he is in control, when your ego's set aside and your eyes are opened. Now I'm beginning to think about other things that have happened, and I can see all the small miracles that have occured in the last few weeks. The best way I can explain it is through my daughter who likes to sing around the house, "Jesus loves me this I know...........
Sunday, March 28, 2010
My sponser and I are meeting later today and we are beginning the third step. For some reason this step has been bothering me all week. I'm not sure why except for the final release over what I imagine to be my control. I have no control, if I did my life would not have been so caotic the last 20 years. There seems to be a little voice that keeps saying, "Good luck turning your will over to God, you'll never make it five minutes" this voice keeps popping into my head and filling me with fear. So at yesterday's Saturday morning meeting I asked my fellow AA buds if they had an advice for me. The responses were great. "Don't get freaked out, just say a simple prayer to God and then start working on each day giving your will to him." "Give him your will, and there are times you will take it back, and then you will give it to him and each time you give it back you'll give up a little more will." One woman said she struggled for months with this step until she realized how caotic her life became each time she tried to live by her will and not God's. There were many suggestions and it was so helpful. I came away feeling not intimidated anymore. For some reason I had it in my head that this "turning our will over to God" was a one shot deal. I was terrified that I wouldn't get it right. But then after the meeting I realized that this is something I will do everyday of my life. Learning to ask God to show me his will in situations. Letting things beyond my control be worked out on God's timing. The agenda would no longer belong to me. This was such a huge relief. Truth be told I'm a terrible ringmaster. The big top just gets more wild by the minute when I'm in charge. Last night my parents came for dinner. The house was filled with action. My oldest had his best friend over, my daughter and middle son had dragged half the neighborhood over to play, my parents had also brought their dog who was busy chasing our dog and the volume was at max. Now before this would have had me crazy. I would have been drinking and enormous glass of wine, and would have been crabby and full of anxiety over all the caos. But I realized that I no longer feel that old pal anxiety, anxiousness, the need to be the center of the universe. I quietly went about preparing dinner and we had a delicious meal, great conversation and a very pleasant evening. My husband and I have had lots of nice talks this weekend and the kids are on spring break. Not to mention the temps are going to be summer like for the coming week. You know it's funny, here I am worrying about the third step and in many ways I've already turned my will over to God......and as usual his timing is always right on time........