Friday, October 1, 2010

Flash 55 Friday...


I can't explain why,
towers of metal and glass
quicken my pulse
Most people are repulsed by crowds
but your hub of everyday bodies
and machines acts like blood
flowing through my veins.
Bright lights, restaurant smells,
and culture abound.
A million idiosyncrasies to discover
in a weekend's time,
only leaves me longing for more.......

My husband and I along with our besties are headed to the Twin Cities for the weekend. The last time we went any where without children I was six months pregnant with our second child so I guess we still had children along. I love cities and to me the Twin Cities holds the best of both worlds. Big city life with midwest charm. My husband and I will celebrate 17 years of marriage on Saturday October 2nd. and he will be humoring me in the city because he wants a log cabin on 40 acres in the middle of nowhere. Our road has not been a smooth one, a great deal of that do to my dealing, but for some reason he's still here. For that I am grateful. When we had Alex's birthday party last month, we were all sitting around having coffee and laughing when I looked up and caught my husband staring at me. He had a soft smile on his lips and I'm not sure what he was thinking, but we've made it this far, so I think we can both hang around to see what the next years will bring. Wishing you all a beautiful autumn weekend.....

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Autumn color is peaking in central Wisconsin. (I didn't take this picture) but it is the view from Granite Peak, a state park in my hometown. I'm not sure what it is about this season that I love so much. I remember when my husband and I had been dating about 5 months, we would take long walks through the fall leaves in the neighborhood he lived in, and talk about the future. I love how blue the sky is, the smell of dry leaves, the breathtaking color against the dark green of the grass. The nights have been cool, and the moon holds a tint of yellow. This morning as I was backing down the driveway I stopped and looked down our street. Large maple and oak trees create a canopy type feel to the area and the leaves were literally pouring from the trees. It was so beautiful. The kids want to make a leaf pile after school. You know what happens when you do that children from all over the neighborhood start showing up :) There's almost a magical feel to it all. Hope you are all having an awesome week and I will leave you with this poem:

October's Bright Blue Weather
by Helen Hunt Jackson

O sun and skies and clouds of June
And flowers of June together,
Ye cannot rival for one hour
October's bright blue weather;

When loud the bumblebee makes haste,
Belated, thriftless vagrant,
And goldenrod is dying fast,
And lanes with grapes are fragrant;

When gentians roll their fringes tight,
To save them for the morning,
And chestnuts fall from satin burs
Without a sound of warning;

When on the ground red apples lie
In piles like jewels shining,
And redder still on old stone walls
Are leaves of woodbine twining;

When all the lovely wayside things
Their white-winged seeds are sowing,
And in the fields, still green and fair,
Late aftermaths are growing;

When springs run low, and on the brooks
In idle, golden freighting,
Bright leaves sink noiseless in the hush
Of woods, for winter waiting;

When comrades seek sweet country haunt
By twos and twos together,
And count like misers hour by hour
October's bright blue weather.

O sun and skies and flowers of June,
Count all your boasts together,
Love loveth best of all the year
October's bright blue weather.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Being Selfish.....

A few weeks ago I did a post on helping a friend. I felt really good about helping this person. He seemed much more upbeat after we spoke but then....he started calling more, and because I wanted to be nice I would take his calls and patiently answer his questions. Now there's been no advancements or "suggestions" made by this person but I started to get that queasy feeling in my stomach. You know the one that sends the signal to the brain that something just isn't right. Now my sponsor and his sponsor knew that we had talked. My sponsor did not say much when I told her of our meeting. So when I called her last week to seek guidance she was not surprised. "Remember when I asked you not to sponsor anyone until you were through the twelve steps?" she said. I replied, "Yes, but I wasn't sponsoring, I was just helping, and I thought we were suppose to help other alcoholics". To which she replied, "We are, but the person who sought you out is male, and wanting to be codependent on someone else, you know the "easier softer way"?....Now I knew why I was having that queasy feeling. My gut was telling me this wasn't right. In my usual fashion, I rushed in to help, but didn't consider the consequences! Am I alcoholic or what! (lol) So my sponsor asked, "What are you going to do about it?" Darn I was hoping she would talk to his sponsor (me being the coward that I am) and since that wasn't going to happen I needed a solution. First I took the advice she gave: Be selfish, yes selfish in your recovery. You have worked very hard these past months, you have been open to change, you have grown, not without dealing with a lot of pain and you have a long way to go. He's stuck and he wants to ride on your coat tails and being alcoholic you think you can save him, and you will let him tag along because your mind will tell you you can carry both of you until finally he drags you down, and sooner or later alcohol will be right around the corner. I will not sit back and watch this happen." It had never crossed my mind that this could happen. I just thought I was helping, never realizing that I could put my own recovery in danger. My sponsor and I talked a while and decided that I should call him, be direct, explain that I needed to take care of myself, and that he needs to be working his own program with his sponsor. So of course I was chicken at first but then picked up the phone and took care of business so I thought. We had a nice talk and I spoke my peace. He said things were going better, that he had been meeting with his sponsor and thanked me for my time. So I go on my merry little way for a day and then on Friday find a message on my cell phone from him. He was giving me his email address asking that we stay in touch. Enough, I deleted his call. I had made myself clear so i thought. But then there's a side that still wants to help.......but then I got mad. Hey no one made it easy for me. I've done my work, now it's time for him to do his! I finally understood what "being selfish" in your recovery means. I will not jepordize all that I've worked for. I needed to set the boundaries, and do it now. So I went to my Saturday morning meeting and of course he was there. I said "hello" politely, asked him how things were going, and then went and sat by my sponsor. I know my body language was pretty stiff but I wanted my point accross. I did not answer his phone call, nor did I add in his email. This journey has been the hardest one I have walked. I will not risk it being undone. I can pray for this person, but I will not carry him. My HP walks beside me, to make this path possible. I guess there is a time to be selfish, and my time is now......