Monday, June 14, 2010

Progress not Perfection.....

You hear and say this phrase a lot, but oh how quickly we forget it when it comes to practicing it. When I first started my road of recovery I had all these grand ideas that my life would be rosy and happy and I would never be judgemental, crabby, cross, confused, pissed off, angry or just in an all around horse shit mood.....Hmmm.....then how come all that can still can happen in a split second? Because we are human! Our emotions are still our emotions. It would be great to be loving, kind, and accepting 24 hours a day but I can't. I still am judgemental, there are days I'm pissed off and angry, and confused and crabby, but I no longer need a drink to forget those emotions, there's the difference. I live through my emotions and if I act poorly I have to deal with those feelings of shame and guilt too. I remember how shocked my husband acted when two months in I got crabby with him...well at first I felt bad but then I realized "this is life baby" and I can't erase 41 years of habits. Too many times at meetings I hear people take out the "big stick" and start beating themselves in front of the group. We are sooooo good at that. But it does us no good. So put away the big stick. This is a program for life, not overnight. When someone asks me "how's it going in AA?" I give them my standard answer "it's a work in progress". After all perfection never gave me what I wanted so why repeat it over and over expecting different results?! I think I've had enough of that insanity to last me a lifetime...


  1. I have to wonder what I'm getting out of it when I beat myself up like that. Today I heard someone say, "you can't see character defects (I don't know about that part - mine might be visible from space) we know about other people's defects because we have them, too."

  2. I know what you mean. Any judgment I make of my own work or ideas... is wrong. The point is, I'm not in the judgment business at all anymore. If I have done something that makes me feel bad, then I move in a direction to amend, if I move in a direction that feels good, I tell on the direction and credit God's grace and mercy for all of it!

    At least that's what my ideal is. I still fall back into judgment a lot though.

    A friend once said.

    If you find that you are having to rationalize, explain or reason something out to anyone or yourself, you are still working in disease.

    Rationalizations, explanations and reasoning are all (essentially) to make others believe you know what you're talking about or doing (or to convince yourself of the same. Hmmmmm... still trying to live on self-will :)

    I can't wait for the day when I can just move through my day without the reasoning, explaining, rationalizing or convincing :) Just being! :)

  3. i heart you...its a journey not a sprint...and if perfection in the goal, you wil often find it empty...

  4. I am definitely a work in progress. I don't think that perfection for us humans is possible. But I am willing to work towards doing God's will which would bring me as close to perfection as I can ever be.