The Still Small Voice.......

The 24 hr. reading for June 5th. talked about listening to the "still small voice" inside. This set off a little warning bell inside my head. I had a strange week, last week. Once again something felt "off". I thought maybe it was because we had just had such an awesome weekend, and that getting back into the routine of things was difficult, or the fact that my husband was on vacation, or any number of things. I mean I just felt tired, tired of recovery, tired of self evaluation 24/7. Tired of defects, tired of control and self will.......and then Friday came and my sponsor and I started on the 8th. step and I just didn't feel like it. It wasn't until I heard this reading asking if I listened to my "still small voice" that I realized what was bothering me. The glow was gone. That first few months of fast paced change, the excitment of the fog lifting, the awareness of your surroundings. I had hit mid life in the steps and just realized that the real work was beginning. The honeymoon was over. Now that the glow was gone I needed to ask myself a few questions. Was I still happy in recovery? Was I ready to apply the steps to my everyday living? How much had my life really changed? Was the AA program the key to happiness? Tough questions, but luckily easy answers. Yes, I was still happy in recovery, I do and will apply the steps in my daily living, Yes, my life has changed, the caos is gone, and yes I do believe the AA program can give you the tools for a happier life. So what was bugging me? Quite simply I wasn't listening to the "still small voice" inside. I had had a few really busy weeks, and I let myself fall into the trap of my own will not my HP's will. I was trying to control, I was thinking I was in charge, I wasn't feeling humble, I was feeling self righteous, judgemental, and not full of inner peace. That was it, I had stopped listening to that voice. My HP knows what I need, not what I want...in other words this was a big lesson on how fast an alcoholic can slip. I used to wonder why people relapsed over and over, and now I understand. You need to be committed in the good and the bad. And if you are not in the moment, and are busy jumping ahead, you can loose sight of your course very fast. Regardless of how much work, or how many steps you have gone through, it can unravel in a split second. That's the nature of our disease, it only takes a second to awaken the demons if we're not paying attention. And then a gentleman said something at yesterday morning's meeting that I so needed to hear. He was talking about the highs and lows of life, and how easy it is to get stuck into thinking that when things are good they will stay that way, easy to get complacent, and then when things go bad he thinks they will always stay that way. So to strike the balance he reminds himself in the good times that "this too shall pass" and he does the same for the bad times. It keeps him centered, aware of today, not jumping into the future, and not abandoning the program because it's not all sunshine and butterflies. So I took some advice from a very reliable source and was "still" and I listened to the "small voice" and it told me what I already knew: that this was right where I needed to be, and the feeling of something not right would surely pass. Striking the balance may not be easy but it can mean the difference between sticking it out or abandoning ship. For "better or worse" can be a vow we apply to more than just marriage, it's a vow we need to honor in recovery........