Friday, July 2, 2010

For every thing there is a season ......

A few years ago my brother gave me a shoot from one of his rose bushes. Now he can grow roses. His yard is filled with gorgeous roses, climbing over gates and trellises. I on the other hand am "so so" with roses. I planted the rose in an initial spot and it did not do well, so I moved it. It like the spot and grew like crazy last summer but did not bloom. I am thrilled to say this year it's blooming. Beautiful pink roses! I was so excited when I found the buds earlier this week, and yesterday when I came home from work I was able to see the full blossom. As I was admiring their beauty I was reminded of a blog post that I did on February 13, 2010. I talked about looking for the signs, and I remember stepping out of that florist shop and seeing all the rose petals that the owner has scattered on the sidewalk. To me it was a sign that better things were to come. Now five months later with no snow in sight I'm witnessing the blooming of the rose, not just the petals. Thank you God for the promise, and the delivery. Life is good.........

Flash 55 Friday


We think of cookouts,
hamburgers and potato salad,
strawberry shortcake and lemonade.
A day off from work, lazily spent
however we like. Rarely do we remember
the brave men so long ago, who risked
treason for independence.
So when the darkness descends, and
the colors explode, whisper a
thank you for life, liberty and happiness!

It must be age, but I now appreciate what our forefathers did for us. They could have been tried for treason and hung, but they had goals and ideals they wanted to freely express. When you look at the Declaration of Independence you can't help but admire those goals and beliefs. If you need to appreciate just how sweet freedom is, then compromise your beliefs, and give up your goals and dreams for while, for all too soon you will find out just how precious it is....We are off to the lake for a long weekend of sun, and fun. Wishing you all a happy and safe 4th. of July!

Thursday, July 1, 2010


My daughter is terrible at keeping secrets. The second she has one she has to spill it to someone, anyone. It's almost comical and we've learned to only tell Grace things that we don't mind other people knowing..... At last night's women's group we talked about secrets. I am always amazed at the resilance people seem to have when it comes to privacy. We just about turn ourselves inside out so "nobody knows" and yet too often people do know. I was always the smiling mom, with three kids in tow, and a few extras (friends of my sons). I remember going to a parent teacher conference and having a teacher tell me as I was waiting ,"You always look so elegant". Now those of you who know me well can laugh, if you stop over, you'll find me barefoot, in old jeans, covered with dirt or paint. But when this was said to me I thought, "if you only knew what a train wreck I am on the inside". Before the meeting I was searching through a box of papers when I came across a picture of me from Alex's confirmation. I was so tired looking, bloated, I didn't even look like myself. What a difference a year can make. So getting back to secrets we all shared what we hide. One woman hides the pain from a stale marriage, and an actively using son, another hides the struggles with getting older, a tired body, hard economic times, another is hiding the fact that it bothers her that all her family and friends will be drinking around her at the lake this weekend and the list goes on. One lady brought it all in perspective for us when she said, "all the stupid stuff I did when I was drinking, I thought I was unique, but then I came to AA and when I shared other people said they had done that too" . What a gift when you connect with someone else who has been there. You are so excited to find out you are not alone. I treasure the people in the meetings because they get me. They aren't looking at me like I'm a nut job or policing me, or critizing me. They just offer up smiles, laughter, and head nodding. A place to that's a secret worth sharing.........

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Morning in the garden....


by Emily Dickinson

I'll tell you how the sun rose, --
A ribbon at a time.
The steeples swam in amethyst,
The news like squirrels ran.

The hill untied their bonnets,
The bobolinks begun.
Then I said softly to myself,
"That must have been the sun!"

But how he set, I know not.
There seemed a purple stile
Which little yellow boys and girls
Were climbing all the while

Till when they reached the other side,
A dominie in gray
Put gently up the evening bars, --
And led the flock away.

I was fortunate enough to have a few extra minutes before I had to get ready for work. I stepped into my oldest son's flip flops ( a little big but they did the job) quietly opened the door as bodies were still in slumber and headed out to the gardens. It was very cool this morning temp. wise and the dew was thick upon the grass. The birds had been up for a few hours and were deep in song, you can smell the earth in the morning, still fresh before the sun dries the scent. As I took in the loveliness of the flowers, and inspected a rose bush which is finally going to bloom I had the thought that wouldn't it be wonderful to stay in this moment all day long?! It would be so easy to be in God's will if it was quiet and cool, with no pressures just the song of the birds. I could be unselfish, and set my ego aside (along with my agenda) if this was my environment. I could be very productive at work if my desk sat among the flowers, and I wouldn't need a radio because the bees would hum to me....morning is a special time. It ranks up there with a full moon late at night. I love the stillness, the unblemished day, before life comes in and makes it all messy, and hot. But that's what I used to let alcohol do for me. Take me out of the mess, and put me in a comfortable numbness. But then if I were still drinking I wouldn't be up so early and enjoying the morning. It's like being in the garden of good and evil when you are drinking. You feel good, but ironically alcohol is stealing precious moments of your life away. So it is without reluctance that I choose to be clean and sober, it's a must. A must to have a rich and fulfilled life. A must to be able to enjoy all life has to offer, especially the mornings......

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Now where did I put that toolbox...........?!

I have an ailment. I noticed it a few years back. It happens a lot between Halloween and Christmas. I can't remember where I put things! A perfect example of this is when I decorate for fall or Christmas. I will take down an object from the wall, place it in a logical place to retrieve after the holidays are over and when that time comes, I can't find it! This of course drives me nuts as I know the place I chose was logical, and I should be able to find it, and it also makes my famly think that I'm crazier than they even realized! Maddening I tell you! Well it seems I've forgotten something else these last few days and that would be my "tools for living" toolbox from AA. Yesterday I really needed it! Boy was I a _ _ _ ch! I wanted to be in control, I wanted everything to go my way, according to my plan, and I didn't want any lip from anyone. I mean really I can't understand why Grace and Sam were irritated when I dragged them away from their friends and made them get haircuts. And the attitude I got when my oldest had friends over and I told him to cut the lawn! (LOL) And then the house, the house! It's like they were all an auto pilot yesterday! I came home from working all day and spent 30 minutes just picking up the house so I could think....The nerve of these people! Don't they know I'm tired?! That I need some help here?! It was at this point that my phone rang. Noticing that it was my sponsor I picked it up.....and you know how you feel when God sends you a "kick in the pants"?! She was having a tough day. Her grandson that she raises had his cell phone stolen and she didn't have the $50.00 deductible to pay for a new one, she went to her storage locker in the apartment building she lives in and found that someone had stolen almost all her stuff....and the list went on. But she was laughing and upbeat saying "this too shall pass", and then she asked how I was doing, and I managed to croak out a very small "fine". Boy that phone call was a big spoonful of humility. After I hung up with her I marched upstairs and dropped my knees to the hardwood floor and prayed, and thanked God for giving me just what I need. A good swift kick in the pants. It was then that I spied my tool box, it was right where I had left it, next to pride, ego, pity etc... So finished talking with HP and hauled my butt downstairs, apologized to my children for being such a control freak, made a nice dinner, spent some time in my yard, and resolved to try to remember where I put things in the future. As a reminder the morning started a little crazy, my husband thinks the alternator is going on his car, so I needed to leave mine since Sam had an ortho appt. and swimming lessons... so I called my dad and asked to borrow his Yukon, he said of course, then on the way to work my "no leak" coffee thermos leaked flavored creamer all over my lunch cooler. So I spent five or more minutes cleaning that sticky mess up, but I probably needed to give the cooler a good cleaning anyway. Now my husband just called and said that he thinks the refrigerator is I'm off to grab my toolbox, and this time I know right where I put it.......

Monday, June 28, 2010

A quick shout out....

A quick shout out for our oldest son Alex who appeared in the special section of "Academic Excellence" that was published in our town's newspaper. He was listed in the freshman honor role. This means a great deal to us because Al is Dyslexic and struggled with grades for many years until diagnosed. He has gone through a lot of tutoring and did this all on his own. We did not push him as he went into high school. He took the initiative and worked really hard to get these good grades. I enjoyed seeing the smile on his face, as I cut the article out and hung it on the frig. God is good!!!!!

The right time.....

Being an alcoholic comes with many unique traits. One is a creative mind and a drive. My daughter has been after me for weeks to "redo" her room. I on the other hand just did this room three years ago, and the special paint job took hours, I was not ready to cover all that up. So we struck a deal, I said we could get new bedding and curtains and I would find a way to "update" using things we had. I came home from a wet and buggy weekend at the cottage (Friday night it rained 7 1/2 inches) and started the project. With a couple of paint tricks, and refurbished accessories her room looks brand new and so cool. I love decorating and helping my daughter express herself. Sometimes just arranging the furniture in a new pattern and moving accessories can make a room feel like new. But with alcoholism also comes a trait that isn't too good, and that's impatience to wait for something. I work in the world of transportation. Myself and another person run our companies truck leasing company. We also oversee six other plants across the country. So yes, I deal with semi's, drivers, the DOT, and numerous state rules and regulations. Of course for those who know me this is not my ideal job. That would be a bookstore or greenhouse but it's a good company to work for, and the healthy insurance is excellent. I knew one of the men that drives for us is a recovering alcoholic and has been for many years. Since I entered AA I wanted to talk to this individual but there's never a right time. Too many people in the other offices, suppliers picking up or delivering etc. and I don't do well with waiting. I usually want everything yesterday, but this time I knew enough to let it go, and the other day the timing was right....This individual came into my office, took a seat and started visiting with me, the outer office area was quiet, no other drivers in sight, dispatch was at lunch and my partner was gone. I got up the courage to tell this person of my recovery and then ask him about his. It was so interesting. This person told me his story and his moment of clarity. He told me that night came when he was so drunk at a Christmas party that he completely humiliated himself and his wife. She didn't speak on the way home, or when they got home, but he said the hurt he saw in her eyes, changed everything. He went to his first AA meeting the next day. I asked him what advice he had or what worked for him. "Keeping it simple, keep busy, don't isolate yourself, be grateful each day, do his will not yours and stay in the 24 hours that you are in". We talked for a few more minutes and then he had to hit the road, but before he left he said,"when I get the chance I'll stop in and we can chat some more". I said I would like that and he went on his way. I reflected on his advice, and then got back to work, realizing that the time was right for our conversation to take place. I have some sobriety under my belt and can better understand the program and myself than I could a few months ago. I need to wait, for people, places, and things. Just another example of why "his timing" is always right....