Morning surprise.........

The alarm went off and after I dragged my body out of bed, I realized it's Friday. I don't know why Friday holds so much hope as a day of the week. Maybe it's because you know you don't have to set the alarm tonight, you can stay up late and not worry about the consequences, or that two whole days are just yours to do what you want (not always but most of the time). Whatever the reason I tend to move a little quicker on Friday mornings. I came downstairs, walked into the kitchen, and there on the table was a surprise for me. My husband had built me a brand new windowbox. It's beautiful. Red cedar and smells so wonderful. This particular box will replace the one that used to hang under the large kitchen window. I love this box. It hangs outside the kitchen and faces south so the flowers grow crazy in the sun. At times they even trail to the ground. You can sit at the table and hear the soft buzzing of the bees, and smell the sweetness of the flowers that the breeze carries through the screen. I can't wait to hang it, and fill it with gorgeous flowers. When my daughter was born, we built another box for her window so she can open her blinds and be greeted by happy flowers. I am most contented when I'm working out in the sun, in the gardens, being sung to by happy bees, and entertained by butterflies. Yes, to me the closest thing to heaven is a beautiful garden. I am so grateful to have such a pretty city yard, filled with flowers and plants. Not that it isn't a lot of work, but for my alcoholic mind it channels that energy and restores peace. I have a few projects I'm working on: an old door, an old chair etc.. and I plan on placing these in my gardens. I also noticed that I could do some more weeding, so since the weather is suppose to be sunny and in the 60's I have my weekend plans.
It's funny how coming to sobriety has made my life so much more simplistic. The caos of "life" pops up, rocks the boat a little but sooner than later is disappears. The house will be quiet unless my oldest son has friends over, but the most I hear is just the beat of rock music coming from his room. I'm working through my fourth step. Resentments isn't coming so easy. Any suggestions? I have a few, but am afraid I might be missing some by not knowing what I'm looking for. I mean I've accidentally dug out perrennials by not paying attention so I'm sure I could miss this as well. I'm viewing resentments as things I have chewed over and over in my mind. It's funny how long ago some of those happened. I like the fact that in sobriety you can step back and take a good look at yourself. With some of the things I see, I have to laugh or I would be overwhelmed. What a pain in the _ss I was. But what a joy to take note of it so I don't repeat that behavior again. Sobiety is a lot like gardening, there's beauty there but also a lot of weeds, some plants need to be moved, others nutured, and others removed entirely. What a big job this is, but so is gardening, and I know when all is said and done the rewards can be amazing....

Off Balance......

Thursday and I'm a bit off balance. Not feeling the best and this is a week that has brought mixed experiences and feelings. I attended an all day seminar that I had completely forgotten about. This required that I make arrangements to get the kids to and from school at the last minute. Then I find out that another blogger has decided to call it quits. This makes me sad, as I value all the bloggers I've come to know. But I understand.So while I'm feeling blue my sponsor calls and she has an infection in her left eye that has now settled into her cheek. She's not allowed to work or be in contact with other humans until she gets the clear from the Doctor. So we won't be working together Friday night. My husband is heading up north, and my daughter is staying with my mother. My schedule has been flipped upside down and backwards. Living life on life's terms. Hmmmm.....I like my schedule, my routine. Like discipline I enjoy the familiarity of a routine. It makes me feel secure, I know what to expect. This is funny since my husband said to me the other day, "I got used to the person you used to be". Ahhhh, so did I. Perhaps that's why I cling to routine, it's something that gives me assurance when new sobriety has me spinning in all directions. And yet part of me says I need to step out of my comfort zone. I need to go with the flow. I've found some of my old habits creeping up on me this week. Irritability, impatience, exhaustion and hunger. So today I will go home, exercise, eat and head to a meeting. If it's one thing I can count on, it's the fact that I will get strength, hope and encouragment from my fellow AA peeps. My higher power doesn't change either, he is always their for strength. And if I really think about it the only thing that can be adjusted is my reaction. I don't have to slip back into my old ways just becuase I'm out of sorts. This is life, I need to learn to accept life on life's terms. Do I always like it? NO!!!!! am I willing to try something thaat works, so I will stand up a little taller, straighten up my posture, and ask God to guide me. Grateful to be sober today......

The Big, Bad Wolf.......

This used to be an almost daily sight to me. I always had wine on hand. I loved the elegance of holding a glass of wine. It made me feel pretty, smart, sophisticated, and I knew the rich dark liquid that it held would make me feel even prettier, smarter, and more sophisticated. LIE I stopped by parent's house on the way home last night to say "HI" and visit with their darling doggy, and my mother brought up the subject that Diane Sawyer had just done a report on the rise of alcoholism in wine drinkers. I could totally understand why. I mean let's face it in every magazine, TV adds, TV shows, wine has become the new standard. You get the message that you are hip, successful, and have arrived if you meet your friends out for a glass of wine. (I never got the "a" glass part right) I mean how easily accessible. You can hit Target or even Walgreens, pick up what you need, and grab a bottle of wine as you are headed out the door. At our Walgreen's the wine is located right across from the pain reliever section. (rather ironic I believe) I do not blame our culture for my alcoholism, no one ever forced it down my throat, but in some ways it reminds me of Little Red Riding Hood. Just like the big bad wolf dressed up like grandma, that fabulous glass of wine isn't going to tell you that it's contents are cunning, baffling, and powerful. It will wait until it lures you in and then it will feed your head with all the things you want to hear. I know, I was seduced by wine for many years. I know people who still are, and I see people being sucked in on a daily basis. It's like an oderless gas, you can't tell when it's around but it will kill you.

That's the seriousness of the disease. We can laugh, make little jokes, remember a time when we did something totally crazy (although it wasn't crazy at the time) but the true nature of the beast is destruction. I hear about alcoholics whose children are alcoholics, or how they have watched a love one die to alcoholism, or how all their siblings are also alcholics. It just keeps seeping, quietly creeping in and around our lives. So how do you beat this? How do you keep one step ahead of the game? With discipline. When I first heard about discipline in a meeting I thought they were referring to just 'not drinking'. It wasn't until later that I realized alcoholics need discipline in all they do. I need it for my daily meditation with God, my constant interaction with mankind, making meetings, working the steps, turning my will over to God, being accountable for my actions and choices. Discipline can help us stay focused, it gives us a guideline for living. I never realized how out of control and undisciplined I was before I came to the program. Discipline also makes me take care of myself and if I do these things it gives me a very priceless gift in return: the ability to live a life without alcohol. I no longer fear the "big, bad, Wolf" I'm not waiting to get suckered in any more. I no longer have to see the big teeth, or ears, or eyes of alcohol to be aware of the dangers I'm messing with. I can look at a glass of red wine and no that it's promises are lies, and haven't I spent enough time lying to myself .......

Looking Truth straight in the eye....

At Saturday morning's AA meeting a woman talked about her "euphoria" with alcohol and drugs. She's been using both on and off since she was 17. She came to AA because her husband said if she didn't he would divorce her. She's been sober off and on for about two years. Her face says it all, she looks tormented. She was explaining her love for alcohol and drugs and then went on to say ,"I don't care, I've stopped drinking and using and I'm miserable. I hate how I feel. I need to do a fourth and fifth step, maybe I'll find happiness. I don't know how you all can sit here and say you're happy because I'm not. I was such a high achiever, a great mother, a high functioning alcoholic. And every day I miss it!" I went home and was pondering this testimony when it dawned on me what she was really missing was truth. One of the first things my sponsor told me was to be truthful. Have courage and look truth straight in the eye because it will make the journey possible. Alcohol lies to us, makes us think we are high functioning people when in reality we are out of control. I told myself the same thing, "I'm a great mother" sure I could provide for all their needs, but I never gave of myself. Now my children get my full attention, I listen to their stories, laugh with them, empathize with them and give them what they need the most: ME! They now see a human mother, one who has faults, makes mistakes, and yet loves, and laughs, and gives. I was so glad this lady spoke because it allowed me to see all the things that I used to tell myself. All the little deceptions that alcohol used to whisper in my ear. I now know that alcohol has nothing to do with truth. It's a wasteland that just destoys all it holds captive.

Saturday evening my friend and fellow AA told his story. We share a special bond because he was the person who answered the hotline the day I called. He is always very encouraging to me and others. My husband attended this event with me. He was pretty quiet on the way home, and before I would have picked at him until he finally told me what was on his mind. Now I let him tell me when he wants to. I'm not feeling the need to micromanage so much these days. I thanked him for coming and he said I was welcome. Later when we went to bed he revealed his fears, his worries, and the fact that I was changing so fast that he couldn't process it all. I said "That's OK I can't process it fast enough myself". It was wonderful to talk, to be truthful with one another. Sunday brought sunshine, and friends for dinner. My best friend and I took a long walk together and talked and our children played until dark. It was a good day. Tonight I begin work on the fourth step. My sponsor told me not to fear it, not to beat myself up with shame and guilt. Just take out the skeletons, take a look at them, and see what you can learn from them. I'm ready, even though the change is coming at a fast pace, my HP, my sponsor, the program and my peeps are all there to see me through. Change is good, change is truth, and for once change is right on time......