Rights of Passage, A New Love, and Digging In

I never realized the right of passage would be different to the opposite sex. As girls it really didn't matter that much about getting our temporary license. I mean all we needed was one girl to have her license and we would pile in the car and head off on the latest boy chase. I loved witnessesing the shy smile on my oldest son's face as they handed him his plastic laminated temp. license. Of course his buddies were disappointed that he wasn't driving when we came to get them, and I'm sure a certain girl was texted the moment he had it in his hand even if he swears they are "just friends". I have seen how he looks at this "friend" when she's at our house, and I remember having those "friends" that make your stomach flop when you see them. After we left the DMV we decided to have some lunch at a Thai restaurant. The food was very good. Nothing better than fresh Basil, when all of a sudden my new love showed up. He's small, round, and rich. Rich as in chocolate!! May I introduce "Fudge Lava Indulgence"! This was the best Lava cake I have ever seen. My son and I split the dessert. It was warm, the chocolate gently flowed out of a rich decadent cake. On the side was an expresso mousse and a dollop of whip cream. I tell you I never thought I could find something to replace a great glass of wine but I'm onto something. It was the first time I really enjoyed the luxury of an incredible dessert. I was always too many cocktails in by dessert time to taste anything. But this was an experience for the taste buds. I leaned back and sighed. Totally satisfied. It's amazing when your sober how heightened your senses become. You become alive to every sensation. The weather has been damp and rainy for the last four days and yesterday when I caught my reflection in the mirror I noticed how rosy and moist my cheeks looked. I laid my hand on my face and they were cool and sticky from the heavy mist. I love the sensation of life. After all the children were dispersed to various places my sponsor came over and we "got to work". Working through the first step. Three and a half hours and a pot of Starbucks Expresso later we completed what we set out to accomplish for this particular session. I remembered things that I have buried so deep that I didn't think they could possibly surface. I now know that you couldn't do this alone. Just having my sponsor present makes digging up the past less painful. We laughed, we cried, I worked through the first step in my workbook, and I let some things go that I have been chewing on for years. I felt lighter, calmer, and content when she left. I felt like bouncing around the rooms, but duty called and I had to pick up my two youngest childen from the play date they were having. As I was grabbing the keys to head out the door, the dog stretched and yawned and I had to agree, it was a wonderful, wonderful day!

Meat and Potatoes.....

Today I'm taking a half-day of work. I have a million errands to run and my oldest wants to go to the DMV and get his temps. As I was handing him the note to excuse him from school, he says, "This is great, then I can drive the car back to school to pick up the guys". In a split second eight set of lights and four insane intersections flashed through my mind, I looked back at him and said,"We'll start with a vacant parking lot!" This wanting to jump right in is a gene of mine that he has inherited. I always want the "meat and potatoes" first. Even in college I couldn't wait to have my basic studies done so I could get to the main courses. Skip the hors 'doevres and give me the full platter! With AA doing the basics is a good thing. Laying the ground work. Of course with my personality if there was a way to do all twelve steps in a day I would! My sponsor has zoomed in on this little impatient flaw of mine and we have worked together to get me at more "meatier" meetings. A few larger ones on the weekends but also a few more intimate ones during the week. Last night I got to sit at the big person's table and sample what the veteran AA's dish out. This meeting is small, ran the old way, someone reads a passage out of the big book and each person gives up their thoughts and reflections on the particular verse. Wow! I was in hog heaven! The stories, the revelations, the confessions, it was so moving, so educational for a newbie like me. I came away with a full stomach! Completely satisfied. When the meeting ended my sponsor leaned over and said,"Doesn't it make a difference when you sit at the big table?" yes, it made me appreciate for once what the basics can do. They get you ready for big stuff. These people have worked hard to get where they are in their sobriety. They have built a solid foundation. I need to build my foundation. I want a brick house so when the big bad wolf comes a calling he won't be able to "blow my house down". Tonight my sponsor and I start working the basics. For once I'm happy not to be the first one "running and jumping off the dock". Good things do come to those who wait. It's in God's timing not mine. And speaking of good things, did I mention to get to the DMV you have to drive past Barnes and Noble? Talk about good things...the smell of coffee and books together sends me over the top and I just printed off a 10% membership coupon....hmmmmm...it would be a shame to waste that.....just may have to stop in and take a look.....

"I'll just have my usual........"

Yesterday after I managed to pick up all my children plus an extra from various places we stopped at the Mint Cafe for a quick bite to eat. This is one of my favorite places to eat, my mom took me there when I was about 8 and introduced me to an awesome sandwich: the Rueben. Well we sit down and the waitress hands out the menus, takes our soda order and then my daughter hands me her menu and says,"I'll have my usual". I look over at her and reply, "You are 7, what usual do you have?" She looks at me with those blue eyes, emits a huge sigh and says,"I've been ordering the chicken strips plate since I was like four, it's my usual!" I should stop trying to outsmart a seven year old! But after my meeting I got to thinking about "the usual". I never dreamed I would ever have the usual. I should be married to someone rich who carts me all over the world and waits for my every wish to be his command. It's right around this time that my fantasy bubble gets burst with something like the dog throwing up or a fantastic crash from something the kids just knocked over. But I really did fight the idea of "the usual" almost my entire adult life. I wanted to not be the usual mom, I wore cool jeans, high heels, I was a working woman in a man's world. I could hold my own. I drank martini's with my left hand and packed lunches with my right. How "not usual" was that?! Yet, I was missing out on how wonderful my usual life is! Sometimes I feel like I've been standing across the street viewing my life from afar.
I am so grateful to have a program like AA in my life. I'm complex, I don't handle stress well, I don't handle my emotions well, let's face it I have a hard time with life on life's terms. Yet I'm fortunate enough to have been given a second chance. A chance to do things differently and not keep repeating the same unhealthy, unproductive pattern as before. Today, just getting through these 24 hours makes all the difference. My husband called and he'll be working a double shift today. I'm going to pick up some food and drop it off at his work. Today I can do something nice. He didn't ask me to do this, but I know he'll appreciate it. So I guess what I'm trying to say is "This is my life, and I'll have my usual!".....

30 days...

Today marks the first 30 days! 24 hours at a time. Those of you who know me know this is not an easy task for me. I like to do things "right now"! If I comment to my husband that we should paint the livingroom he just goes and gets the paintbrush and supplies. We've actually transformed rooms in less than 24 hours. I am so thankful that God reached out, flipped the switch, and sent me through the doors of AA. For the first time in my life, things are beginning to make sense. I've stopped watching my life from accross the street and have started participating in it. Small things like the clouds and rain today mean so much. I feel the weather today. It's gloomy, and cool and makes me want to turn soft lights on in the house and eat meatloaf and mac'n chz. like my grandma baked in the oven. It makes me thankful that I can watch the branches dripping from inside my warm house, or that I even have a window to look out of. These are sensations, like the tingling of your finger tips that I was missing out on because I was too busy trying to get to the end of a day, to drink, to get to the end of another bottle, so I could shove all the stress of life far, far, away. I may not always be comfortable with emotions, I'm not particularly fond of pain, but they don't frighten me like they did 30 days ago. For me the hardest step is three: I can turn it over but then I keep asking for it back. I want to control it. I can't but it doesn't take the "I want" out of the equation. It's like the scene from the book "The Shack" when Jesus takes Mack for a walk off the end of the dock. ( I had to laugh when he left his socks and shoes on because I would have done the same thing) You have to believe, have to trust that your HP is in control. I may struggle with this for a long time to come, but I am always reassured when someone at a meeting reads the promises :" If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are halfway through". That is my favorite line: halfway through....I can't even comprehend halfway through. My life has changed in a million tiny ways since February 10th! Tiny ways that have already had a huge impact on me. The other night we were watching "Where The Wild Things Are" and my daughter reached up and traced the outline of my face with her finger, I looked down at her and she gave me her big tooth missing smile and I wanted to preserve that moment forever. Thank you God for leading me out of the fog and into AA and into a life richer than even I could imagine......

For praying out loud!

This morning was a nightmare! My two youngest children are having "National Lutheran Schools Week" at their school. This is a fun week planned with lots of events. Today was "crazy hair day" and "silly socks". Last night they picked out their silly socks and we had planned to get up early to create the "crazy hair". Well that would have worked if I hadn't fallen back to sleep! We were moving. I was trying to do my hair and makeup and color one child's hair red and put blue streaks in the other. The dye was flying everywhere. On the floor, on the counter and when I looked in the mirror apparently on my face! Everyone was racing to get out the door, then of course I hit every red light, and slow driver. So after the last passengers were dropped at school I headed for work. Completely frazzled. Now before I would have consoled myself by the thought that I would be able to unwind tonight with some drinks. That is no longer an option. So I started to pray. And pray out loud. I said the Serenity Prayer for starters, then I proceeded to pray to God out loud all the way down Grand Avenue. I didn't care what I looked like. By the time I crossed the bridge by the dam I was feeling much calmer. Ready to start the day. Before a morning like that would have dictated my mood for the day. It would have been rotten. Things would have gone wrong all day. AA has taught me to constantly realign my thinking. A lot of stuff can happen in 24 hours, and that's a long time to be negative. "Stinkin Thinkin" I now know that I can have many moods all day long. Happy, sad, funny, thoughtful, productive, learning etc. they can all work together. I no longer have to be captive to my controlling mind. There are other ways of dealing with life. And one of the most important ways of dealing with life is not going it alone. Reach out to your Higher Power, a fellow AA member, a meeting, your family, friends, pet etc. Share the burden, it makes it a much lighter load to carry......

Walking the Walk....

I've had a cold for the past few days. The kind that fills your head up with goo and makes you feel like you're walking on the bottom of an ocean. So I haven't felt like being on the computer. Today is better. I love catching up on other blogs. To me it's like having a mini meeting at work. Friday night my sponsor and I had a great talk. She is such an awesome woman with so much to share. I am so glad we can "journey" together. She brought up stepping out of the comfort zone. I was liking my 5:30 meeting time, and was a little off balance last week with having to switch my meetings around. This lead us to the topic of those that can "talk the talk", and those that actually "walk the walk". Not everyone walks the walk. I see it in a lot of people that have gone through the twelve steps, stayed sober a period of time and have now stopped growing. I didn't notice it before but now it's pretty clear. Many people at the 5:30 meetings have stopped growing. They are in the car but not driving. The lady who heads the meeting on Sunday's said, "It was scary but like the big book says, I was ready to drive, to live life on life's terms". I have a great life, I've just been looking at it from afar the last few years. I now want to jump in and participate. I am filled with gratitude that God didn't give up on me, that he threw me a rope to grab onto, gave me a program to implement into my life. Put awesome people to guide me, to support me, and showed me how much my family and friends love me! Keeping it "simple" the first year will be hard on me. Heck, keeping it simple for 24 hours at a time is hard for me, but I realize that I have a personal goal, something just for myself, and that is to be someone who doesn't just "talk the talk", but someone who actually "walks the walk" every 24 hours at a time!.....