Friday, December 31, 2010

Flash 55 Friday...

Bonne Annee

Watching the raindrops
trickle down the glass
Over the hum of
private conversations,
silverware clatter, and
muffled laughter...
You lean in and quietly
ask me the question:
"Sitting where you are
in December 2010, is it
better than where you were in
December 2009"?
I ponder this momentarily then
smile and say without reservation

What an awesome feeling. I have hated the coming of New Year's Eve in the past. I always felt unaccomplished, let down, five steps backwards than the year before. For the first time in my life I feel good. I am pleased with the year. It hasn't been easy, I've faced a lot, have a lot to still face and work on, but I am content with the progress I have made. We will be staying in New Year's Eve, having my parents over for dinner, watching the ball drop and toasting the New Year with sparkling Cider, and looking forward to whatever may lie ahead in 2011. May your New Year's Eve be merry and may your lives be showered with blessings.....

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

One Shot Wednesday...

The ride of "your" life...

Not again, I've been here before
I keep trying to unbuckle the
belt, but it doesn't unlatch
I give up and stare at the
faces around me

Looks of excitement,anticipation,
people leaning forward, ready to go
Are these people nuts? I grab the
bars around me and prepare to hang
on for dear life

A lurch and then we slowly start
to move, we begin to climb and
I close my eyes, I hate this dream
I keep having the sensation of falling
backwards as my body feels vertical

We whip around a corner and plunge
to the bottom at record speed
Screaming and laughter and my stomach
flip flopping, arms in the air,
hands waving except for my white
knuckles clutched in a death grip

How long will this last, I hate
roller coasters, I think I can open
one eye, oh no we're falling, then
back up, then around the corner, and
It's not so bad, I'm surviving, it
actually might be a little fun

We seem to be slowing down
My heart has stopped racing
I smile at the people around me
I want to yell "I made it" but
before I can the ride starts
to move again, and this time
I throw my arms into the air....

When I was ten I rode my first and only rollercoaster at Great America. I was so shook up that to this day I will not go on amusement rides. A friend asked me last week to describe my year (11 months so far) of AA and after pondering it for a minute I gave him my reply: I used to stand on the side and watch everyone on the rollercoaster, I was too scared to be on it myself. AA gave me a front row seat on the rollercoaster, and at first I was terrified, by after working the steps, trusting in my HP, and letting go, I've been able to ride it everyday, no longer gripping on tight but screaming, and waving my hands in the's so much more fun to participate rather than watch......

Monday, December 27, 2010

Winding down.......

Survived the Christmas holiday. Actually it was relaxing and very enjoyable once we had everything ready. Thursday was a bit crazy but one awesome thing that happened was that Alex went for his first check up and dressing change. The Dr. did x-rays and his toe is now beautifully aligned with the rest of his toes. He is able to put a little more pressure on the foot now and has actually gone out of the house for a few short trips here and there. So that was good news. Thursday night when I arrived at my meeting after an insane trip through Wal-Mart I was surpised to see so many people there. It's a closed meeting but so many people had the next day off, and were in town that they came. It was an awesome meeting. So many great stories shared, so much insight. I love the "rush" that comes when you get to experience an AA meeting at it's best. It just set my mood for Christmas. I was able to see an old friend of mine at Church the next day, and Christmas Eve and Christmas day were spent with my parents. Everyone was happy with their gifts and now it's a matter of eating leftovers and enjoying their (the kids) weeks off of school. So while most people go out in search of bargains the day after, I headed to the library. For once I actually got a parking spot. I'm currently reading "Dry" by Augusten Burroughs. I love to read addiction memoirs. I think because we are all so different yet all so the same. Augusten has lived a life so insane and terrible at times that it's truly amazing that he has carved out his own sobriety. He talks about his first AA meeting. How incredible it was so be in a place where you feel safe for the first time in your life. I remember that feeling, I still love that feeling. I am careful with whom I share things with, and I stick true to my convictions and avoid the gossip pit. He talks about how good those first few weeks are but little by little you watch life creeping up on him. To me this is when you really have to roll up your sleeves and get to work. It's like the maintenance part of a diet. It's make or break. My twelve steps were easy compared to daily living. As alcoholics we spend so much time not living that for us the normal functions of day to day can be overwhelming. It takes about two seconds for me to slip into an old pattern and yet my HP is so good about teaching me daily. Last week I went into a bar for the first time since I've been sober, and I had a "diet coke" with my co-workers and you know I realized I don't miss the atmosphere nor do I want it in my life. How nice is that?! We could be going out to dinner with friends on New Year's Eve but we've chosen to stay home with our kids instead. I'm ok with the ordinary, I've missed out on it for so long, that at times it seems all new to me. No one can imagine unless they've been there what a precious commodity living a normal, simple life is. It's boundless in what it gives back if you let it. A few weeks ago I was with some friends, and as we stepped from the restaurant out into the day, I said, 'Oh look the sun is coming out, doesn't that just change your outlook on the day?" It was quiet for a few moments until one of my friends said "you know you're right the sun does make things feel better!" I can't always carry the pink cloud feeling of AA with me. I've tried, and there is too much of life that gets in the way. But I can choose my attitude, even if it's a bad one, and I can choose how long I'm going to stay in that attitude, and I make a difference not only in my life but in someone else's as well. That is one awesome gift that keeps on giving......smiles.....