Sick

No 55 today :( have terrible sinus infection, cough, and body aches. Am leaving work to go home and crawl in bed. Hope you are all healthy, happy, and warm. A blessed weekend.........

Not the "ego" again!!!!

You know how annoying and irritating a fly can be? Well so can an ego! It's always popping up when you least need it. After spending a year in AA and working through the twelve steps I thought I had my little "ego" problem under control. So now I start working on my marriage and guess what the first chapter in my book is about? Taking your ego and setting it aside! I did that this past year, or wait did I just do it in some areas of my life? Ahhhh yes, that would be the right answer. I never set it aside with my partner. In fact I probably held onto it even stronger in our relationship because I was getting rid of it in so many other ares. Great, now what do I do? well I found a paragraph in my book that shed a little light on this subject:

"A good beginning is to put yourself into your partner's skin and feel what the relationship is like from that perspective. It's easy to act as if you are sure your view of things is right; the challenge is to give merit and value to the way your partner sees things. This requires seeing with his or her eyes, hearing with his or her ears, feeling what he or she feels in the very same moments and situations that you personally find challenging." from the book "Are you Roommates or Soul Mates? by Drs. Evelyn and Paul Moschetta.

Wow I never thought of doing that before. I mean when I say things, or do things, I automatically expect my husband to interpret those words and actions the way I'm thinking they are coming across. Of course I figure by now he should be able to read my mind. And let's not forget if he says something in a certain way and I take it differently than how he means it. I'm the first one to point out his flaws, his pettiness. What it boils down to is something that I learned about a year ago. It's not about me, it's not about my ego. Somewhere over the last 17 years we each drew a line in the sand and neither of us wants to cross over. It's so much easy to be territorial than it is to be kind. It takes work to see things from someone else's point of view. And how irritating to have that pesty ego back buzzing in my ear. However I know the truth in that paragraph. I need to take a look at things from my husband's point of view or I will continue to only see things from my perspective. Learning to be a "we" instead of a "me" is going to take some practice. So on that note I'm headed up to bed, to get a few extra ZZZZ's as I obviously have a lot of work to do : )

Roommate or Soul mate?

I've been thinking about the discussion my friend and I had the other night over my cake. And of course my alcoholic mind has to unravel and unravel the thread over and over. I've been avoiding the shambles of our marriage for sometime. First of all in my defense I was all ready to tackle it last year, but was told by my sponsor to just concentrate on recovery, that it wasn't going to be possible to figure myself out and work through 17 plus years of intimacy problems. She was right, I took one look at my marriage, got overwhelmed and stuck my head in the sand. Now it's time to "suck it up buttercup" and deal with it. So I took a much needed and cringing look down memory lane at one failed relationship after another and I came across a rather enlightening discovery: I don't know how to have a relationship. I have always been approval hungry so as soon as I would meet someone, I would give my heart away and then turn into whatever that person wanted. I would trade in all my ideals, never set boundaries and before I knew it, I was being left with another broken heart. So by the time I met my husband I had no clue on how to have a give/take relationship. He was so nice so I took, and have been taking ever since. Briefly early on in our relationship I let go and was truly myself, it was a wonderful time, but then the old fear of being hurt crept back in, and I started to get scared, and I started shutting and locking one door after another to my heart. I know this sounds awful but it was the only survival mechanism I knew. As you can imagine it has been a long tough road for us as a couple and add in alcoholism and it spells disaster. Near the end of my drinking we were barely able to speak to one another without a blow up. Like two strangers living in the same house, there wasn't a whole lot left. But alcoholism is a selfish disease and so is the recovery. Not that there weren't many good times over the years, and we do have three great kids, it's just we've grown apart. So I've had to do a lot of praying that my husband would wait this past year, and he has. He also got to see me complete a year of sobriety, and the dust has settled between us. There's an easiness that wasn't there before. A mutual respect that I thought was gone forever. So now begins another journey for me. To get to know the man I love, to open my heart, to learn to trust, and to become a soul mate rather than just a roommate. I'm nervous, scared, excited, and overwhelmed all at the same time. But like my program I want to take it one day at a time, my HP will be with us, and I hope you will say an extra prayer for us as well. So here goes, time to roll up my sleeves and get to work......

One year....

Today I celebrate a year of sobriety. Today is also my birthday. I can tell you waking up 42 and sober was incredible. Due to my husband's flu I slept on the couch in order to let him have the entire bed for comfort. I got up, was greeted by Grace and Sam, got ready, had breakfast at the Alano club and headed to a meeting. My sponsor had to work today so we celebrated at yesterday's meeting. The one year medallion she gave me is beautiful. Gold, with dark blue, mother of pearl. One of my fellow AA's said it was the most beautiful one he has ever seen. What a great feeling to hold the weighty coin in your hand and realize how much your life has changed in just one year. Last night I met a good friend of mine in AA for a special cake. We share a love for German Chocolate cake and this person had a very special bakery make me the most adorable small German chocolate cake I have ever seen. Beautifully decorated with a perfect number one. We sat for hours and talked, ate cake and drank decaf. One of the things we talked about is where do I go from here. I mean really the first year was easy, now I have to live what I have learned. This is scary and exciting all at once. I need to get to know my husband again. I've spent the last year finding myself, now I need to ask him how he's feeling, what he needs. I haven't been the wife he deserves for the last 17 years but for the grace of God he is still here, and it's time to make my living amends to him. I hope to sponsor someone else so I can give my experience, hope and strength to someone new. It's like the smoke has cleared and the horizon lies ahead of me, what an incredible view. A year ago I was filled with fear, despair, and anxiety, and by the end of my drinking I couldn't even feel those. I came to AA an empty vessel. Years of trying to fill a black hole with liquor had left me broken. Those first few weeks were a blur, months of hard work, tears and pain that had been buried for years. It wasn't until this past November that I began to feel peaceful. I finally understood the word serenity. My life isn't perfect, nor would I want it to be. But I am calm in the midst of the storm. My friend told me last night that I even look different physically. Gone are the black circles, the tight anxiety filled face. I now smile even with my eyes, and my laughter is genuine. It was a morning of celebration and stories at the club, but when the meeting started all I could focus on was the young man sitting across the room from me. He is 17 years old, an alcoholic/addict. To try and get the message to him, that there is so much more life in sobriety than there is in using was all I wanted to do. He reminded me of my own son, how fragile life is, how this disease does not discriminate. It hits all races, genders, ages. I am thankful for all that I have but I get reminders like this morning on a regular basis of how fast it could all disappear. I told him the best advice I got was to get a sponsor. It makes a huge difference when you have someone with experience to walk the distance with you. To guide you, to grow with you, and to tell you when it's time to fly. My sponsor told me the other night, we are almost done working together, that we can still meet and talk when we need to but not the weekly meeting that we've done for almost a year. Instantly I started to feel a little fear and panic. She must have sensed this because she leaned across the table and said, " I have to set you free. You have the wings, now I want to see if you can fly"....In my heart I know I'm ready too, I just need to take the jump, and trust as I have done that my higher power, and the program will give me enough wind to keep me afloat. I can't thank all of you fellow bloggers enough for your support, your wisdom, and the strength you've given me. You are all a very important part of my recovery. So now it's up to me, time to take a deep breath and fly.......:)