Flash 55 Friday

Last Call.....

The house is quiet
backpacks and lunch boxes line the
backdoor where they were deserted earlier.
No dog barking, no children laughing.
A beta fish moves without a sound in
his house of glass....
Where is everyone?
Gone to the lake for one last summer fling
before the leaves of autumn begin to fall.......


Mother Nature blew in a cold front, it feels like fall. We are headed to the lake, daytime kayaking, evening fires, loons calling and autumn knocking on the door. We need to pay our respects to summer before we settle into the change of seasons. Wishing you all a safe and happy Labor Day weekend.....

The ninth month, the ninth step.....

Last night my sponsor and I started working the ninth step. Making amends, looking at my motives as to why I want to make amends. To make sure those motives are pure and not just self-serving. This took a lot of truth, and on one of the person's involved, my sponsor suggested for the time being that it was best to leave this person alone, give them the time and space that they need while giving them the respect they deserve. This comes as a real revelation to someone like me. I have spent my whole life apologizing for things I have not done, just to "save the peace" or to move on. This is a frequent habit of mine with my husband. Numerous time I have apologized for things I have nothing to do with, just so there wouldn't be any bad feelings between us. My sponsor pointed out that feelings don't and won't always be happy. Alcoholics don't just avoid sadness, we avoid uncomfortableness, happiness, anger, frustration, confusion etc. you name it we can escape it. She suggested that I start working and living my feelings. If I'm angry be angry til it passes, if I'm happy, be happy, if I'm uncomfortable do not apologize for something I have no part in. This is a tough concept for me. I'm the fixer who now has to take a step back, move out of my HP's way and let things unfold for themselves. Part of doing the ninth step is to make myself feel better. To make a true amends, not a "quick fix". To my husband and children a living amends. I so desperately want to get this over with, sort of detour the feelings I need to work through. This is when I need to really lean on my HP, my sponsor and my program. We had a long session, which is probably just what I needed. Sometimes the amends can come in the form of just choosing a different reaction, behavior. Choosing not to repeat the behavior that didn't work. It doesn't have to be overly complicated or drawn out but it has to have a sincere motive behind it. As usual I was tired but happy when my sponsor left. Alex survived his first day of sophomore year. Was glad to see so many of his friends from last year, and was busy with homework last night. So all in all a good day. Different year, different choices.....it's a good thing......

Simple pleasures......

The last day of August. Heat and humidity are hanging in the air like white gauze veil, and storms are lurking on the horizon. Alex starts his sophomore year tomorrow. He joined the "Publishing Lab" at school (newspaper)and we mailed in his application for the leadership course. I am proud that he's getting out of his comfort zone and joining things that will expose him to many people and experiences. He is also taking art this year, a natural talent of his but we had to wait for him to appreciate his talents and want to develope them on his own. You know as a parent when you say something it's not as important as when they discover it on their own.lol I'm enjoying this new work schedule. I like being in the office before everyone else and before I know it it's almost time to leave. I've been able to work with my daughter on areas that she has difficulties, and the general atmosphere of the house seems to be so much more relaxed. None of this would have been possible without my higher power and the program of AA. This program has taught me to change my attitude at the drop of a hat, to adjust as needed throughout the day. Last night on my way to the Monday night AA meeting, I received a phone call from one of our other plants saying one of our semi's was being held at the Canadian border and we were in danger of loosing thousands of dollars if they wouldn't let us cross into Canada. I whipped the car around and headed to the office to fax documentation and get out driver across the border. Before this would have disrupted my evening but believe it or not I'm learning to take things in stride. A phone call a few minutes later confirmed that our driver was able to cross and I closed my eyes and gave thanks to my higher power for giving me the ability to deal with this situation. I took advantage of being able to spend some extra time with the kids. Today was quiet, we worked on homework, Alex and I made dinner, my parents stopped by with my mom's best friend so we can say good-bye to her (she summer's in Wisconsin and winter's in Alabama). Showers, stories, goodnight kisses, just the simple things in life and yet I feel so grateful and content. To anyone who has struggled with the daily duties of life this is monumental. It reassures me that my program is at work. Softly, daily, one 24 hours at a time......contented sigh :)

A beautiful night

Saturday was great! Alex's birthday celebration was so much fun. The weather was warm but by evening it had cooled down and we were blessed with a breeze. However that breeze was a menace when it came to the candels which kept blowing out before he was able to blow them out. Sweet sixteen! I can hardly believe it. Friday evening he and I went shopping for school clothes. His shoes are huge, his waist barely visible. This is a rather difficult mission, as he hates clothes shopping but we managed to get quite a bit done and afterwards were able to have dinner, just he and I. He was full of stories, and laughter and questions. It's such a rare moment when a teenager gives you a glimps of their soul. Saturday morning he was up early, helping me prepare the nights dinner. It's fun to cook side by side. My sponsor and I had agreed to meet Saturday morning, and I was feeling the anxiety I haven't felt for a long time. For a split second what flashed through my mind was "boy, I could use a drink today", and I was like "say what?!" where did that come from. I knew I needed God and my sponsor right then and there. We met and I explained what was on my mind. My husband and I had been arguing the day before, I was feeling anxiety at all the things I needed to do before our guests got there, and on and on. She finally looked at me and said, "You are so busy with your tunnel vision that you're going to miss out on Alex's special day. Do what you can, don't be responsible for everything, ask for help and don't get so wrapped up in the doing that you miss out in the celebrating". Afterwards we went to the 11:00 meeting and I came home in a completely different frame of mind. I did what I could, I had help come over early and assist me in preparing snacks and setting up. We ate outside in the soft evening light. I put on the twinkle lights that run through the gardens. As darkness descended I was able to drink in my surroundings. Children laughing and eating Oreo blizzard birthday cake. My oldest smiling shyly, handsome, and just trying to be comfortable in his own skin. My bestie and her husband, my parents and my mother's best friend. Three dogs waiting for somebody to drop table scraps and a perfect summer night. Thanks to my HP and sponsor I didn't miss it. Realign my thinking, realign my attitude, and because of my HP, my sponsor, and my program, instead of regret I get to be filled with gratitude! A blessed Monday to you all......