Friday, July 23, 2010

Flash 55 Friday


Oppressive heat
leaving sweat beads
along my neck.
My leaden filled eyes
drop shut as my head
indents the pillow.
Faintly a crack of
thunder, your voice
fading in the distance.
A quiet blackness
spreads over my limbs
like a blanket.
"Just a few minutes more",
I murmur.
Waking much later to dripping
trees and sunshine.

Tuesday afternoon I beat a storm home. I was running on a few hours of sleep and I was talking to my son as I just laid down for a "minute"....I woke up an hour and a half later and found that I had slept through a very bad storm. High winds, hail, and lots of thunder and lightening. I guess when tired a person can really sleep through anything.......

Thursday, July 22, 2010

And I did it all without a ........

Sometimes at meetings I contribute, sometimes I don't. I contribute by listening. Contribute to my sobriety that is by listening to those who have gone before. At a meeting the other night people were talking about what they had survived. One man who I shall call P had survived 6 surgeries in 6 months. He is battling kidney issues right now, is in and out of the hospital, but he's always at the meetings. He talked a bit about all that he had survived. Numerous health problems, some of which are still present, relationships both good and bad, financial hell and back, and through it all you can see in eyes the quiet peace he has found through the program. He ended by saying, "I survived it all without a drink". Another lady spoke of her troubles: a month in a mental hospital, a divorce, bankruptcy, loss of job, raising two kids on her own, and she too ended with , "I survived it all without a drink". To the average person this is no big deal. What's so big about not having to take a drink? But to those of us who have the disease or have been touched by those with the disease, this is no easy task. Alcohol was my side kick. If I had a bad day, alcohol would make it better, if I was having financial problems, alcohol could make those disappear. If I was happy, mad, confused, disappointed, guilty or full of shame, alcohol would take it all away. You get to the point where it becomes the catalyst to everything you do. You can't imagine your world without it. And you will fight, justify and protect it at all costs, because the really sick part of the disease is when it convinces you that you can't live without it. You won't last a day without a drink. When I was talking to my coworker about her son I kept thinking, "If only I could make him understand that you will laugh, you will have fun, you will survive without alcohol". Getting over that first step: Admitting that you are powerless over alcohol. It's not such a voluntary act when your mind convinces you and your body that you will die without it. In the end drinking was a daily habit, like brushing my teeth. It was just another part of my day. I didn't know how I was going to give it up. Until I tried, and trusted, and cried, and laughed, and realized that it was not blood, it was not oxygen, it was not needed to live a rich and fulfilling life.(AA Promises) But it takes time, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but always if you work for it...........

Wednesday, July 21, 2010


I made it home yesterday before the black sky opened and unleashed it's wrath. I was glad all my blessings were safe in the house, and the last thing I remember is conversing with my oldest. The next time I opened my eyes it was sunny and water was dripping outside the windows. I had slept for an hour and a half, through a wind whipping, lightening/thunder, hail thunderstorm. Lost of trees down, and over 4,000 people without power, cable, phones. And I slept through it. So to redeem myself I went grocery shopping and made a big pan of lazagna. My children forgave me for sleeping through the storm. My body needed it and the one thing about loosing sleep is you never get it back. So I have nothing earth shattering to contribute today. Going to the library after work tonight (never made it yesterday) then home to eat the yummy leftovers. After that nothing. I will relax, meditate, and be grateful to my higher power for downtime. I have decided no more justifying when I don't feel like doing anything. Hope you are all having a good "hump day"........

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Everybody has their own plate of.......

I have found my home group. Monday night's are awesome. I like the people, I like the format, I love the discussion. We also had two anniversaries, two months and one year. You know what that means? CAKE! really good cake too, but I wasn't paying attention and drank way too much coffee, and was up until 3:00 with caffeine withdrawal. So 2 1/2 hours of sleep is not doing me justice today. I'm taking the afternoon off for a haircut, grocery shopping and the library. I know, I know, you are all just jealous of my glamorous life :) Last night as I came home, feeling all the good feelings of a great meeting my daughter met me at the fence gate with the news that my coworker had been to the house looking for me and was crying. I headed in and my husband said, "get a hold of P as soon as you can, I don't know what's wrong but she needs you to call her". So what happens I open my phone and the last ounce of battery drains out and sends me that cute little message "good-bye". I plug it in and it didn't even have the energy to let me pull her number up. So I grabbed my son's phone, made a call to her boss, got the number and spent the next hour listening to somone's heart break. Her son is back at it again, she had checked him into a local facility to dry out, the cycle that I was afraid of is happening. He's slowly loosing everything and everybody. He's alone, afraid, and not ready. To listen to a mother sob because she can't help her son is heart wrenching. I felt helpless until I began to use what experience I had. I didn't lie when she asked if I thought that maybe he had enough. It's tough to tell a friend, that their child may or may not be near bottom. I hate the reality of this disease. It just keeps taking, and taking, with no concern for those in it's path. My friend asked me what the defining moment was for me "how or when did you know?". I had to think about it, there was a chain of events that happened that led to my going to AA but the actual defining moment had to be the day I woke up and realized that I could not endure another year like the year before. I knew that I would have either drank myself to death or chose to exit out some other way. I had never admitted that to another human being before last night. I was too scared to admitt that I was in that much depression and despair. Thank God, my God did not let that happen. He led me through the doors of AA. I finally faced a truth that had been scaring me to death. We talked some more about Al-Anon, talking to someone, taking care of herself least to the point where she was more calm, and had agreed to eat something and try to get some sleep. I hung up and just wanted to throw something. I wanted alcoholism to have a real form, so I could grab it, yell at it and throw it across the room! Today we are back at work. Our tired eyes, and drawn faces revealing nights of little sleep. Trying to act normal. I remember many days last year, trying to appear normal. Not hungover, and emotionally spent. The fake smiles and laughter. Recently a friend of mine commented on a friend of hers by telling me that her friend has the "perfect life". I smiled and said, "I no longer believe that of anyone, we all have our own plate of problems, you just don't know when it's going to be served".....I gave up the elusion of perfection. I had chased that pot of gold for years. I have learned to accept imperfection, it's strangely beautiful and perfect in it's own way.....

Monday, July 19, 2010

The Summer of my miscontent.....

I get restless this time of year. If you ask my husband he will say irritable too. I'm not sure what causes it. Perhaps I know what lies ahead. A busy school year with three kids. My gardens even look anxious and restless. I feel change a coming and yet I feel nothing changing. My son and I were talking the other night while we were making dinner and I said to him, "you know sometimes I would like to sell the house, simplify, move and start in a whole new fresh atmosphere". This came as a little shocking to Alex. "Really mom?" to which I replied, "yes, really". I would love to pay off debt, get rid of so much stuff we don't need, and live simply, and maybe start planning to travel etc.", he thought about it for a minute then said, 'I could see that". Now moving to most people is the most unappealing process possible. But lately I look around at the amount of stuff my husband and I have accumulated and really, we could do without. Of course I haven't mentioned this to my husband because I've scared him enough these past few months, but there is a restlessness in my bones. Perhaps it's because things I felt that I needed so badly in my life really aren't that important. I've learned to look at things differently. I'm tired of stuff. Stuff wears you down. Both physically and mentally. I've put this crazy notion into my God box and asked him for the answer. I wish I could explain this feeling better but I do go through it every year. This time I'm looking for an answer. I hate waiting but it's God's time not mine. So quietly (and anxiously) I wait.....