Friday, February 4, 2011

Flash 55 Friday

"Green and Gold"

Cheese curds, Cheeseheads
beer and brats
Tailgate munchies and full parking lots
Lambeau field, a legendary place
Vince Lombardi, Bart Starr,
Ray Nitschke, Reggie White
I might just run out of space
A new generation, new talented faces,
built on tradition and hallowed places
Yes it must be told....

Now did you expect me to write about anything else?! If you don't know the Green Bay Packers are playing in the SUPERBOWL! I have loved this team through good and bad, and am always proud to cheer them on. It would be great to win but I will be proud none the less of their season! It's a busy weekend, lots planned and of course the big game on Sunday. Stay warm, hope you're done shoveling, and have an awesome weekend....

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Impulse Driven

Last night while reading "Drinking a Love Story" I came across a line that I knew all too well.
"Active alcoholics have no tolerance for frustration, Zippo. We're totally impulse-driven. If we can't get what we think we need, we think we're going to die." Wow in just a few sentences she explained most of my life. I have this trait that if I think I want or need something I will obsess until I get it. I really couldn't take any form of frustration when I was actively drinking. One of the most famous lines out of my mouth used to be, "I can't handle this, I need a drink". That went for just about everything. If it was crazy at the supermarket, I went home and had a drink. If my kids were wound up and creating chaos, I had a drink. If traffic was bad, if work was demanding, if I had a fight with my husband, get the picture everything was grounds for a drink. And spending? Don't get me started. I would suddenly need this, or that, or I needed to stop at the grocerys tore for just one thing and it would turn into 50 things I didn't need. I could think of things to just waste money on. See being the "director, producer, and actor" of life requires things to run smoothly and when they didn't I couldn't tolerate any form of frustration so I would medicate and medicate quickly. Just think I wasted almost 25 years of my life this way. It's amazing but when I speak with other alcoholics we almost always say the same thing: it wasn't the big stuff that made us stumble it was all the little things that could topple us. Even knowing we were alcoholics wasn't enough to make us put down the drink. We just couldn't fathom life without our blanket even though this blanket came in the form of a bottle. Think of all the late night trips we made to liquor or gas station store just a few minutes before closing to ensure that we would have our booze handy. God forbid we suffer through something without being half in the bag. My eyes were always glassy, my face swollen and puffy and I would tell myself it's just that my life is too crazy and chaotic not to drink. Little did I know I was the fuel that fired that chaos. So how do you learn to deal with life on life's terms? For me it first started with lowering my expectations. To stop imagining that everything had to be perfect. Then I started to take one day at a time, one issue at a time. This was hard, I wanted to tackle everything at once. I learned to not expect anything and I wouldn't be disappointed. Finally I just let things unfold. I've learned to wait, to let things work out on their own. It's amazing how the old "impulse driven" self begins to fall into the background. Oh it rears it's ugly head once in a while but understanding that it's one of my traits helps me keep in more perspective than I used to. Perhaps not wanting to constantly chase dreams and fill an empty hole with alcohol makes the difference. Being content with what one has makes a difference also. There are times when life will deal up something that needs a quick decision, but being impulse driven can be destructive, it's much better to be spontaneous......

Monday, January 31, 2011

Double Birthday Punch

Today my husband and middle child share a birthday. Samuel David entered this world on his father's birthday at 6:38 pm ten years ago today. After my husband cut the chord I looked at him and said, "Sorry I didn't get you a birthday card honey, but this will have to do instead". What a feeling. I was so much more relaxed the second time around. Sam was a big boy weighing in at 8lbs. 9 ounces and he was a happy content baby from the start. I remember the weather was really cold when we brought him home, something like -25 degrees but he was such a good baby that I didn't mind being stuck indoors all the time. Alex was in kindergarten all day and I was a stay at home mom at the time. He's grown up so much already. When he stands next to me he's only about a head shorter than me. Full of fourth grade knowledge and a very skilled Lego builder. My husband turns 47 today and I like teasing him that he's only three years til 50. How time flies. I try to remember my parents at this age, and it's a blurr. I just know my mom talks about what a blur her 40's and 50's were. I guess it's true that time flies faster as you get older. I've been reading Caroline Knapp's "Drinking A love Story'. I started this book early into my recovery, got sidetracked and just last week picked it up to finish it. I am glad it worked out that way as I can so relate to it so much more, having gone through the program of AA. There's a part when she talks about reaching the point where you just don't feel anymore. You are so tired, so beat up, so souless, that physical pain can't touch you. I know exactly what she is saying. I was so without feeling when I walked in. I mean don't get me wrong I had some feelings: anxiety, fear, isolation, etc... but as for emotion I felt colorless. Then of course you go through the rollercoaster ride of emotions those first few months, until you begin to walk an easier trail. Now I feel everything. I may not always like what I'm feeling but it's better than being void of everything. Friday was a crazy day and most everything that could go wrong did go wrong. I finally made it home, soaking wet thanks to the snow, ice cold feet, van full of groceries, a new mouse in tow, and a headache. I was met at the backdoor by Sam who was having a friend sleep over. No sooner did he tell me that the friend wasn't feeling well than his sister yell's that this friend had just thrown up. I sighed, set down my purse, and headed down the hallway. As I approached Sam's room I heard my daughter say, "It's OK my mom's coming, and she can fix anything". What a compliment! No I can't fix everything but I can feel everything, and I wouldn't have missed that awesome feeling she gave me for anything in the world!........