Friday, December 3, 2010

Flash 55 Friday

Bubo Virginianus

Trudging through the newly fallen snow
trying to not make a sound
The dawn barely awake
the morning washed in grey
Lost in my thoughts I fail
to hear your call
"Hoo H'hoos"
"Hoo H'hoos"
I glance up in time to see
the expanse of your wings
and fell the breeze of feathers
"Hoo H'hoos"....

While hunting the last few weeks my husband happened upon a Great Horned Owl. I love owls! Such beautful creatures. He said the morning was dark and the owl swooped close to his head, calling his lonely call. He was surpised and delighted at the same time. What a great way to start the day! Hoping you all have a warm and cozy weekend.....

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Soul Searching....

This past weekend while my mother was staying with us we watched three movies. This is big, because I can barely sit through an hour of TV before I have to get up and do something. The first was "Eat, Pray, Love". I finished reading this book back in September. I liked both the book and the movie. I have heard people criticize Elizabeth Gilbert's journey. Some say it was self centered, she only cared about herself. But I disagree. I set out to find myself this past year. I get the journey. Yes, it is self centered by the healthier I become the better off those around me seem to be getting. I can give of myself without fear, without hesitation. If that is being self centered then I am guilty. The second movie was "Julie & Julia". I've watched this movie before but once again I love the journey. My husband gave me Julia Child's "Mastering the Art of French Cooking" for Christmas last year and I must say it is a trip and I can make an awesome Beef Bourguignon. Like Julie the blogger, blogging has helped save me. It gave me another channel for my thoughts and feelings. I also read Julia Child's book about her adventures in Paris with her husband. This is when she first starts cooking, and she finds her true passion. Cooking is one of the best ways for my oldest son (who loves good food) to spend time together. In fact we will be "french cooking" on Christmas Eve. So thank you Julie and Julia, you gave me cooking and blogging. The last movie we watched was "Grey Gardens" with Jessica Lange and Drew Barrymore. This story has always intrigued me. What really struck me was the fact that these two women shared such a strange, strong, bond, that their whole world was able to fall apart and away from them and yet they really only needed each other. The human spirit is amazing in what it can endure, what it can survive. Once again in search of "soul". I am so grateful that I started my own journey one cold, dark February night. It has been painful, it has been enlightening. It has been filled with despair, laughter, tears, and contentment. Someone asked me not so long ago if I felt lucky to be an alcoholic and I said Yes! Being an alcoholic has opened my eyes to what is important, it has made me accountable, it keeps me in the moment. I laugh more, love deeper, smile a lot, but most importantly I have a soul. A soul filled with happiness, sadness, hope, love, joy, etc... and ten months ago that soul was empty. True happiness lies within my Higher Power who lives and dwells within me. I need no presents this year because I've been given the best present of all, another chance to really live......Peace

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

One Shot Wednesday.....Counting Days

As I was digging
through the box
my hand pulled out
a piece of our past

I studied it for
a while and then
slowly unrolled my

Mother had made it
so long ago. Some
of the numbers are
squished together to fit

We always hung it
on the pantry door,
eagerly awaiting
December first

I would start
anxiously pulling out
the first day
a snowman, and
hanging it on the tree

Taking turns
we never fought
and we had our favorites

The candy cane
flying santa and reindeer
glistening angel and
shimmering tree

On Christmas Eve we
hung the last day together
Baby Jesus crowned
the top

Such sweet memories
and time to make
some more
I call to the kids
and head for the
pantry door.......

This past weekend I uncovered the advent calendar of my childhood. My brother David and I loved that calendar. We did even in high school. It was always neat to watch it fill up, and finally be able to hang the baby Jesus at the top. I brought it down for my children and they can't wait for Wednesday to hang the first item. My mother made this back in 1969. It is indeed a treasure....

Monday, November 29, 2010

The unbearable heaviness of being overwhelmed.....

Sunday afternoon and my oldest and I head for Barnes and Noble. He goes one way I go another, grab a coffee, and we meet by the comfy chairs. He with an armful of contemporary art books and me with a copy of Melissa Gilbert's "Prairie Tales" - I knew from various magazine articles that Melissa is a recovering alcoholic. So I read the last five chapters of her book. I grew up watching her on "Little House on the Prairie, envied her when she dated Rob Lowe, and always liked her. I like her even more. As I read her spiral downward into final surrender there was a piece that really struck home with me: she talks about her husband being gone, her marriage hanging by a thread, being president of the Screen Actors Guild, being a mother to a pile of children, and being an alcoholic. She tells the tale of walking into her bedpost in the middle of the night. She knew she had done some damage so she heads to the bathroom to check it out. A large flap of skin is haning on her nose, but rather than wake her son to go to the hospital she slaps a bandage on it, sufferes through the night, and has her dermatologist stitch it up in the morning. She confesses that even at that point, when everything was flying out of control she would not admit that she was overwhelmed, she would not ask for help, and she would not surrender. What is it about us alcoholics that we can be so broken and yet refuse a helping hand? So many times people tried to help me, offer a hand, and I would smile and say "I've got it under control" but "thanks anyway". I never wanted anyone to know that I had a vein of weakness. I didn't want to confess that I wasn't superwoman. In other words I couldn't admit to myself that I was a flawed human being. So like Melissa I just kept plowing along. Denial has to be of the toughest laws of the universe. But then she went on to share her moment of clarity. She was up to three bottles of wine a night. She always kept her glass full so she could convince people she was still on her first glass. She had gone to the frig. was filling up her glass, and was caught by her son Michael. He confronted her about her drinking. She said she dumped the glass out, ran upstairs, and sobbed her soul out. She was so ashamed that her child knew she had a problem and she couldn't admit to it. Alex was my moment of clarity. After Grace and Sam would go to bed, I would grab the Vodka bottle and head for my glass. I would dig in the freezer for my ice,. clink, clink in the glass and start my nightly ritual. One night Alex had come upstairs to grab his books, as he was picking them up he looked at me, looked at the Vodka bottle, grabbed his books and left. At that moment a thought crossed my mind ,"whenever he hears ice clinking into a glass he will think of me and my drinking". That was it. I called AA then next day. I no longer wanted to be that souless person. I was in so deep that there wasn't any shred of light or hope visible. I was broken and I surrendered. This Thanksgiving Alex and I went and helped at the AA club, to help cook, and set up for a Thanksgiving dinner. He also attended a meeting with me, met many of the people I sit with a lot, and he heard me speak. I wasn't embarassed, or nervous, just myself. I hope he realizes what a huge part of my recovery he is. Now I recognize when I'm getting overwhelmed. I ask for help. I love my flawed and very human self and I hope you do too......