90 days and counting.....

Today I celebrate 90 days....back in January if you would have told me I wouldn't have had a drink for three months I would have thought you were crazy. It was nice to celebrate this milestone and as what happens in most meetings....how'd you do it? I did it by realizing that I never wanted to repeat a year like last year. I can honestly say last year was the worst year of my life. Oh it had plenty of great things like milestones and rights of passage for my children but for me it was a year of spiraling downhill. I was drinking heavily, overwhelmed, taking on a new job that I had no clue of how to handle, my husband was working two jobs and never home and I was drowning. In alcohol, in feelings of inadequacy, in feeling like I just wanted to disappear. By August I was about two seconds from a breakdown. I mean one day I did loose it, I just got crazy. But it still took me another six months to walk through the doors of AA. So a few days before my 41st. birthday I closed my office door and dialed the number for AA. That person on the end of the other line did not only save me he has become a friend. He gave me the courage, the nudge, the ok to walk through those doors. And I did. Boy what a wake up call. I was stunned, and I can tell you the first month was no day at the park. I began to get truthful and that is really ugly at times. The fog started to lift and there was my whole imperfect, flawed, dependent self. That perfect mother, wife, daughter, friend facade just faded away. It's like being the last person standing in a battlefield, except this time they took away your defense, your weapon, you no longer get to hide behind alcohol. This is it baby, do or die. So I got a sponsor. Someone with 21 years of sobriety. Someone I knew who would kick my ass, and not let me get away with a thing. Then I began to get a little self worth. I could deserve the good life I had, I could stop sabotaging my world. Next I got to work. Working those twelve steps. As per my usual fashion I didn't wade in I just ran and jumped in. All or nothing for me. I had to deal with an angry husband, trying to make meetings every day, juggling three children and all their different schedules, working full time etc. But I could do it because my HP would get me through it, and I didn't have alcohol numbing me anymore. My sponsor and I work every Friday night and it is for about three hours at a time. I knew I was powerless over alcohol, I already believed in God, but the third step made the difference. For once I committed to him, and gave it over. I never had control to begin with just the illusion that I did. Now I do (try to) his will not mine. I started to learn about myself. That I needed discipline. That I needed time for reflection and meditation. That it was ok to be me. And I started to like myself. Slowly my husband came on board, and I was very fortunate to have friends and family who support me all the time. I found the world of blogging, and I thank all of you for keeping me sane and focused. Your stories, your issues, your encouragement are something I can never repay and something I am so very grateful for each and every day. I ask God for his help in the morning and I thank him every night. Is my life perfect? NO, I still have a lot of the problems that I had before but now I deal with them differently. I stop the insanity and don't repeat behavior or patterns that were harmful to me before. I can accept myself flaws and all. You know your programs working when your sponsor points out to you that you have become much more calm. I didn't even realize it but the roar, the anxiety that used to race through my insides is gone. The sea is quiet. I like that. 90 days ago I couldn't imagine never taking a drink again for the rest of my life and today I can't imagine drinking even in my life.....

Flash 55 Betula Papyrifera

There you are old friend
another winter past
your posture is more bent,
your white coat a little
worse for the wear.
I'm glad to see you at your post,
guarding the point.
As the bow of the canoe drifts
across your reflected image,
I pay tribute to your loyalty,
See you soon noble birch.

You don't watch TV?!!!!!

This statement was said to me by a co-worker this morning. She was asking me if I had watched this show, and that show, and finally I told her, "No, I just don't watch much TV". You would have thought I had snakes growing out of my head the way she looked at me, and then the shocked, "You don't watch TV?! Well to be honest no, if I think about it my total TV viewing for the week is under 2 hours. If the weather is nice I'm out in my gardens after work, and then there's making supper, helping with homework, AA meetings, baths/showers, bedtime and then I like to head up and read. I'm not partial to TV. There are a few shows I find funny but I catch them when I don't have anything else to do. Not only that, it's a glorious time of year. Get outside, get a project, live life. I have nothing against TV it's just not my first choice. She left me feeling like I needed to defend myself and then I realized I was letting myself feel this way so I moved on. Actually what I did last night I wouldn't trade for anything. Wednesday 7:00 pm AA meetings are the Woman's Group. This is a small intimate group of ladies, all very special. Last night one of the member's celebrated 23 continuous years of sobriety. This lady will turn 80 in June, has numerous health problems, is on oxygen, and has one of the spunkiest, most positive attitudes I have ever known. I asked if she would share "her story" and she did. She battled sobriety off and on until in 1961 her family admitted her to a treatment center in Minnesota. She spent 90 days there and she said she can clearly remember the first time she ever read through the 12 steps. She said she was "stunned" because she had finally found a solution to her problem. She met her would be husband in treatment and they were married a year later. Those early years were tough, and for both of them it came with bouts of sobriety and bouts of "falling off the wagon". The first time she was sober for a year, then went out and did some more drinking, then AA, then she was sober for two years, then went out and did some more drinking, then back to AA. This pattern went on for many years, and she and her husband kept coming back to AA and in 1987 it finally took. They both stayed sober for good. She talked about how wonderful their marriage became, their life as a family, and how easy it was to love and be a good wife to her husband. She also talked about holding his hand as he sat in his favorite chair as he took his last breath. How one chapter ended and a new one began. He's been gone over 10 years and not a day goes by that she doesn't miss him. But her daughter and grandchildren live with her and they keep her life busy and full. All of us at the meeting were captivated as she told her life story. So peaceful, so accepting, so willing. Lessons for all of us that are priceless. The meeting ran over but none of us cared. The Lord's prayer and hugs were given all around. I wouldn't trade last night's meeting for a night of TV ever. Life is precious,and I guess I would much rather participate in mine than just being a spectator in the grandstands....

Just five minutes more......

That's what I wanted this morning...."just five minutes more"....after I hit the alarm not once but twice. Wednesday, middle of the road, for a brief fleeting thought my mind said, "Hey just call everyone in sick and stay in bed for the day". What a wonderful thought except I could hear my two youngest up talking about the "Cinco de Mayo" parties they would be having in Spanish class, and my oldest has "behind the wheel". I pulled myself up and got myself moving. Aren't there just days you want to stay in the comfort and safety of your bed?! It's quiet there, if you burrow deep enough in people can't even tell if you are in there or not. Escape. Something an alcoholic mind can really relate to. So many people say to me:"You know when I first found out you were an alcoholic I didn't believe it, I mean, I never saw you pass out, or get a DWI, and on and on...." So I listen and tell them what I feel was my biggest offense with alcohol. "I used it to escape. To escape the unrealistic goals, expectations that I had set for myself. To escape the inferior feelings of not being the best mom in the world(by my standards). To avoid the fact that many of the dreams I had when I was younger had never come true. To escape the fact that life is messy, hurtful, painful, exhausting....and on and on. I used it to keep me in my immature 17 year old mind, I avoided being an adult and all the responsibility that came with it". That was the greatest tragedy. Complete numbness, complete absence of partaking in my own life. After I say this people look at me rather funny. Like they just can't find the words to say. I get that. That's why I have meetings, and a sponsor. These people understand me. They don't judge my past, or my present. I needed it, to calm my nerves, to take away the edge of the day, to "treat myself"...I mean any excuse in the book to drink...heck I didn't even need an excuse. I wish at times I could explain to people how amazing it is to partake in your own life. It's like taking a long nap, for years, and finally you wake up. I woke up in the middle of my life. I've got a husband, three kids, a dog, a responsible job....wow all this was there. I know to someone who doesn't struggle with altering their conciousness that this could seem like a lot of dribble, but to me it's real. Even the smallest things bring joy. Last night my daughter and I went shopping for our newest neighbor: a brand new nine lb. baby boy. We had so much fun picking it out, wrapping it, and then my two youngest wanted to take it over. I was cooking so I kept an eye on them through the kitchen window as they ran over to the neighbor's, gifts in tow, so excited. They came home with their faces all flushed with excitment at seeing the new baby, and giving the gifts. The joy of living. So I guess if I really give it some thought, unless I'm very ill, the thought of staying in bed all day isn't so great, too much living to do, too much I might miss out on. Escape is no longer an option......

Similarities.....

I met with my nutritionist last night, and much to my surprise have actually lost a few pounds. Many people thought I was crazy taking on the problem of my weight while entering recovery. However the girl I see has much experience with alcoholism. She grew up with an alcoholic parent and Al-Anon has been a large portion of her life. We have a great rapport with each other, and she has seen many positive changes in me. What was really evident to me last night was that I no longer viewed my weight or eating habits as an "all or nothing" program. I have started to make healthier choices, added more physical activity into my days, and started to have a much more positive body image than I ever did in the past. Even five years ago when I lost a bunch of weight and wore a size 3 I still felt fat. No wonder I gained all the weight back and some more, I sabotaged myself. As I dug deeper in my fourth step, I noticed that this was a pattern with myself. Even when I have success, I never let myself enjoy it. Like a fear that I could be happy. But I am happy with the fact that for the first time in my life I'm getting comfortable in my body. So I have curves! I'm not tiny anymore! But it's ok, my husband doesn't seem to mind. Intimacy isn't a problem for him, but it sure was for me. I set standards I could never reach. I felt I had to look great in order to be desirable to anyone. This created a lot of distance in my marriage, and all because I set expectations I couldn't meet. As our conversation progressed we spoke about how the lessons you learn in AA cross over constantly into life. Once I began to have self worth, I started making healthy eating choices. For anyone who struggles with weight this is a big step. Stop the insanity, try something new. Before I just tried diet after unsuccessful diet. You have to change the cycle, grow, and try something new. Even my nutritionist uses the steps she learned in Al-Anon. She recently ended a relationship with someone who wasn't willing to admit that they had a problem with alcohol. She said this was very hard to do because she wanted to help the person, change them, etc. but she had to let them make this decision on their own. As tough as it was to walk away she kept saying to herself, "the courage to change the things I can"....and she was able to move on. I love the Serenity prayer, small, and yet packed with endless knowledge. I can't even imagaine my life without those three concepts. I do know that without acceptance, courage and wisdom my live would be filled with chaos, and I've lived in chaos long enough.......

Skipping town.....

As my husband and two youngest were traveling to a birthday party I called my husband on the cell phone and said, "When you get done with the party let's head up to the cottage for the night. I'll get everything ready, and don't tell the kids so we can surprise them." He agreed and they were so excited when they came home and saw the cooler, and the bags ready to go! Our fifteen year old and his best friend even graced us with their presence, leaving the world of iphone, ipods, and computers behind. We are so fortunate that my parents own a beautiful cottage only an hour and fifteen minutes from our home. They were also up their with there little dog, so it was a full happy place. The teenagers headed out on the lake, and the rest of us got busy preparing dinner. How wonderful to sit around a camp fire, the sky clear with bright stars, an owl in the distant. The loons are out, and I'm sure having babies soon, if not already. I love their long lonesome cry. It was wonderful to lay in bed and be lulled asleep by the sound of the spring "peepers". I'm used to the sounds of the city: cars, ambulances, nothing quite so peaceful. And no street lights, just darkness. Sunday morning we sat in the sun and had coffee, the older kids slept in, and our two youngest were busy making a mote for their sand castle. I was very relaxed. Then of course you have to pile back in the car, and head for reality. Laundry, weeding the gardens, getting ready for school....life on life's terms. Last week was exhausting. So many ups and downs, sadness and joy. The death of a fellow AA member, the birth of a new baby boy for our neighbor's. The cycle of life. My sponsor and I started working the fifth step. I read through my fourth, shared my lists, and when she left, felt totally spent. How wonderful to lay it all out. She said something to me that had never occured to me before. I was talking about feeling inferior to certain people in my past and current life and she said, "I want you to understand that no one can make you feel anything. You are the only one who can make yourself feel. If you felt inferior, or not good about yourself it's because you were buying into someone else's garbage". It's about your reaction, your response." This hit me like a ton of bricks. She was right. The trip down memory lane had trigured a lot of yuky feelings that I had buried for quite some time. Did you catch the "I"? Yes, it was me, letting myself get sucked in. I have a choice on how to react, how to feel, and I can say 10 out of 10 times I reacted the wrong way. Just realizing this has opened my eyes so much. It never dawned on me that I could choose to react differently. That I didn't have to feel the way that person wanted me to feel. It's my choice. I love that. It's my choice. Your life really begins to change when you realize that you can control your reactions, that you can think through something, that you don't have to make yourself a victim to someone else's agenda. I felt a lot of little doors slam close from the past, and a bigger, brighter door for the future open up........