Coffee Talk....

I had coffee last night with two friends. Actually two awesome women of God who I am blessed with having in my life. I used to meet people out for a drink, which is funny because I don't think I've ever had just one drink, more like 3 or 4. But it was so good to gain someone else's perspective. I learned so much in the hour and a half that we were together last night. I am of course struggling with what is going on with my husband. Two sets of fresh eyes and ears viewing the situation proved to be very enlightening. This is what I was enlightened upon: My husband is scared, scared that I might sober up, and maybe not want, love, or need him, he's been blown out of the water and totally taken by surprise, he had no preperation time for anything because I tend to do something "right now" with very little warning, that he himself is struggling with identity issues, that keeping our conversation limited to the kids, what's happening for the day, grades, work etc. is ok because it's what we both know, what we both have in common. This was such a huge help to me. When I was driving home, all these thoughts we shared came into focus. Things were so much clearer. Thank you ladies, I needed that. In recovery you are so focused on staying sober, being in the current 24 hours, not beating yourself up, turning everything over to your higher power etc...that you really are only seeing people through a peep hole at times. Extra eyes and ears can provide you with a much broader view. Tonight I get to go to the 5:30 meeting. I love 5:30...it's where I started. I love the familiar faces, and one of my friends leads the meeting, it's Friday and people are glad to have two days off. Then I meet with my sponsor. This time is great because we pull off layers of my mind, and discover what makes me tick. This journey is so hard to share because it's like being reborn because you are constantly discovering, and learning, and feeling each and every day. Like taking a walk with your nerves on the outside of your body. I also shared with my boss today. I have wanted to do it for a long time, but the timing had to be right. She is such a neat lady! She jumped right on board, full of support. She's going to stop by my office later so we can talk. I am always in awe and amazement at all the love and support that people give so freely. I am blessed! and I love coffee talk.....do yourself a favor and get some today!

Nurturing....

Last night I attended my first "Womens" AA meeting. There seem to be more males than females in our local chapter. Or maybe that's the way it is in other places too. So it was nice to have an all womens group. I shared some of the issues that I'm going through at home right now. Things I'm feeling and with my husband. I started feeling reassured right away by the smiles and head nodding that was happening in the room. And what I heard was:"That's normal, you changed the rules of the game, he's dealing with issues too, stop letting him be codependent on you" etc....Even though you know those things it's just great to hear them. I feel so overwhelmed at times that I just need the reassurance. Then this sweet lady says to me, "that's what we are hear for dear, to listen, to comment, but most of all to nurture you, because someone needs to." I never thought I needed nurturing?! I mean I am a mother, I do the nurturing! It never crossed my mind that I might need to lay it all down and let someone take care of me. But that's one of the greatest things about getting to AA, you get the love, care, sharing, acceptance of your peers. I went home humming along to the radio last night. Meetings can take my twisted thoughts, and smooth them out, and send me back home with a completely different attitude. I have been getting nurtured and I didn't even know it! Thank you God, my gratitude list just got longer....

Letting go......

It's interesting when you practice the same behavior for years and years, then something changes and you don't realize it. I was talking to a friend of my on the way to work today and I was sharing with her that I felt off balance this week. Due to my oldest son's schedule, my meeting times have had to change. I miss my regular group of AA. I feel a bit displaced and out of sorts. Last night my daughter had a project due for school and I had a headache so I skipped a meeting. This really through me for a loop. It didn't dawn on me till later that what I was feeling was what I wasn't feeling anymore. The pent up tension, anxiety, nervousness, was gone. I had let go, and surrendered to God. I was off balance. I haven't felt like this in years. Almost like my muscles are weak, sort of a floppy, calm feeling. I have been asking God to help me surrender. To stop trying to be in control, and somewhere within the last 48 hours he did. I didn't notice at first because alcoholics rarely thrive on peace. We function in caos. It's like being in your body for the first time. Now that I've recognized it, I kind of like it. Like when you feel better after you give a big sigh. Which is funny, because when I was making dinner last night, I did just that: a big sigh, and my son said,"What was that big sigh for?" and I said, "I don't know I just felt like it." Sometimes I'm a little slow to notice what's going on around me. And since I rarely take care of me, I didn't have a clue as to what had happened. I'm glad it did. Letting go of the constant tug of war is fruitless. Nothing ever gets done. I have tugged on that rope for years and it feels awesome to let it go, just let it rip right out of my hands and sail into nothingness. But I'm sure glad God was there to catch me. The landing was so soft I almost didn't notice.
I love the subtleness of God, sometimes he's just like a feather, softly floating in our lives and working miracles. This is a whole new beginning...to the rest of my life!

Spirituality, "Firsts", Blips in the road......and death

Due to my oldest son taking Driver's Ed., I had to switch some of my AA meeting times. I love the usual group that I attend but had to go to a different meeting last night. There were only four of us. Hmmmmm, I kept wondering how this was going to work, how could this be helpful or inspiring? As with all things God's timing is perfect. One of the people had been struggling with spirituality. They needed help. They had never known God, except for a few visits to church when they were little. They wanted to know who God was, how they could reach him, how they could feel him etc... The rest of us all gave our own thoughts on God. What was amazing is that even though they were all different, they all shared common threads. God is loving, God is forgiving, he does it in his time, you have to work at your relationship to him, trust, have faith, and just let him come in and fill you up. It was a great meeting, for just four people we filled an hour and had a very moving discussion. This person said they felt so much better, and had a better understanding of finding God. We really can be a witness to God on a daily basis. How awesome and how empty our lives would be without him. This journey for me would not be possible if he wasn't walking it every step of the way with me. Just like he attended a dinner party with Charles and myself the other night. I was nervous, it's been a long time since I've gone to a party without a little liquid encouragement beforehand. And I was fine. It was a "first" as we say in AA. Alcohol is all around us, and we have to learn to live with it. I now have a few tools in which to do that. As for blips in the road?! Well lets just say my husband and I have hit a pretty big speed bump. He's trying to sort out all his feelings and this has made him distant and very unloving towards me. As an alcoholic, I want to control and fix him right away. But I have to step back. He's an adult, he needs to reach out on his own. I am here but when he wants to talk. I can't let him be codependent anymore. This is really hard. A friend told me the other day, "Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone else is to leave them alone." I'm taking that advice. And it sucks for a yapper like me. My recovery comes first. I need to put the stick that I beat myself with away, and stop trying to recover in one day, and let God set the pace. Wow, so much to learn. On a sad note, I found out that a relative I have not seen in years has passed away. They were 43, and a terrible drug and alcohol addict. That is the seriousness of this disease. It will eventually kill you. It may be quickly or slowly but death will come. That thought scares me sober....it's a selfish disease, when you choose the bottle over your own life. Like ripples in a pond, everyone gets touched by your choice sooner or later. Give a moment of silence today for those that still suffer, it maybe someon you care about very much.....

Being 17 again!

Meeting with your sponser is great. You get to peel off the top of your head and peek in. Right now mine is a bit like alphabet soup. However my sponsor revealed something to me that was incredibly mind opening and mind blowing. My oldest child was sick on Thursday and Friday. So sick that he had to have an x-ray at urgent care due to the horrible pain he was in. We had caught it in time and the Dr. prescribed antibiotics. Friday night came and he was feeling better so I let him curl with his friends for the Silverspoon tournament. It was heavy on my mind because I knew I probably should have kept him home, but he didn't want to disappoint his friends. This I could understand. So I remarked to my sponsor that I had to pick him up and was afraid my parents were going to get after me for letting him play. My sponser then inquired if I put a lot of emphasis on what my parents, brothers, peers, bosses etc. thought about my choices. I said I did, and that I still felt like I was a little kid. We then explored when I first started drinking. It was 17 and I was escaping a bad break up. My girlfriend who was in college took me to a party and I figured out alcohol was a great way to ignore the pain and have a great time. "That's it", she said "you are caught at 17". "You still feel like a child. Even though you're grown up, have children of your own, own a home, have a good responsible job, you still feel like a teenager in your mind. You feel like you have to answer for your decisions, you can be talked down to because you don't think you are old enough to be talked to with respect". What an aha moment. It all made sense. She also pointed out that one of the reasons my 15 year old and I get along so well is that I can relate to him, I'm actually only two years older than him. Well one of our goals is to get me to my biological age this year. To find out who this 41 year old woman is and leave the 17 year old behind. It's not everyday that you find out you're seventeen but to tell the truth I'm much more anxious to be 41! Say good-bye to adolesence and hello to adulthood!