Confusion.....

At last night's "We Are Not Saints Meeting", two very young alcoholics expressed similar stories. One female, one male. I would say early twenties. I have sat at meetings with both of these individuals before, and to be honest, have heard the same stories coming from their mouths before. "I want to be sober, I want to get a job, I want to loose weight, I want, I want, I want...but then I get overwhelmed and I go out and get drunk". I could tell a few of the "old timers" had pretty much had it with both of them. The female was interrupted by her cell phone and kept checking it every few minutes until someone politely told her to shut the phone off. You could feel the tension in the air as one man with many years of sobiety spoke, "This is not a hard, or difficult program. It's actually quite simple, if you want what we have get a sponsor and start working the steps. You will have to work though. This programs requires a lot of work but it also rewards you in ways you can't imagine, but if you're not ready to work or committ, then this program may not be for you." Some people may feel this "talking to was not appropriate, or harsh but I can see why it could be necessary. The nature of this disease is serious, not something to be on the fence about. It takes a committment, it takes a lot of work, it will consume your days and nights but you will even early on see the benefits of staying clean. It requires realizing you are powerless over alcohol, believing in a power greater than yourself to restore you to sanity, and turning your entire will over to that higher power. I love the first three steps. They set the foundation, the cornerstones to what you will build upon. For me these have to be firmly in place before you move on. As these two young people spoke I heard many signs that they weren't quite ready yet, the huge presence of "I". The ego and self centeredness has to be set aside, when I was young this would have been very difficult for me to do. Also the overwhelmingness that was present, obviously because of wanting to tackle too many tasks at once. I was guilty of this too when I first walked through the door, but once I started working with a sponsor I know I had to work on one thing at a time. The twelve step program is designed for a reason, each step important with a purpose. I have to agree with the old timers, if your not ready to do the work, then you might not be ready for the program.....

Life on life's terms...

I hear this statement many times per week. That as member's of AA it's important that we learn to live life on life's terms. That's what it has been all this week. Life is going to keep sending us one challenge after another and it's how we react to those situations that matters. Before I would have picked up a drink and tried to forget any "new issues". But now I find that I'm smack dab in the middle of them and I have to walk through the messes now rather than avoid them. It's amazing how many times a day I keep turning my will over to God, asking for his will not mine, saying the Serenity Prayer, staying in the moment, and before I know it the problem has passed, and I'm sober, and doing OK. One thing I'm learning to do is step out of my comfort zone. My daughter has been begging me to chaperone a field trip this year. I'm not the best at this, and it stems from the fact that I was one of the few working moms when my oldest was in preschool. I always felt like I was apologizing for working, like I was a bad mother. Now of course I realize that these are my own phobeas, and I created this subtle difference but it always turned me off for volunteering. I would think, "let the stay at home moms drive". How self-centered and inconsiderate of me, like being a stay at home mom isn't one of the toughest jobs there is. So I agreed to help take her class on a trip to the museum. She was thrilled, and even though I was apprehensive at first I had a great time. The kids that drove with me were very funny, the other mom's were very nice, and my daughter was thrilled. I was ashamed of the fact that I hadn't done this a lot more, and have decided since I can't change the past, I can volunteer for future events. I need to step out of my comfort zone more often.
After dinner I attended the Wednesday night Woman's meeting. It was a small group but the discussion was great. Everyone just seemed to be dealing with something but there we were, laughing and sharing and building one another up so we head back out the door and deal with life. Life on life's terms. It's not so frightening when you realize you are not along. AA has given me a feeling that I am never alone, and this has made a huge difference in my life......

A hug for you and one for me.....

Self love. Two small words with enormous meaning. They can be filled with false hope, false confidence even false promises if they are not sincere. Everyone wants them, few people have them, and even fewer will attain them. I used to think self love is when all the planets aligned and you had everything. Looks, money, fame, love......and all those magical things together made you happy. WRONG!!!!!! Self love has nothing to do with those things, but it can provide happiness if you can achieve it. All my life I was busy chasing rainbows. Empty promise after empty promise. I think I was one of the "unfortunates, I was born that way". If you examine my home life there should not have been a need for gratification. I came from a loving home, good parents, brothers, had everything I could have ever wanted and yet there was always this little hole in my heart. Tiny at first, then when I became a teenager it started to grow. I always thought the latest fashions, or the newest boyfriend, or the best party would bring me happiness. I was on a quest, I would fill up that hole or die trying. The year I was married my husband and I had a brand new home, a huge wedding, and then 11 months after we were married a beautiful baby boy. It still wasn't enough! More, I needed more...this hole kept getting bigger you see, and no matter how much I put into it, it just got emptier and emptier. I went back to college, earned my degree, had two more children, acccumulated tons of debt, pushed away my husband, pushed away those that loved me, put on a facade and the hole was still empty. But wait, somewhere in all of this I did find something. Alcohol, it made me not care if the hole was still empty. There, now I could keep searching, and be numb at the same time. Sooner or later I would find the key to happiness........I did, I just didn't expect it to be a dingy, smoke smelling old church, with swinging doors and people who could hand me my life back. I could finally rest, give up my quest to fill the hole and stop the caos my world had become. I started to fill that hole without even knowing it. By the simple act of self acceptance, self love. I started to examine past choices, started to see them for what they are, just past choices, not to be repeated again, and to move on. I started to take care of myself because I am worthy of loving, and giving, and celebrating this thing called life. Some days even though I have so long to go, the learning will never end, the changing and growth, but I can have moments of such joy and it's because I allow myself to love myself. I wish there was a little bottle of "self-love" and I could run around giving everyone I meet a tsp. of that magic. The world would surely be a better place to be, because when you love yourself, you stop focusing on yourself, you allow yourself to love, to be loved, to understand, to be understood, to forgive, and to be forgiven. The key to happiness lies in each of us, if only we venture in that darkness and look for it...for you see there is a light at the end of the tunnel, its our inner light and may it always be an eternal flame for all of us........