My God......

The Thursday night "We are Not Saints Group" that I lead had a very interesting discussion the other night. We read on page 53 of the Big Book about believing in a power greater than ourselves. Which applies to steps two and three. There were only five of us who braved the pouring rain so this was a very open and frank discussion. Each of us shared our coming to believe in a power greater than ourselves. One lady talked about how she believes in a power greater than herself but it's not God. She struggles with believing a loving God would allow bad things to happen to people. Someone else pointed out that God gives us the choice of free will, and that's why bad things happen. But everyone's point of view had something to offer. When it came to me I suddenly had all these flashbacks of from when I was little to the present. Sort of a 10 second look at my life with God. I grew up with the word, went to a parochial school, attended a beautiful church (physically) but that church was cold. It was made of stone and the people were cool, distant, high church as I like to call it. I remember as a teenager being uncomfortable with God. It was like he didn't fit and I couldn't wait to be 18 so I could tell my parents I wasn't going to church anymore. It wasn't until I had children of my own that I started to slowly make my way back to God. It was a struggle, often painful and unfulfilling. I felt like I was being strangled at times singing the old dogma and hymns. I left feeling I was missing something. When I was 14 my eighth grade class took a trip to Milwaukee. We went shopping and took in a Bucks game. We stayed overnight at Cross Lutheran church and when we worshipped the next day I felt like I was home. We were singing, and praising, raising our arms and shouting to the Lord. I was excited and exhilarated by his presence and felt so moved. I kept thinking maybe I should be a baptist?......Now you have to realize that were I come from it's old German Lutheran. There's not much moving and shaking in the church. But still I kept searching. I would sit in bible studies and hear my voice talking about God and his works, and his will and it still felt false to me. Five years ago my bestie and I attended a Women of Faith in Minneapolis and once again I found myself at home. I was so free worshipping with 18,000.00 other women. Standing on my feet and shouting to the Lord. But my daily walk was so strained. I couldn't find my niche with God. It wasn't until God took my hand and led me through the doors of AA that I finally saw him. He was the God of my understanding. I had spent my whole life looking for a God that fit someone else's belief on who he was. I never took the time to understand him from my point of view. My God, the one that walks beside me every day is a loving God. He is there when I stumble, when I ask for forgiveness, when I don't learn the first time. He knows all my sins and problems and loves my unconditionally. I have seen miracles worked first hand in the program of AA. He can make me feel fearless, and yet comfort me like a parent to a child. My God finally fits, and for that I am eternally grateful......

Flash 55 Friday

Homecoming

Pajama day,
Warrior wear,
school spirit and class identity.
Pep rallies, school skits, and
voting for the "queen".
As evening falls the bright
lights implode a thousand shouts
and yells, and endzone dreams.
Afterwards a dimly lit cafeteria
decorated in blue and gold. Together
you and I emerse in the warm sea
of swaying dancers.....


It's homecoming week at my son's high school. Unfortunately we are getting a lot of rain and the big game might be cancelled. Lots of activities going on. He's going to the dance with a girl that he's known since preschool. They have actually gone to school together for the last ten years. She has grown into a very pretty girl and I'm sure he's noticed. Just wanted to write something that would take me back to a time that didn't seem so long ago. Hope you all have a wonderful weekend.....

Thoughts of autumn.....

I am the autumnal sun by Henry David Thoreau


Sometimes a mortal feels in himself Nature
-- not his Father but his Mother stirs
within him, and he becomes immortal with her
immortality. From time to time she claims
kindredship with us, and some globule
from her veins steals up into our own.

I am the autumnal sun,
With autumn gales my race is run;
When will the hazel put forth its flowers,
Or the grape ripen under my bowers?
When will the harvest or the hunter's moon
Turn my midnight into mid-noon?
I am all sere and yellow,
And to my core mellow.
The mast is dropping within my woods,
The winter is lurking within my moods,
And the rustling of the withered leaf
Is the constant music of my grief....

Subtle Reminders.....

Tuesday already? When I adjusted my schedule at work I thought I would have all this extra time on my hands. Ha, ha, I seem to be busier than ever. We had such a fun time at the Vernon County Fair. It's the last fair of the season in Wisconsin. At first my daughter was hesitant to go on the rides but by the end she was going full boar! Of course the cheese curds, loaded nachos, homemade shakes, and mini donuts were yummy too. Plus I didn't know there were so many types of roosters. It's always fun to meander through the animal barns. The weather was very cool and fall like but that enabled us to have a fire and have some family time without a TV going. Just adults and kids of various ages, talking and laughing. We were also able to meet my nieces five month old Huskie Ava. What a beautiful face, and a sweet personality to match. It's always good to see family. I've been working on the tenth step. A daily inventory, or as my sponsor likes to say 'putting the day to bed". This time for personal reflection will be good for me in that I think it keeps one humble. The trick is to gently take a look, not beat yourself up. Not to criticize or critique yourself to death. But to honestly look at the day, to take note of things you would do differently. To open your mind to change. I'm trying to view this as a time to "relign" my thinking and doing. Sort of a daily "tune up". It also helps keep a person in the present, the here and now. I can see why this is considered a "maintenance step". And something else I've been working on is noticing all the "subtle" reminders of my disease that are given to me each day. Whether it's observing someone who has traits similiar to my own, how their display of behavior can mimick my own, and allow me to keep my attitude in check to gratitude. As I walked through the living room last night I noticed that my oldest was watching a show on MTV. Not my first choice in TV viewing but this show deals with a person who goes around shadowing other people's lives and giving us a glimps into their world on a daily basis. Last night he was spending a week with a young homeless girl. He did everything she did, from sleeping under trees to digging in dumpsters, to begging for food. The more he got to know her the more resilent he realized she was. She was happy, full of spirit, and even had a little dog that followed her all the time. At one point in the week they dig up enough recyclables to pay for bus tickets to get back to her hometown so she can get her social security card, so she can get an ID and a job etc. We learn why she left within a few minutes of meeting her parents. Alcohol, abuse, not feeling worth anything to anybody. It's heart breaking to see someone who feels they have no worth to anyone. They were able to get her SS card and head back to San Francisco. She talked about having nothing and yet being happy. She had genuine gratitude for those who show her compassion and she wants to someday give back. It was a very good reminder of what we really need in life. Self worth, someone to love and love us, gratitude, and humility. When I went upstairs to my room, to do my readings and put my day to bed, I asked my HP to continue watching over this young woman, and I also thanked him for reminding me that my program works if I work it, that I have self worth, and people whom I love, but most of all it humbled me. If this young woman can feel happy and blessed, then my cup runneth over..........

Flash 55 Friday

Vernon County

It's nothing fancy
located out in a field,
The smell of horses and cattle
drift on the air
The September sun begins to fade and
I hear the music, and see the lights
of the rides.
Just smell the aroma of forbidden foods!
You smile and squeeze my hand in anticipation
of the county fair!


And we are off to Vernon county in Wisconsin. To a sweet country fair that is held by the town my brother and his family live in. This particular area of Wisconsin is beautiful. All rolling hills, farms, and the majestic beauty that was carved out by the glaciers. We hope to get apple picking, and of course enjoy a night at the fair. I was given a very good reminder the other night. My bestie and I were having dinner with her sister who was visiting from California. We were laughing about our glamorous lives visiting the cheese store on a Saturday morning, when her sister said, "It's sounds like a pretty good life to me". I realized then that she was right. A simple Midwestern life, full of beauty, and laughter, and love....it's the only place where I want to be. Have an awesome weekend....

Firsts...

This has been a busy week. Run here, run there, getting ready to visit with my brother and his family this weekend, so we are busy doing laundry and packing. Monday after I took the dog to the groomer, and then myself for a haircut (and I won a free haircut which is cool because I never win anything) I some how made it to a Monday night meeting. Three people were there for their first time. So we switched the format to fit a "first step" meeting. I love to hear first step meetings. The moment of clarity is something I never tire of. Some of the stories I had heard, some I never did, all fascinate me. When it came time for the newcomers, I almost held my breath. Remembering not too long ago being in that position. Wanting to almost hide as you tell your story of how you came to be there. Yet, we all tell similiar tales with the places and names changed to our individuality. The first one to talk was a single man. Been in many scrapes with the law, cheated death on more than one occasion, fresh out of treatment. Didn't know where to go, who to talk to, and then found this meeting just a few blocks from his house and decided to go. The second was a couple. They have a child together, had been engaged, and were trying to put the pieces back together. It was hard not to judge the man, especially when he openly admitted to splitting the woman's lip open the week before. I think I have finally mastered the craft of listening to these stories while keeping my face neutral. My friend Steveroni reminded me in his blog, I do not have the right to judge someone else, I have not lived their life.....needless to say I did find myself judging this person at times in my mind. Part of it is, I think being able to recognize the self-centeredness of the disease. How we think we're not in the wrong. I was there and still get there at times. What was tough to watch was the female. When she spoke, the mother guilt poured out of her. She cried openly, she seemed so lost. She I felt was there for him, as she commented, "he was coming, so I knew I had to do something too". Ahhhh, the nature of our disease. It's uniqueness is that one size doesn't fit all. It's ours and only ours. We are selfish in our disease and even more selfish in our recovery. Not only do we bulldoze over everyone when we are using we need to work our programs for ourselves, not others. I didn't get this at first. I wanted someone to work my program for me. I was scared, and overwhelmed by what laid ahead. Now after some months or working the steps, living the program, walking with my HP my outlook is so different than it used to be. My heart ached for these people. How do mere words get the meaning accross? Life will get better, one 24 hours at a time. But in the beginning, 24 hours might as well be 24 days. It seems endless. So I shared what I could, I made eye contact with the woman, I told them all to keep coming back. When we all leave is when the mission of our program begins. Will they come back? Will they be strong enough to realize that if they are willing to work for it, there is a life richer and fuller than their wildest dreams? We can only hope so.......

Watching the promises happen...

Despite the craziness of the weekend I was able to squeeze in a Saturday morning meeting. (My daughter is doing better, not in school yet, but better). At this meeting a fellow AA member celebrated nine years. I've spoken with this man a few times but really didn't know his story. I also know his sponsor who is just a great guy and when he presented him with his nine year chip he said, "here you go buddy, I know you have been waiting for this for a long time". The person receiving the chip began to share his story and explained why that comment was so true. This was the first chip he had received out of prison and in his words, "they don't hand out brass chips in prison". I was stunned. This person has the sweetest face you ever did see and I could tell I wasn't the only one who was surpised by this. Prison? No way, but as we all know alcoholism doesn't descriminate. When I first met this man it was at a Saturday morning meeting. He was bright, cheerful and really talkative. I thought because I was a newcomer maybe he was being extra nice. But I soon came to know that this was just his demeanor. Upbeat, helpful, willing to always go the extra mile and excited about the program of AA. His story was so inspiring. As he told of the years in prison, becoming sober in an environment where drugs and alcohol are twice as easy to get on the inside than on the outside. How his family supported him, how he has been able to sponsor someone else, and how he's back in school getting the education he always wanted. He even found other AA members on campus and started a noon meeting. I sat there listening with this huge grin on my face. He broke into tears of greatfulness and your heart just swells at these moments. Moments when you see God and another human being walking hand and hand down life's journey. I was so grateful to be there and share this moment with him and everyone else at the meeting. It just set the tone for the whole hour. Everyone was happy, and upbeat. Of course there was cake afterwards but what a joyful celebration. It's times like these that I wish I could capture and put on an old viewmaster,so you could show newcomers that it's worth the time, the pain, the misery just so you can stay with it to see the promises start to come true. I left feeling on cloud nine. Is life perfect? no, will it ever be? no, but it can be filled with peace, happiness, and a sense of well being. As they say at meetings, "keep coming back, it works if you work it, it sucks if you don't"..............