Firsts...

This has been a busy week. Run here, run there, getting ready to visit with my brother and his family this weekend, so we are busy doing laundry and packing. Monday after I took the dog to the groomer, and then myself for a haircut (and I won a free haircut which is cool because I never win anything) I some how made it to a Monday night meeting. Three people were there for their first time. So we switched the format to fit a "first step" meeting. I love to hear first step meetings. The moment of clarity is something I never tire of. Some of the stories I had heard, some I never did, all fascinate me. When it came time for the newcomers, I almost held my breath. Remembering not too long ago being in that position. Wanting to almost hide as you tell your story of how you came to be there. Yet, we all tell similiar tales with the places and names changed to our individuality. The first one to talk was a single man. Been in many scrapes with the law, cheated death on more than one occasion, fresh out of treatment. Didn't know where to go, who to talk to, and then found this meeting just a few blocks from his house and decided to go. The second was a couple. They have a child together, had been engaged, and were trying to put the pieces back together. It was hard not to judge the man, especially when he openly admitted to splitting the woman's lip open the week before. I think I have finally mastered the craft of listening to these stories while keeping my face neutral. My friend Steveroni reminded me in his blog, I do not have the right to judge someone else, I have not lived their life.....needless to say I did find myself judging this person at times in my mind. Part of it is, I think being able to recognize the self-centeredness of the disease. How we think we're not in the wrong. I was there and still get there at times. What was tough to watch was the female. When she spoke, the mother guilt poured out of her. She cried openly, she seemed so lost. She I felt was there for him, as she commented, "he was coming, so I knew I had to do something too". Ahhhh, the nature of our disease. It's uniqueness is that one size doesn't fit all. It's ours and only ours. We are selfish in our disease and even more selfish in our recovery. Not only do we bulldoze over everyone when we are using we need to work our programs for ourselves, not others. I didn't get this at first. I wanted someone to work my program for me. I was scared, and overwhelmed by what laid ahead. Now after some months or working the steps, living the program, walking with my HP my outlook is so different than it used to be. My heart ached for these people. How do mere words get the meaning accross? Life will get better, one 24 hours at a time. But in the beginning, 24 hours might as well be 24 days. It seems endless. So I shared what I could, I made eye contact with the woman, I told them all to keep coming back. When we all leave is when the mission of our program begins. Will they come back? Will they be strong enough to realize that if they are willing to work for it, there is a life richer and fuller than their wildest dreams? We can only hope so.......