Saturday, September 25, 2010

My God......

The Thursday night "We are Not Saints Group" that I lead had a very interesting discussion the other night. We read on page 53 of the Big Book about believing in a power greater than ourselves. Which applies to steps two and three. There were only five of us who braved the pouring rain so this was a very open and frank discussion. Each of us shared our coming to believe in a power greater than ourselves. One lady talked about how she believes in a power greater than herself but it's not God. She struggles with believing a loving God would allow bad things to happen to people. Someone else pointed out that God gives us the choice of free will, and that's why bad things happen. But everyone's point of view had something to offer. When it came to me I suddenly had all these flashbacks of from when I was little to the present. Sort of a 10 second look at my life with God. I grew up with the word, went to a parochial school, attended a beautiful church (physically) but that church was cold. It was made of stone and the people were cool, distant, high church as I like to call it. I remember as a teenager being uncomfortable with God. It was like he didn't fit and I couldn't wait to be 18 so I could tell my parents I wasn't going to church anymore. It wasn't until I had children of my own that I started to slowly make my way back to God. It was a struggle, often painful and unfulfilling. I felt like I was being strangled at times singing the old dogma and hymns. I left feeling I was missing something. When I was 14 my eighth grade class took a trip to Milwaukee. We went shopping and took in a Bucks game. We stayed overnight at Cross Lutheran church and when we worshipped the next day I felt like I was home. We were singing, and praising, raising our arms and shouting to the Lord. I was excited and exhilarated by his presence and felt so moved. I kept thinking maybe I should be a baptist?......Now you have to realize that were I come from it's old German Lutheran. There's not much moving and shaking in the church. But still I kept searching. I would sit in bible studies and hear my voice talking about God and his works, and his will and it still felt false to me. Five years ago my bestie and I attended a Women of Faith in Minneapolis and once again I found myself at home. I was so free worshipping with 18,000.00 other women. Standing on my feet and shouting to the Lord. But my daily walk was so strained. I couldn't find my niche with God. It wasn't until God took my hand and led me through the doors of AA that I finally saw him. He was the God of my understanding. I had spent my whole life looking for a God that fit someone else's belief on who he was. I never took the time to understand him from my point of view. My God, the one that walks beside me every day is a loving God. He is there when I stumble, when I ask for forgiveness, when I don't learn the first time. He knows all my sins and problems and loves my unconditionally. I have seen miracles worked first hand in the program of AA. He can make me feel fearless, and yet comfort me like a parent to a child. My God finally fits, and for that I am eternally grateful......

6 comments:

  1. smiles. it is a journey...i left teh church at 16 becaue i no longer fit...came back years later...and even spent several years as a pastor..glad you found your fit...

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  2. Me thinks that "as we understood him" are the most important words in 12-step recovery.

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  3. I feel like I'm on a similar journey myself!

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  4. one of the great things about AA is that we all get to develop a relationship with a Higher Power who best speaks to us as individuals. My understanding and relationship with HP has evolved soooooo much during the 14 years I've been sober in AA.

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  5. Powerful stuff. I believe that Steps 2 and 3 are what keeps me sane.

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