30 days...

Today marks the first 30 days! 24 hours at a time. Those of you who know me know this is not an easy task for me. I like to do things "right now"! If I comment to my husband that we should paint the livingroom he just goes and gets the paintbrush and supplies. We've actually transformed rooms in less than 24 hours. I am so thankful that God reached out, flipped the switch, and sent me through the doors of AA. For the first time in my life, things are beginning to make sense. I've stopped watching my life from accross the street and have started participating in it. Small things like the clouds and rain today mean so much. I feel the weather today. It's gloomy, and cool and makes me want to turn soft lights on in the house and eat meatloaf and mac'n chz. like my grandma baked in the oven. It makes me thankful that I can watch the branches dripping from inside my warm house, or that I even have a window to look out of. These are sensations, like the tingling of your finger tips that I was missing out on because I was too busy trying to get to the end of a day, to drink, to get to the end of another bottle, so I could shove all the stress of life far, far, away. I may not always be comfortable with emotions, I'm not particularly fond of pain, but they don't frighten me like they did 30 days ago. For me the hardest step is three: I can turn it over but then I keep asking for it back. I want to control it. I can't but it doesn't take the "I want" out of the equation. It's like the scene from the book "The Shack" when Jesus takes Mack for a walk off the end of the dock. ( I had to laugh when he left his socks and shoes on because I would have done the same thing) You have to believe, have to trust that your HP is in control. I may struggle with this for a long time to come, but I am always reassured when someone at a meeting reads the promises :" If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are halfway through". That is my favorite line: halfway through....I can't even comprehend halfway through. My life has changed in a million tiny ways since February 10th! Tiny ways that have already had a huge impact on me. The other night we were watching "Where The Wild Things Are" and my daughter reached up and traced the outline of my face with her finger, I looked down at her and she gave me her big tooth missing smile and I wanted to preserve that moment forever. Thank you God for leading me out of the fog and into AA and into a life richer than even I could imagine......