90 days and counting.....

Today I celebrate 90 days....back in January if you would have told me I wouldn't have had a drink for three months I would have thought you were crazy. It was nice to celebrate this milestone and as what happens in most meetings....how'd you do it? I did it by realizing that I never wanted to repeat a year like last year. I can honestly say last year was the worst year of my life. Oh it had plenty of great things like milestones and rights of passage for my children but for me it was a year of spiraling downhill. I was drinking heavily, overwhelmed, taking on a new job that I had no clue of how to handle, my husband was working two jobs and never home and I was drowning. In alcohol, in feelings of inadequacy, in feeling like I just wanted to disappear. By August I was about two seconds from a breakdown. I mean one day I did loose it, I just got crazy. But it still took me another six months to walk through the doors of AA. So a few days before my 41st. birthday I closed my office door and dialed the number for AA. That person on the end of the other line did not only save me he has become a friend. He gave me the courage, the nudge, the ok to walk through those doors. And I did. Boy what a wake up call. I was stunned, and I can tell you the first month was no day at the park. I began to get truthful and that is really ugly at times. The fog started to lift and there was my whole imperfect, flawed, dependent self. That perfect mother, wife, daughter, friend facade just faded away. It's like being the last person standing in a battlefield, except this time they took away your defense, your weapon, you no longer get to hide behind alcohol. This is it baby, do or die. So I got a sponsor. Someone with 21 years of sobriety. Someone I knew who would kick my ass, and not let me get away with a thing. Then I began to get a little self worth. I could deserve the good life I had, I could stop sabotaging my world. Next I got to work. Working those twelve steps. As per my usual fashion I didn't wade in I just ran and jumped in. All or nothing for me. I had to deal with an angry husband, trying to make meetings every day, juggling three children and all their different schedules, working full time etc. But I could do it because my HP would get me through it, and I didn't have alcohol numbing me anymore. My sponsor and I work every Friday night and it is for about three hours at a time. I knew I was powerless over alcohol, I already believed in God, but the third step made the difference. For once I committed to him, and gave it over. I never had control to begin with just the illusion that I did. Now I do (try to) his will not mine. I started to learn about myself. That I needed discipline. That I needed time for reflection and meditation. That it was ok to be me. And I started to like myself. Slowly my husband came on board, and I was very fortunate to have friends and family who support me all the time. I found the world of blogging, and I thank all of you for keeping me sane and focused. Your stories, your issues, your encouragement are something I can never repay and something I am so very grateful for each and every day. I ask God for his help in the morning and I thank him every night. Is my life perfect? NO, I still have a lot of the problems that I had before but now I deal with them differently. I stop the insanity and don't repeat behavior or patterns that were harmful to me before. I can accept myself flaws and all. You know your programs working when your sponsor points out to you that you have become much more calm. I didn't even realize it but the roar, the anxiety that used to race through my insides is gone. The sea is quiet. I like that. 90 days ago I couldn't imagine never taking a drink again for the rest of my life and today I can't imagine drinking even in my life.....