Just five minutes more......

That's what I wanted this morning...."just five minutes more"....after I hit the alarm not once but twice. Wednesday, middle of the road, for a brief fleeting thought my mind said, "Hey just call everyone in sick and stay in bed for the day". What a wonderful thought except I could hear my two youngest up talking about the "Cinco de Mayo" parties they would be having in Spanish class, and my oldest has "behind the wheel". I pulled myself up and got myself moving. Aren't there just days you want to stay in the comfort and safety of your bed?! It's quiet there, if you burrow deep enough in people can't even tell if you are in there or not. Escape. Something an alcoholic mind can really relate to. So many people say to me:"You know when I first found out you were an alcoholic I didn't believe it, I mean, I never saw you pass out, or get a DWI, and on and on...." So I listen and tell them what I feel was my biggest offense with alcohol. "I used it to escape. To escape the unrealistic goals, expectations that I had set for myself. To escape the inferior feelings of not being the best mom in the world(by my standards). To avoid the fact that many of the dreams I had when I was younger had never come true. To escape the fact that life is messy, hurtful, painful, exhausting....and on and on. I used it to keep me in my immature 17 year old mind, I avoided being an adult and all the responsibility that came with it". That was the greatest tragedy. Complete numbness, complete absence of partaking in my own life. After I say this people look at me rather funny. Like they just can't find the words to say. I get that. That's why I have meetings, and a sponsor. These people understand me. They don't judge my past, or my present. I needed it, to calm my nerves, to take away the edge of the day, to "treat myself"...I mean any excuse in the book to drink...heck I didn't even need an excuse. I wish at times I could explain to people how amazing it is to partake in your own life. It's like taking a long nap, for years, and finally you wake up. I woke up in the middle of my life. I've got a husband, three kids, a dog, a responsible job....wow all this was there. I know to someone who doesn't struggle with altering their conciousness that this could seem like a lot of dribble, but to me it's real. Even the smallest things bring joy. Last night my daughter and I went shopping for our newest neighbor: a brand new nine lb. baby boy. We had so much fun picking it out, wrapping it, and then my two youngest wanted to take it over. I was cooking so I kept an eye on them through the kitchen window as they ran over to the neighbor's, gifts in tow, so excited. They came home with their faces all flushed with excitment at seeing the new baby, and giving the gifts. The joy of living. So I guess if I really give it some thought, unless I'm very ill, the thought of staying in bed all day isn't so great, too much living to do, too much I might miss out on. Escape is no longer an option......