In need of a change...

Ever since I hit my first year of sobriety anniversary I have felt like a snake trying to shed my old skin. I don't know what it is but I feel this urge to change things from my surroundings (hence the total bedroom makeover which by the way I love) to Weight Watchers (I've lost my first five pounds) to now meetings. Which of course can be an issue when you chair one of those meetings. I spoke with the president of our Alano club after the Saturday morning meeting. He's a good friend of mine and we both have concerns about the meeting I chair. It's a Thursday night big book meeting that deals with the first 164 pages of AA. It was designed by an old timer that loved structure but had to move back to Racine WI and needed someone to take the meeting over back in July. I thought it would be a good experience so I stepped up to the plate. It's always been a small meeting, very private, not published so you need to hear about it by word of mouth. It grew for a while but now it's stopped growing for some time. There's never enough money to cover the monthly rent so I take care of that out of pocket (and I don't mind) and once I asked if we could perhaps expand into other areas of the book rather than just the first 164 pages but that was given a quick "no!". So what to do? Hang up a flyer, give it more publicity, move it to the back room and pay half the rent? I told the president I would talk it over with the group this Thursday and let him know. He agreed and I went on my way. Now you know us alcoholics we have to take a bite, then chew on something, then chew some more, and stew about it, and on and on. As I was giving my sponsor a ride home from the Monday night meeting she asked what was on my mind. I told her and she was quiet for a moment then asked, "Are you really getting what you need from that meeting? Are you just continuing it because you took it over?" these are things I hadn't thought about. And we sat and talked for the next 45 minutes and I had to be truthful. I had outgrown this meeting a long time ago. It felt like an obligation rather than something I looked forward to. She asked me if I really wanted to lead it anymore, and I finally fessed up and said "no". So at this Thursday's meeting I'm going to tell everyone that it is time for me to move on and that my last meeting that I'm going to chair will be March 31. Perhaps someone else will take the meeting over and if not then it will disban and who knows maybe another different meeting will happen. What I didn't realize is that I was denying myself growth. I was so focused on being committed that I didn't even realize that I wasn't getting what I needed for my own sobriety. I do like familiarity but that's not what I always need. I need to get out of the comfort zone, shake it up, go to new meetings, meet new people, and challenge myself. Maybe I've just outgrown my old "self". When I drank I hung out with different people, I did different things. Now I'm much more comfortable with myself and I want to celebrate my new found identity. Before, this idea would have terrified me but now it excites me. So it's time to reevaluate my meeting schedule and mix it up a bit, and maybe take a look at a few other areas in my life that could use a little shaking up. After all if we're not changing or evolving we're not living, and I have already spent enough time not doing that. So it's time to put on my big girl panties and head out the door......

March Madness....

I'm not talking about the college basketball kind, just madness in general. This past week I heard nothing but tragedy and sadness. A young 28 year old taking their life, a schoolmate dying of cancer, the earthquake and sunami in Japan, people experiencing health and life altering circumstances, and finally at two of the AA meetings I attended people came in very drunk. What's going on? I ask....is there a full moon, a shift in the cosmic atmosphere that everything seems amiss? Or is it just March. Of all the months to me this is the longest and at times the crulest month. It's a transition between winter and spring, giving you the smallest bit of gratification that it can. People are depressed, moody, sullen, sick of winter, sick of life, tired, and drained. We need some hope. So yesterday I finally gave myself a peck talk and took my sorry butt out the door for a walk with my dog. A pure white dog+melting snow = a very dirty dog. However due to the fact the sun was out longer it was still very enjoyable. And apparently I'm not the only because many dogs and their owners were out walking. Trying to salvage some scrap of hope that winter will soon pass. And I did find such a sign. A small bare patch of grass. Although not green it was absolutely beautiful to my eyes. It's amazing how just a walk can change your attitude. Thank you HP. I guess I'm a little niave when it comes to AA. For me, I never would have thought going to a meeting drunk. The woman who came in last Monday night, and sat crying, and stewing in her pity pot, has been coming for ages. But she has a few things against her. One she feels she's better and unique (didn't we all at one time?) that she can do this on her own (so did I and look where that got me) and her ears are closed (we tend to not listen because we know everything already. So after we all listened to how bad her problems were my sponsor spoke. Now my sponsor had just lost a very dear friend to this disease so she was in no mood for a pity party. She laid it out very clearly. If you want to keep on drinking, go ahead. Go drink because you have it so bad, no one else has it as tough as you. This disease will kill you but you obviously don't care because people have reached out to you, but you know it all, you're a step above the rest of us...but wait the rest of us are sitting here sober, and you're drunk...could you be missing something? Then it was my turn to speak. And I'm a people pleaser, so I rarely come on strong, but I was tired after a long day and I wasn't going to let someone feel that their problems were any more heavy than the rest of the people around that table. I told her this was a program for grown ups, for people that want to take responsibility for their actions and that if she was serious, then it was time to put on the big girl panties and get to it. We freely give, but it you have no intentions of working the program, keep going out, and maybe someday when you've had enough you will begin to really want what we have. Another friend of mine wasn't so nice and laid it all on the line. It sucks to say things to someone like that. I hate hurting people but if this is a program of truth than we better grow thicker hides because the truth isn't pretty honey! At my Thursday night meeting a woman came in drunk. She had seven years of sobriety and thought she could handle a little controled drinking. That was over a year ago and now she was coming back through the door. She was humble and could barely talk. She didn't know where to go. As I was sitting down for the Saturday morning meeting I saw this woman standing quietly off by herself. I called her name, gave her a big smile and motioned for her to come sit by me. She was so glad to recognize someone. We talked about which meetings were good, and I recommended what I could. I hope she keeps coming back, and I also hope the first lady does too. But this is a program of work, there is no easier, softer, way...oh wait, yes
there is it's called drinking. It takes very little talent to be a drunk, just a williness to throw your life away so you don't have to live it or feel it. So by the end of the week all this March Madness was getting to me until I realized that these are times that will test me the most. Not when life is a bed of roses, but when it's filled with thorns. For when you feel that first spiney prick on your finger, and the pain sensor reaches your brain, its' called hope. Hope that you don't have to be a drunk, numb from your feelings and the world. That deep down inside there
s a fountain of emotions waiting to errupt as long as you have the courage to surrender.......

Flash 55 Friday....

Hope

On my way out the door,
as I stopped to turn the key
I heard a sound of months
gone by, a tiny breast
upon a twig was singing
it's little heart in two.
I watched this private concert
and marveled at the repetoire of
that small fellow, filled with hope
that spring would come...


This happened yesterday, as I was trying to lock the door, while juggling, my purse, my lunch, and shooing the kids out the door. We are buried in snow, and yet for a brief few moments I was transported into a warm day in May by this sweet little bird, singing his heart out, to an unknown captive audience. God is good! Remember to set your clocks ahead, and have a wonderful weekend......

Uncovering, Discovering, and Discarding

"And now five, maybe six years have passed, and I made another discovery, which I believe to be the Great Discovery. When we make this discovery, the search is over and life begins-life isn't over, life just begins. Really! And this discovery was that I was never alone anymore. I had a God of my very own. And where I am, He is. I'm often by myself, but never alone. And this has been the way it's been ever since the discovery, and it's the way it was before the discovery. Because I hadn't been alone since my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. Now I believe that this program of ours, the Alcoholics Anonymous program, is a program of uncovering, discovering, and discarding. That's the AA program to me. Uncovering, Discovering, and Discarding." from the book A New Pair of Glasses by Chuck C


My good friend M whom I admire very much and have since my first day in AA borrowed me this awesome book called "A New Pair of Glasses". M often refers to parts of it and when I mentioned I was going to get me a copy he put his in my meeting locker at the club for me to borrow. It's a small book packed with wisdom from a recovering alcoholic. I loved the above paragraph. The intimacy in which he proclaims "I had a God of my very own". How much that God fills the void that was always trying to be filled with alcohol. Chuck C goes on to say what he believes is the biggest problem: "the greatest roadblock there is, the only one, as a matter of fact, the only roadblock there is between me and you and me and my God. And that's the human ego. The seat of all the obsessions of the mind. That's where they come from. It is also my total conviction that there is no possibility under Heaven to satisfy the human ego." When I read this, I felt like I had put on a "new pair of glasses", because even though I've made it a year, I have this nagging force that can stop me on a dime, and that is ego. When things go well or when they aren't going bad I tend to go on autopilot and think on my own. Bad, bad, bad, for me to go into my mind. I need to get in tune with my higher power. Part of it is just being in limbo. Last year I was going through the steps and the program filled me night and day. Now my sponsor has turned me loose and I feel like a kid standing in front of the extra curricular activities board trying to find my niche. A thousand possibilities and no sense of direction in which way to go. Things have been happening at work, feelings have been hurt, rules have been laid down and I am caught in the middle of it all. But I've also discovered I can do certain tasks even if they are not my favorite, I can do them well, and it's time to put on the big girl panties and deal with it. Tomorrow I need to get up and ask for strength, and walk through the day. Yesterday while shopping I ran into one of my fellow AA members and we stood in Target talking about the program. R has been sober for 21 years and he asked how my second year was going so far. I told him the truth, that it is different, that I'm incorporating program and living life on a daily basis. That I'm not totally sure if I know what I'm doing. He said, "well, you're not drinking and you're living life on life's terms. So you must know something...." it's always so good to talk to another alcoholic. He also told me that it just keeps getting better and better as the years go by. How it's so amazing how everything we did before was fueled with the reaction to drink, now it's fueled by survival. He told me about celebrating with sparkling cider at his son's wedding, how laughing and remembering is so much more rewarding than a buzz and a next day fog. It was good to run into him, it was good that M left the book in the locker. It is so good that "a God of my very own" looks out for me, even when I think nothing is going on, his plans for me are progressing forth. So this really is a program of uncovering, discovering, and discarding. Uncovering what hurt in the first place, discovering what a new reaction can do to change our lives, and discarding what we no longer need, and moving on. And if I really look at my life today, I guess I can truly say I'm right where I'm suppose to be.......

Flash 55 Friday....

Dreams

Once I was riding a bike
down four lanes of traffic,
I have visited homes
more than once, just a few
days ago I was in high school,
and if I'm lucky I get to see
people that have passed,
I can smell the fried eggs and bacon, and
see my grandma smile once more....




Lately I've had very vivid dreams. So real that I need to think about them upon wakening to make sure they weren't real events. I do love the one's with my grandparents, I miss them so much, and the ones that are all mixed because they are entertaining. However I did not want to go through high school again! :) Have a great weekend.....

Death and the long winter......

Strange title isn't it? We had two mice named Suki and Fergie. Sweet little white mice, sweet in nature, and fun as pets. A few weeks ago, Fergie passed, and not to have Suki all alone we adopted Clara and Lutcey. Well we knew Suki's time was short lived and we do believe she suffered a small stroke, for the last few days of her life she seemed to be paralyzed on one side. We came home last Thursday and Suki was stiff. Her tiny feet frozen in time, breathing no more. Grace was in full drama mode, running to the pantry, getting a zip lock bag, preparing to place her in the freezer chest with Fergie so we can have a proper buriel in the spring. As I sealed the bag and said good bye to our little friend, Grace insisted on being the one to place her in the freezer. I heart her telling Suki that she was healthy now, and that she would be with Fergie. I thinking that this was going to be a "teachable" moment was busy trying to think of words of wisdom that I could impress upon her. All of a sudden I heart her racing up the basement stairs shouting, "Mom, mom, look what I found! A can of frozen pink lemonade! Can we make it? Can we mom?" So much for wisdom and grief. I guess it doesn't take much to excite our family! :) Winter has been long. Piles of snow lay everywhere and it was below zero again this morning. No wonder people feel depressed. A person needs a certain amount of sunshine in their bones. Last night at the Master Gardener's class our lesson dealt with turf, and fertilizer. It was so hard to imagine the thick, green carpeted surfaces they spoke of. How I long for spring, for a patch of grass. Last year the winter flew by and in part I think because I was a newcomer into AA. There was so much to learn and do, and now this year, it's more quiet. I no longer meet with my sponsor unless I need to, and to tell the truth I haven't been hitting too many meetings due to schedule/sickness conflicts. I feel a big off balance and seem to be searching for the answer to show up right in front of my face. I don't deal with depression well, it just makes me want to sleep. So if any of you have a suggestion or to to beat the winter "blahs" let me know, I could really use a few right now......

What does your God look like?

At Thursday's "We are Not Saints" AA meeting, a good friend of mine talked about being asked by a newcomer :"what does your God look like". My friend said this question really through him for a loop. He didn't know how to answer and had a hard time explaining. He said he never really had thought what his God/HP looked like. It was more of a feeling, a presence but to put a visual to it was really stumping him. As the discussion went from person to person we each had our own interpretations of what we felt our God was like. To me I said part of the unknown went with belief. We are to believe in a power greater than ourselves. This power would do for us what we could not do for ourselves. I do not put a picture of what my God looks like. My God is a power, a presence, a feeling that goes with me wherever I go. My sponsor made an interesting point when she said as a girl growing up she always felt God was up, up in the sky, as many of us our taught. It wasn't until she came to believe in God through the program of AA that she realized God wasn't up in the clouds but right inside her heart. Her whole being encompasses her God. I love that image.If we are to have an intimate relationship with our God than it would make sense that we would want God as close to us as possible, not a million miles away. Another person spoke of finding God before he found the program of AA. He was serving time in jail, and that's when he gave his heart to God. It wasn't until months later that a couple of people came to the jail and asked if anyone wanted to have an AA meeting. He knew that God had designed it to be so, he was already filled with the Lord, the rest came easy. It was an awesome meeting. My whole live when I've been involved with churches and religion I always felt like people were trying to influence my thoughts, actions, beliefs, but being able to choose a God of my understanding helped me to take away the "untouchable" of God that I had been raised with. He was suddenly within reach, and I had to trust, and believe that he would walk every step of the way with me. What I didn't realize was that he had taken every step with me my whole life. Waiting patiently for me to get my act together, he must have gotten tired of waiting and decided to come and get me. How different my life was not so long ago. I now watch people actively drinking, the chaos, the pain, the control it has on their lives. I am at awe of the destruction it can lead to, and how people settle for this being the norm. I did for many years. Wasn't everyone leading this kind of mixed up life? What is normal. At one time I didn't have a definition of normal, now it's simplicity. I spent this past weekend finally getting our bedroom decorated and put back together. I choose many things that I felt really reflected the person I've become. I had no idea how they would all work together but they did. I put on some Norah Jones, and spent 12 hours working until it was all done. It's beautiful. Classy, soft, and a sanctuary from a busy life. Hubby got home from his weekend away and really likes it. It was a complete change from all that I used to have that I thought represented me. I have a good friend in AA that likes to say over and over "life works best when I just keep it simple". I couldn't agree more, I've noticed that life gets crazy when I don't keep it simple, and the same goes for my relationship with God. No I do not know what my God looks like. I don't have to. He resides within me, and I know what to do, and when I do what I need to do and keep it simple, my God comes shining through for everyone to see......