Monday, March 14, 2011

March Madness....

I'm not talking about the college basketball kind, just madness in general. This past week I heard nothing but tragedy and sadness. A young 28 year old taking their life, a schoolmate dying of cancer, the earthquake and sunami in Japan, people experiencing health and life altering circumstances, and finally at two of the AA meetings I attended people came in very drunk. What's going on? I there a full moon, a shift in the cosmic atmosphere that everything seems amiss? Or is it just March. Of all the months to me this is the longest and at times the crulest month. It's a transition between winter and spring, giving you the smallest bit of gratification that it can. People are depressed, moody, sullen, sick of winter, sick of life, tired, and drained. We need some hope. So yesterday I finally gave myself a peck talk and took my sorry butt out the door for a walk with my dog. A pure white dog+melting snow = a very dirty dog. However due to the fact the sun was out longer it was still very enjoyable. And apparently I'm not the only because many dogs and their owners were out walking. Trying to salvage some scrap of hope that winter will soon pass. And I did find such a sign. A small bare patch of grass. Although not green it was absolutely beautiful to my eyes. It's amazing how just a walk can change your attitude. Thank you HP. I guess I'm a little niave when it comes to AA. For me, I never would have thought going to a meeting drunk. The woman who came in last Monday night, and sat crying, and stewing in her pity pot, has been coming for ages. But she has a few things against her. One she feels she's better and unique (didn't we all at one time?) that she can do this on her own (so did I and look where that got me) and her ears are closed (we tend to not listen because we know everything already. So after we all listened to how bad her problems were my sponsor spoke. Now my sponsor had just lost a very dear friend to this disease so she was in no mood for a pity party. She laid it out very clearly. If you want to keep on drinking, go ahead. Go drink because you have it so bad, no one else has it as tough as you. This disease will kill you but you obviously don't care because people have reached out to you, but you know it all, you're a step above the rest of us...but wait the rest of us are sitting here sober, and you're drunk...could you be missing something? Then it was my turn to speak. And I'm a people pleaser, so I rarely come on strong, but I was tired after a long day and I wasn't going to let someone feel that their problems were any more heavy than the rest of the people around that table. I told her this was a program for grown ups, for people that want to take responsibility for their actions and that if she was serious, then it was time to put on the big girl panties and get to it. We freely give, but it you have no intentions of working the program, keep going out, and maybe someday when you've had enough you will begin to really want what we have. Another friend of mine wasn't so nice and laid it all on the line. It sucks to say things to someone like that. I hate hurting people but if this is a program of truth than we better grow thicker hides because the truth isn't pretty honey! At my Thursday night meeting a woman came in drunk. She had seven years of sobriety and thought she could handle a little controled drinking. That was over a year ago and now she was coming back through the door. She was humble and could barely talk. She didn't know where to go. As I was sitting down for the Saturday morning meeting I saw this woman standing quietly off by herself. I called her name, gave her a big smile and motioned for her to come sit by me. She was so glad to recognize someone. We talked about which meetings were good, and I recommended what I could. I hope she keeps coming back, and I also hope the first lady does too. But this is a program of work, there is no easier, softer, way...oh wait, yes
there is it's called drinking. It takes very little talent to be a drunk, just a williness to throw your life away so you don't have to live it or feel it. So by the end of the week all this March Madness was getting to me until I realized that these are times that will test me the most. Not when life is a bed of roses, but when it's filled with thorns. For when you feel that first spiney prick on your finger, and the pain sensor reaches your brain, its' called hope. Hope that you don't have to be a drunk, numb from your feelings and the world. That deep down inside there
s a fountain of emotions waiting to errupt as long as you have the courage to surrender.......


  1. smiles. i agree that we need hope and sometimes the truth does hurt a bit...but other other wise we end up walking around in our illusions you know...

  2. Calling people on their shit is tough but when it has been done for me I've ended up appreciating it ;)

  3. Taking a walk has always been my therapy since I was about 9 years old. I would walk then because I'd had enough of my drunken father..Then years later I walked when I had enough of drunk me. But now I walk, sober, with my black and white dog. All I need is a good hour and my whole head is clear and I feel happier. I've learned to say to people I care for exactly what I think. People I don't care for or don't know well I just ignore. Just keep walking and doing what you are doing.

  4. I dont' think March is any better or worse than the other 11 months.
    Shit happens. Bad shit and good shit.
    It's my attitude that gets me through it and enables me to be of serivce to others.

  5. I really understand your feelings in this post. March STINKS!!! My sponsor told me that a women she knew went back out after being sober for 7 years. It is so sad, I think you are right about being in between seasons, it is time for the spring beauty to come out, I had the dullness of this time of year.

    I am going to take a nice long walk today today, I'll think of you!!

  6. It's always tough when people come to meetings drunk. As long as they aren't disruptive, I don't mind as much. I tend to help the drunks who ask for it but stay away from the ones who seem to just be clearly disrespectful of the program. I had a few drinks before my first meeting and i just cried the whole time, but I made sure not to be effed up in my subsequent meetings. I just felt like - if I wanted to get sober, I'd go to a meeting and if I didn't want to - I would drink. But today I see that the people who come drunk have some ounce of willingness, they just need extra help.

    So glad I found your blog!