In need of a change...

Ever since I hit my first year of sobriety anniversary I have felt like a snake trying to shed my old skin. I don't know what it is but I feel this urge to change things from my surroundings (hence the total bedroom makeover which by the way I love) to Weight Watchers (I've lost my first five pounds) to now meetings. Which of course can be an issue when you chair one of those meetings. I spoke with the president of our Alano club after the Saturday morning meeting. He's a good friend of mine and we both have concerns about the meeting I chair. It's a Thursday night big book meeting that deals with the first 164 pages of AA. It was designed by an old timer that loved structure but had to move back to Racine WI and needed someone to take the meeting over back in July. I thought it would be a good experience so I stepped up to the plate. It's always been a small meeting, very private, not published so you need to hear about it by word of mouth. It grew for a while but now it's stopped growing for some time. There's never enough money to cover the monthly rent so I take care of that out of pocket (and I don't mind) and once I asked if we could perhaps expand into other areas of the book rather than just the first 164 pages but that was given a quick "no!". So what to do? Hang up a flyer, give it more publicity, move it to the back room and pay half the rent? I told the president I would talk it over with the group this Thursday and let him know. He agreed and I went on my way. Now you know us alcoholics we have to take a bite, then chew on something, then chew some more, and stew about it, and on and on. As I was giving my sponsor a ride home from the Monday night meeting she asked what was on my mind. I told her and she was quiet for a moment then asked, "Are you really getting what you need from that meeting? Are you just continuing it because you took it over?" these are things I hadn't thought about. And we sat and talked for the next 45 minutes and I had to be truthful. I had outgrown this meeting a long time ago. It felt like an obligation rather than something I looked forward to. She asked me if I really wanted to lead it anymore, and I finally fessed up and said "no". So at this Thursday's meeting I'm going to tell everyone that it is time for me to move on and that my last meeting that I'm going to chair will be March 31. Perhaps someone else will take the meeting over and if not then it will disban and who knows maybe another different meeting will happen. What I didn't realize is that I was denying myself growth. I was so focused on being committed that I didn't even realize that I wasn't getting what I needed for my own sobriety. I do like familiarity but that's not what I always need. I need to get out of the comfort zone, shake it up, go to new meetings, meet new people, and challenge myself. Maybe I've just outgrown my old "self". When I drank I hung out with different people, I did different things. Now I'm much more comfortable with myself and I want to celebrate my new found identity. Before, this idea would have terrified me but now it excites me. So it's time to reevaluate my meeting schedule and mix it up a bit, and maybe take a look at a few other areas in my life that could use a little shaking up. After all if we're not changing or evolving we're not living, and I have already spent enough time not doing that. So it's time to put on my big girl panties and head out the door......