Flash 55 Friday...

Urbanocity

I can't explain why,
towers of metal and glass
quicken my pulse
Most people are repulsed by crowds
but your hub of everyday bodies
and machines acts like blood
flowing through my veins.
Bright lights, restaurant smells,
and culture abound.
A million idiosyncrasies to discover
in a weekend's time,
only leaves me longing for more.......

My husband and I along with our besties are headed to the Twin Cities for the weekend. The last time we went any where without children I was six months pregnant with our second child so I guess we still had children along. I love cities and to me the Twin Cities holds the best of both worlds. Big city life with midwest charm. My husband and I will celebrate 17 years of marriage on Saturday October 2nd. and he will be humoring me in the city because he wants a log cabin on 40 acres in the middle of nowhere. Our road has not been a smooth one, a great deal of that do to my dealing, but for some reason he's still here. For that I am grateful. When we had Alex's birthday party last month, we were all sitting around having coffee and laughing when I looked up and caught my husband staring at me. He had a soft smile on his lips and I'm not sure what he was thinking, but we've made it this far, so I think we can both hang around to see what the next years will bring. Wishing you all a beautiful autumn weekend.....

Autumn color is peaking in central Wisconsin. (I didn't take this picture) but it is the view from Granite Peak, a state park in my hometown. I'm not sure what it is about this season that I love so much. I remember when my husband and I had been dating about 5 months, we would take long walks through the fall leaves in the neighborhood he lived in, and talk about the future. I love how blue the sky is, the smell of dry leaves, the breathtaking color against the dark green of the grass. The nights have been cool, and the moon holds a tint of yellow. This morning as I was backing down the driveway I stopped and looked down our street. Large maple and oak trees create a canopy type feel to the area and the leaves were literally pouring from the trees. It was so beautiful. The kids want to make a leaf pile after school. You know what happens when you do that children from all over the neighborhood start showing up :) There's almost a magical feel to it all. Hope you are all having an awesome week and I will leave you with this poem:

October's Bright Blue Weather
by Helen Hunt Jackson

O sun and skies and clouds of June
And flowers of June together,
Ye cannot rival for one hour
October's bright blue weather;

When loud the bumblebee makes haste,
Belated, thriftless vagrant,
And goldenrod is dying fast,
And lanes with grapes are fragrant;

When gentians roll their fringes tight,
To save them for the morning,
And chestnuts fall from satin burs
Without a sound of warning;

When on the ground red apples lie
In piles like jewels shining,
And redder still on old stone walls
Are leaves of woodbine twining;

When all the lovely wayside things
Their white-winged seeds are sowing,
And in the fields, still green and fair,
Late aftermaths are growing;

When springs run low, and on the brooks
In idle, golden freighting,
Bright leaves sink noiseless in the hush
Of woods, for winter waiting;

When comrades seek sweet country haunt
By twos and twos together,
And count like misers hour by hour
October's bright blue weather.

O sun and skies and flowers of June,
Count all your boasts together,
Love loveth best of all the year
October's bright blue weather.

Being Selfish.....

A few weeks ago I did a post on helping a friend. I felt really good about helping this person. He seemed much more upbeat after we spoke but then....he started calling more, and because I wanted to be nice I would take his calls and patiently answer his questions. Now there's been no advancements or "suggestions" made by this person but I started to get that queasy feeling in my stomach. You know the one that sends the signal to the brain that something just isn't right. Now my sponsor and his sponsor knew that we had talked. My sponsor did not say much when I told her of our meeting. So when I called her last week to seek guidance she was not surprised. "Remember when I asked you not to sponsor anyone until you were through the twelve steps?" she said. I replied, "Yes, but I wasn't sponsoring, I was just helping, and I thought we were suppose to help other alcoholics". To which she replied, "We are, but the person who sought you out is male, and wanting to be codependent on someone else, you know the "easier softer way"?....Now I knew why I was having that queasy feeling. My gut was telling me this wasn't right. In my usual fashion, I rushed in to help, but didn't consider the consequences! Am I alcoholic or what! (lol) So my sponsor asked, "What are you going to do about it?" Darn I was hoping she would talk to his sponsor (me being the coward that I am) and since that wasn't going to happen I needed a solution. First I took the advice she gave: Be selfish, yes selfish in your recovery. You have worked very hard these past months, you have been open to change, you have grown, not without dealing with a lot of pain and you have a long way to go. He's stuck and he wants to ride on your coat tails and being alcoholic you think you can save him, and you will let him tag along because your mind will tell you you can carry both of you until finally he drags you down, and sooner or later alcohol will be right around the corner. I will not sit back and watch this happen." It had never crossed my mind that this could happen. I just thought I was helping, never realizing that I could put my own recovery in danger. My sponsor and I talked a while and decided that I should call him, be direct, explain that I needed to take care of myself, and that he needs to be working his own program with his sponsor. So of course I was chicken at first but then picked up the phone and took care of business so I thought. We had a nice talk and I spoke my peace. He said things were going better, that he had been meeting with his sponsor and thanked me for my time. So I go on my merry little way for a day and then on Friday find a message on my cell phone from him. He was giving me his email address asking that we stay in touch. Enough, I deleted his call. I had made myself clear so i thought. But then there's a side that still wants to help.......but then I got mad. Hey no one made it easy for me. I've done my work, now it's time for him to do his! I finally understood what "being selfish" in your recovery means. I will not jepordize all that I've worked for. I needed to set the boundaries, and do it now. So I went to my Saturday morning meeting and of course he was there. I said "hello" politely, asked him how things were going, and then went and sat by my sponsor. I know my body language was pretty stiff but I wanted my point accross. I did not answer his phone call, nor did I add in his email. This journey has been the hardest one I have walked. I will not risk it being undone. I can pray for this person, but I will not carry him. My HP walks beside me, to make this path possible. I guess there is a time to be selfish, and my time is now......

My God......

The Thursday night "We are Not Saints Group" that I lead had a very interesting discussion the other night. We read on page 53 of the Big Book about believing in a power greater than ourselves. Which applies to steps two and three. There were only five of us who braved the pouring rain so this was a very open and frank discussion. Each of us shared our coming to believe in a power greater than ourselves. One lady talked about how she believes in a power greater than herself but it's not God. She struggles with believing a loving God would allow bad things to happen to people. Someone else pointed out that God gives us the choice of free will, and that's why bad things happen. But everyone's point of view had something to offer. When it came to me I suddenly had all these flashbacks of from when I was little to the present. Sort of a 10 second look at my life with God. I grew up with the word, went to a parochial school, attended a beautiful church (physically) but that church was cold. It was made of stone and the people were cool, distant, high church as I like to call it. I remember as a teenager being uncomfortable with God. It was like he didn't fit and I couldn't wait to be 18 so I could tell my parents I wasn't going to church anymore. It wasn't until I had children of my own that I started to slowly make my way back to God. It was a struggle, often painful and unfulfilling. I felt like I was being strangled at times singing the old dogma and hymns. I left feeling I was missing something. When I was 14 my eighth grade class took a trip to Milwaukee. We went shopping and took in a Bucks game. We stayed overnight at Cross Lutheran church and when we worshipped the next day I felt like I was home. We were singing, and praising, raising our arms and shouting to the Lord. I was excited and exhilarated by his presence and felt so moved. I kept thinking maybe I should be a baptist?......Now you have to realize that were I come from it's old German Lutheran. There's not much moving and shaking in the church. But still I kept searching. I would sit in bible studies and hear my voice talking about God and his works, and his will and it still felt false to me. Five years ago my bestie and I attended a Women of Faith in Minneapolis and once again I found myself at home. I was so free worshipping with 18,000.00 other women. Standing on my feet and shouting to the Lord. But my daily walk was so strained. I couldn't find my niche with God. It wasn't until God took my hand and led me through the doors of AA that I finally saw him. He was the God of my understanding. I had spent my whole life looking for a God that fit someone else's belief on who he was. I never took the time to understand him from my point of view. My God, the one that walks beside me every day is a loving God. He is there when I stumble, when I ask for forgiveness, when I don't learn the first time. He knows all my sins and problems and loves my unconditionally. I have seen miracles worked first hand in the program of AA. He can make me feel fearless, and yet comfort me like a parent to a child. My God finally fits, and for that I am eternally grateful......

Flash 55 Friday

Homecoming

Pajama day,
Warrior wear,
school spirit and class identity.
Pep rallies, school skits, and
voting for the "queen".
As evening falls the bright
lights implode a thousand shouts
and yells, and endzone dreams.
Afterwards a dimly lit cafeteria
decorated in blue and gold. Together
you and I emerse in the warm sea
of swaying dancers.....


It's homecoming week at my son's high school. Unfortunately we are getting a lot of rain and the big game might be cancelled. Lots of activities going on. He's going to the dance with a girl that he's known since preschool. They have actually gone to school together for the last ten years. She has grown into a very pretty girl and I'm sure he's noticed. Just wanted to write something that would take me back to a time that didn't seem so long ago. Hope you all have a wonderful weekend.....

Thoughts of autumn.....

I am the autumnal sun by Henry David Thoreau


Sometimes a mortal feels in himself Nature
-- not his Father but his Mother stirs
within him, and he becomes immortal with her
immortality. From time to time she claims
kindredship with us, and some globule
from her veins steals up into our own.

I am the autumnal sun,
With autumn gales my race is run;
When will the hazel put forth its flowers,
Or the grape ripen under my bowers?
When will the harvest or the hunter's moon
Turn my midnight into mid-noon?
I am all sere and yellow,
And to my core mellow.
The mast is dropping within my woods,
The winter is lurking within my moods,
And the rustling of the withered leaf
Is the constant music of my grief....

Subtle Reminders.....

Tuesday already? When I adjusted my schedule at work I thought I would have all this extra time on my hands. Ha, ha, I seem to be busier than ever. We had such a fun time at the Vernon County Fair. It's the last fair of the season in Wisconsin. At first my daughter was hesitant to go on the rides but by the end she was going full boar! Of course the cheese curds, loaded nachos, homemade shakes, and mini donuts were yummy too. Plus I didn't know there were so many types of roosters. It's always fun to meander through the animal barns. The weather was very cool and fall like but that enabled us to have a fire and have some family time without a TV going. Just adults and kids of various ages, talking and laughing. We were also able to meet my nieces five month old Huskie Ava. What a beautiful face, and a sweet personality to match. It's always good to see family. I've been working on the tenth step. A daily inventory, or as my sponsor likes to say 'putting the day to bed". This time for personal reflection will be good for me in that I think it keeps one humble. The trick is to gently take a look, not beat yourself up. Not to criticize or critique yourself to death. But to honestly look at the day, to take note of things you would do differently. To open your mind to change. I'm trying to view this as a time to "relign" my thinking and doing. Sort of a daily "tune up". It also helps keep a person in the present, the here and now. I can see why this is considered a "maintenance step". And something else I've been working on is noticing all the "subtle" reminders of my disease that are given to me each day. Whether it's observing someone who has traits similiar to my own, how their display of behavior can mimick my own, and allow me to keep my attitude in check to gratitude. As I walked through the living room last night I noticed that my oldest was watching a show on MTV. Not my first choice in TV viewing but this show deals with a person who goes around shadowing other people's lives and giving us a glimps into their world on a daily basis. Last night he was spending a week with a young homeless girl. He did everything she did, from sleeping under trees to digging in dumpsters, to begging for food. The more he got to know her the more resilent he realized she was. She was happy, full of spirit, and even had a little dog that followed her all the time. At one point in the week they dig up enough recyclables to pay for bus tickets to get back to her hometown so she can get her social security card, so she can get an ID and a job etc. We learn why she left within a few minutes of meeting her parents. Alcohol, abuse, not feeling worth anything to anybody. It's heart breaking to see someone who feels they have no worth to anyone. They were able to get her SS card and head back to San Francisco. She talked about having nothing and yet being happy. She had genuine gratitude for those who show her compassion and she wants to someday give back. It was a very good reminder of what we really need in life. Self worth, someone to love and love us, gratitude, and humility. When I went upstairs to my room, to do my readings and put my day to bed, I asked my HP to continue watching over this young woman, and I also thanked him for reminding me that my program works if I work it, that I have self worth, and people whom I love, but most of all it humbled me. If this young woman can feel happy and blessed, then my cup runneth over..........