Dealing with a big plate of yuk....

Yep, that's the truth. I'm dealing with a big plate of yuk. Actually just a bunch of financial stuff that needs to be dealt with, and until I had some recovery time in I couldn't deal with it. But you can't put stuff off forever so I decided that this would be the week to deal with it. What I hate is how financial stress adds to marital stress. I mean I don't think my husband and I can have a five minute conversation about this stuff without raising our voices. The blame game. Taking responsibility. I'm not worried about the past, I just want to move forward. My husband is busy pointing out things from the past, and not moving into the present. This makes me want to scream! And when he yells my first response is flight. I become a little girl, and I want to go hide somewhere. I am really trying to fight this impulse. I don't have the urge to drink, but I do have the urge to run. I've really had to call on my program to get me through. To recognize my urges as behaviors of the past that can't be acted on. So it's yuky, I feel yuky, and yet somehow I am managing to just keep plodding along. Taking care of business, and letting the words fall where they may. Oh and it's raining again! Big surprise there! My gardens are water logged and my daughter has been going crazy if there is a rumble of thunder. Pray for me, I need strength this week. My HP is with me, but at times I just feel frustrated and full of tears. None of this happened over night and it's not going to get fixed overnight. Especially the marriage part. I used to obsess if everything wasn't running smoothly between us, now I can let things hang for a bit, and let time take it's course. I hope you are all having a better week than I am. Off to do some more paperwork.....

Celebrations.....

Yesterday was a day full of celebrations. At the 11:00 meeting we had numerous anniversaries. Twelve years, five years, and one year. The mood was charged with energy, as the three anniversary people shared "how they did it". And of course there was cake, but I passed because we were headed to my besties house for dinner and I knew there would be cake so I saved myself. But what an interesting meeting. The man who had twelve years met his mate at AA. It was neat to see the love and adoration between them. The gentleman who had five years was given a beautiful engraved garden stone by his brother who is also a member of AA. Lots of wet eyes in the house on that one. And the lady who celebrated her first years was glowing. I just sat back and soaked it all in. I have sat through so many meetings where I have cried, or listened to someone else struggling, suffering, and sobbing that it was such a treat to have such joy and laughter. Of course this too shall pass but I enjoyed every moment of it. After the meeting I stopped at the house where my husband was helping some friends of ours lay a wood floor. The female in this couple is my son Sam's godmother. She has a job where she travels all over the world, and she and her husband are a lot older than us so I don't get to see her very often. In fact the last time I saw them was in January, before I entered recovery. So while the men were working on the floor I helped her get lunch ready and finally told her I was an alcoholic. She seemed genuinely shocked. But after I explained everything she was so happy that I had entered AA. It was great to get that off my chest. I still have people that I only see here and there that don't know. So the four of us had a great lunch, full of laughs and then I was off to run errands, pick up the house, take the kids and myself to church and then off to my besties for dinner. Now you know the euphoria of my day just can't last. Our best friends live a half hour away so we arrived home at 11:30pm, everyone tired, and my oldest son and his friend meet us at the back door."Mom was your phone on? I tried calling you 8 times. Jack (our dog) has been throwing up and he threw up on the couch, the pillows, Sam's bed, and Grace's bed. So I set my purse down, let out a sigh and tell my hubby to go to bed while I start laundry and changing beds. What a mess. I finally crawled into bed around 1:00 in the morning and you know what? That special feeling of "celebration" came right back. Once in a while we need a day of celebration. It reminds us that there are such things as miracles, and that every birthday actual or sober birthday is a reason to celebrate..........

Flash 55 Friday

Intermission

Oppressive heat
leaving sweat beads
along my neck.
My leaden filled eyes
drop shut as my head
indents the pillow.
Faintly a crack of
thunder, your voice
fading in the distance.
A quiet blackness
spreads over my limbs
like a blanket.
"Just a few minutes more",
I murmur.
Waking much later to dripping
trees and sunshine.



Tuesday afternoon I beat a storm home. I was running on a few hours of sleep and I was talking to my son as I just laid down for a "minute"....I woke up an hour and a half later and found that I had slept through a very bad storm. High winds, hail, and lots of thunder and lightening. I guess when tired a person can really sleep through anything.......

And I did it all without a ........

Sometimes at meetings I contribute, sometimes I don't. I contribute by listening. Contribute to my sobriety that is by listening to those who have gone before. At a meeting the other night people were talking about what they had survived. One man who I shall call P had survived 6 surgeries in 6 months. He is battling kidney issues right now, is in and out of the hospital, but he's always at the meetings. He talked a bit about all that he had survived. Numerous health problems, some of which are still present, relationships both good and bad, financial hell and back, and through it all you can see in eyes the quiet peace he has found through the program. He ended by saying, "I survived it all without a drink". Another lady spoke of her troubles: a month in a mental hospital, a divorce, bankruptcy, loss of job, raising two kids on her own, and she too ended with , "I survived it all without a drink". To the average person this is no big deal. What's so big about not having to take a drink? But to those of us who have the disease or have been touched by those with the disease, this is no easy task. Alcohol was my side kick. If I had a bad day, alcohol would make it better, if I was having financial problems, alcohol could make those disappear. If I was happy, mad, confused, disappointed, guilty or full of shame, alcohol would take it all away. You get to the point where it becomes the catalyst to everything you do. You can't imagine your world without it. And you will fight, justify and protect it at all costs, because the really sick part of the disease is when it convinces you that you can't live without it. You won't last a day without a drink. When I was talking to my coworker about her son I kept thinking, "If only I could make him understand that you will laugh, you will have fun, you will survive without alcohol". Getting over that first step: Admitting that you are powerless over alcohol. It's not such a voluntary act when your mind convinces you and your body that you will die without it. In the end drinking was a daily habit, like brushing my teeth. It was just another part of my day. I didn't know how I was going to give it up. Until I tried, and trusted, and cried, and laughed, and realized that it was not blood, it was not oxygen, it was not needed to live a rich and fulfilling life.(AA Promises) But it takes time, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but always if you work for it...........

Tired.......

I made it home yesterday before the black sky opened and unleashed it's wrath. I was glad all my blessings were safe in the house, and the last thing I remember is conversing with my oldest. The next time I opened my eyes it was sunny and water was dripping outside the windows. I had slept for an hour and a half, through a wind whipping, lightening/thunder, hail thunderstorm. Lost of trees down, and over 4,000 people without power, cable, phones. And I slept through it. So to redeem myself I went grocery shopping and made a big pan of lazagna. My children forgave me for sleeping through the storm. My body needed it and the one thing about loosing sleep is you never get it back. So I have nothing earth shattering to contribute today. Going to the library after work tonight (never made it yesterday) then home to eat the yummy leftovers. After that nothing. I will relax, meditate, and be grateful to my higher power for downtime. I have decided no more justifying when I don't feel like doing anything. Hope you are all having a good "hump day"........

Everybody has their own plate of.......

I have found my home group. Monday night's are awesome. I like the people, I like the format, I love the discussion. We also had two anniversaries, two months and one year. You know what that means? CAKE! really good cake too, but I wasn't paying attention and drank way too much coffee, and was up until 3:00 with caffeine withdrawal. So 2 1/2 hours of sleep is not doing me justice today. I'm taking the afternoon off for a haircut, grocery shopping and the library. I know, I know, you are all just jealous of my glamorous life :) Last night as I came home, feeling all the good feelings of a great meeting my daughter met me at the fence gate with the news that my coworker had been to the house looking for me and was crying. I headed in and my husband said, "get a hold of P as soon as you can, I don't know what's wrong but she needs you to call her". So what happens I open my phone and the last ounce of battery drains out and sends me that cute little message "good-bye". I plug it in and it didn't even have the energy to let me pull her number up. So I grabbed my son's phone, made a call to her boss, got the number and spent the next hour listening to somone's heart break. Her son is back at it again, she had checked him into a local facility to dry out, the cycle that I was afraid of is happening. He's slowly loosing everything and everybody. He's alone, afraid, and not ready. To listen to a mother sob because she can't help her son is heart wrenching. I felt helpless until I began to use what experience I had. I didn't lie when she asked if I thought that maybe he had enough. It's tough to tell a friend, that their child may or may not be near bottom. I hate the reality of this disease. It just keeps taking, and taking, with no concern for those in it's path. My friend asked me what the defining moment was for me "how or when did you know?". I had to think about it, there was a chain of events that happened that led to my going to AA but the actual defining moment had to be the day I woke up and realized that I could not endure another year like the year before. I knew that I would have either drank myself to death or chose to exit out some other way. I had never admitted that to another human being before last night. I was too scared to admitt that I was in that much depression and despair. Thank God, my God did not let that happen. He led me through the doors of AA. I finally faced a truth that had been scaring me to death. We talked some more about Al-Anon, talking to someone, taking care of herself etc...at least to the point where she was more calm, and had agreed to eat something and try to get some sleep. I hung up and just wanted to throw something. I wanted alcoholism to have a real form, so I could grab it, yell at it and throw it across the room! Today we are back at work. Our tired eyes, and drawn faces revealing nights of little sleep. Trying to act normal. I remember many days last year, trying to appear normal. Not hungover, and emotionally spent. The fake smiles and laughter. Recently a friend of mine commented on a friend of hers by telling me that her friend has the "perfect life". I smiled and said, "I no longer believe that of anyone, we all have our own plate of problems, you just don't know when it's going to be served".....I gave up the elusion of perfection. I had chased that pot of gold for years. I have learned to accept imperfection, it's strangely beautiful and perfect in it's own way.....

The Summer of my miscontent.....

I get restless this time of year. If you ask my husband he will say irritable too. I'm not sure what causes it. Perhaps I know what lies ahead. A busy school year with three kids. My gardens even look anxious and restless. I feel change a coming and yet I feel nothing changing. My son and I were talking the other night while we were making dinner and I said to him, "you know sometimes I would like to sell the house, simplify, move and start in a whole new fresh atmosphere". This came as a little shocking to Alex. "Really mom?" to which I replied, "yes, really". I would love to pay off debt, get rid of so much stuff we don't need, and live simply, and maybe start planning to travel etc.", he thought about it for a minute then said, 'I could see that". Now moving to most people is the most unappealing process possible. But lately I look around at the amount of stuff my husband and I have accumulated and really, we could do without. Of course I haven't mentioned this to my husband because I've scared him enough these past few months, but there is a restlessness in my bones. Perhaps it's because things I felt that I needed so badly in my life really aren't that important. I've learned to look at things differently. I'm tired of stuff. Stuff wears you down. Both physically and mentally. I've put this crazy notion into my God box and asked him for the answer. I wish I could explain this feeling better but I do go through it every year. This time I'm looking for an answer. I hate waiting but it's God's time not mine. So quietly (and anxiously) I wait.....