Waking up to reality.......

Recently I noticed a change in a coworker of mine. This person and I are friends and she's normally bubbly, talkative and outgoing. The last few weeks she has been quiet, withdrawn and looks tired. At the end of the work day yesterday she stopped in my office and I finally asked her if something was bothering her. Her eyes filled with tears and she said, "No life just sucks". I asked if it was marriage problems and she said no. I would have left this alone but I could tell she really needed to talk to someone. Very few people know that I am a recovering alcoholic at work. So I looked at her and said, "I'll share something private with you if you'll share with me". She seemed to brighten a bit so I told her about AA and my recovery. She said "let's go in my office, I need to know how you knew you were an alcoholic and what made you decide to go to AA". So I told her my story and then she shared with me: Her 23 year old son has a terrible drinking problem. He has struggled for years and his girlfriend of six years has left him (they just bought a house together) and last Saturday night he and a friend got so drunk that his friend didn't know he had left the house, got in his truck and attempted to drive home. He blacked out while making a sharp curve, flew off the road, rolled and totaled the truck and was ejected from the vehicle. He was treated at the hospital for minor injuries but is suffering much pain, was thrown in jail for the night and will loose his license. I sat very quietly listening to her talk, sob, and blame herself, and be frustrated, and most of all heartbroken. For a split second I caught a look at what it is to be sober watching the alcoholic. I told her that unfortunately she may have to watch this train wreck. That he needs AA but he has to decide that. I also told her to get to an Al-Anon meeting. To talk to other people going through the same thing. I was also able to help her better understand
the disease. We talked for a bit more and as we were getting ready to leave she said, "It's crazy of all the days to tell me about yourself, it was today when I just needed so badly to talk to someone else". I looked her in the eye and said, "God knows when you're reaching the end of your rope and he sent me to tell you that you don't have to travel this journey alone". We hugged and went our separate ways. I thought about the situation a lot. How the effects of our drinking are like ripples in a pond touching everyone we know. Cunning, Baffling, Powerful.
As I came in the door my two youngest met me and wanted to go for a bike ride, so I changed my clothes and off we headed. We are so fortunate to live in our lovely little neighborhood. The homes were built after WWII and they are very sweet. It's also the only neighborhood that I know of in our town that has boulevards and massive oaks and maple trees. When I was little I always wanted to live in that neighborhood and eleven years ago my husband and I purchased a story and a half cape cod. All hardwood floors, built-ins, big back yard with flower gardens, a charming place to live. About half a mile from the house is a paved walking/biking path that wraps around the lake. We biked the big circle three times and as we came upon the lake the sun was shining it's brillance on the water and I realized that none of this would be happening if I was still drinking. This precious time with my children, laughing, biking, enjoying the gorgeous evening was only possible because of my HP and AA. It was a humbling moment for sure. I am grateful to my higher power, AA, and getting another chance. Life is precious.........

Finding my funny bone.....

When I first thought of not drinking every again a horrible thought occured to me, "I will never have fun again". Pathetic isn't it?! Yet I worried about social functions, being able to relax, striking up conversations and most of all having fun. Alcohol was such a big part of my life that I couldn't imagine doing these things without it. I was always the crazy one who would try anything. I remember being in a martini bar with some girlfriends sitting at a table in front of the bar, and I said, "Let's card all the young looking people as they come in"! So sure enough we did. And then I said "if they are organ donor, make sure the back of their license is signed" and we did get five people who had organ donor stickers on their licenses to sign the back. Plus it was hilarious the number of young people that turned around and left when we asked to see some ID. The place was packed so I don't know if the owner's knew what we were doing or if they just didn't care. So now I attend events, dinners, etc. clean and sober. I was nervous. The first dinner party I went to three weeks into recovery worked out well because my son was in a curling tournament so I left to go watch him, they were late getting on the ice because the tournament was not running on time, so I arrived back at the party just in time to leave. But being without my crutch made me feel I wasn't going to have a good time at these things. I would probably have a so so time and that would be it for the rest of my life. Well I was proven wrong. Last night our best friend's came to dinner at our house with their sweet daughter. And I found myself laughing out loud most of the night, in fact we had a lot of conversation and laughter around the dinner table, and I was sober. It then dawned on me that there is fun without alcohol. Good clean fun. You see I always wanted a party. To step things up. I always looked down on the kids in high school that didn't drink. They weren't cool enough to know how to have real fun. Well I wasn't cool enough to just have fun. Our society has glamorized drinking so much that it's as normal as brushing your teeth. It was so nice to sit and laugh, and clean up the kitchen and go to bed and not worry about waking up with a hangover. I'm finally realizing that the alcohol didn't make me, that I'm still the same funny, silly, fun person I always was and the best part about enjoying an evening with friends sober, is being able to remember it the next day.......

One of Gracie's favorites....

My daughter Grace and I laid in bed Saturday morning reading poetry. The book is well worn as it's one of my favorites too. She read me one of her favorite poems. She is seven and very wise. Enjoy........




HUG O' War

I will not play at tug o' war.
I'd rather play at hug o' war,
Where everyone hugs
Instead of tugs,
Where everyone giggles
And rolls on the rug,
Where everyone kisses,
And everyone grins,
And everyone cuddles,
And everyone wins.

"Shel Silverstein"

Good advice for us all! Happy Sunday and may your blessings be many.....

Flash 55 Friday

"Jack"

White fluffy hair
soulful brown eyes
four legs stretch
pink mouth yawns
Ribcage sighs in the
warmth of the sun.

Flies land, ears flicker
a rollover on the back porch
The sound of a car stopping
engine dies, doors slam
children running
Head raised, tail wagging
a greeting in the form of
a bark.

Wednesday wildness......

Yesterday my middle child had his full ortho consultation. You know where they talk about treatment, length of time, and how much it's going to cost. I took the afternoon off from work, raced through the grocery store (and forgot half the items I needed)ran into someone I know who lives with the mentality of "the glass is half empty" and after five minutes of hearing her complain I wanted to stick my head in with the frozen vegetables! So I just managed to get to my son's school (it's now 2:00) in the afternoon, grab him out of class and proceed to eat a sandwhich with one hand while driving to the orthodontist with the other. We arrive at the orthodontist and as we are walking into the waiting room I glance down at my blouse and see a piece of wilted lettuce hanging there like a name tag! My hopes of appearing as a hip happening mom are shot. Lettuce gets you no glory. So we meet and just a glance at the panoramic x-rays tells me we need to act fast. His cross bite is so bad that it's pushing the lower teeth forward. There's loss of gum tissue, and the roots have been weakened by all the pressure from the top teeth. Needless to say he gets his braces on Monday. He's excited. The above quote is from my grandma. When they came to visit she would always tell me this. I would roll my eyes because I was 15 and knew everything. But she was right, I will always be grateful for my straight teeth and beautiful smile. So after the ortho we headed to Michael's crafts to pick up a styrofoam ball and ring, because my son just mentioned that his Planet report was due tomorrow and he had to have a model of Saturn. We get the necessary supplies and head home. As we were carrying the groceries in my other two children arrived with my parents and their dog. I asked my oldest to mow the lawn before it rained. Meanwhile I have about 15 bags of groceries that I'm trying to unpack while everyone is standing around the kitchen talking to me at once while two small dogs are under my feet. Next my son comes in "the lawn mower sounds funny"...well did you check the gas?...comes in a few minutes later "gas is fine"...well go back out and mow...comes back again,"it still sounds funny"..did you check the oil?...comes back in again "it needs oil and we don't have any." So I head to the store and get some oil.
He puts the oil in and a few minutes later comes into the house, "it still sounds funny, it's going to blow up"...ok for a recovering alcoholic I'm starting to get a little frazzled in all the confusion. So with the patients of Job I look at my son and very calmly say, "For the love of God Alex, please go out and mow the lawn and until the lawn mower explodes do not come back in the house and tell me it sounds funny!" So out he goes followed by his brother and his sister who are very excited at the prospect that the lawn mower just might explode. I finish putting away the groceries, my parents head home, I make supper, and then my son and I begin work on Saturn. So here we are surrounded my numerous paints, the hairdryer so we can get the paint dried faster, wire, and styrofoam. Meanwhile I have to get the two youngest through the shower, get lunches packed, backpacks sorted, clean up the kitchen and unload the dishwasher. As my two youngest went off to bed I was left alone to assemble the rings around Saturn. My oldest appeared and said something that changed my whole perspective on the day ,"Gee mom you really have changed. You're in a total mess and not even bothered, before you would have been going crazy!" Yes, I thought, I have changed. The glass is no longer half empty for me, in fact my glass is full. Full of children, full or work, full of my husband, full of chores to be done, full of living life, full of my recovery. And for this I am eternally grateful. At this I can spread my beautiful smile for all to see...........

Life in "the middle"....

My life lately has been met with some odd things happening. Friday I walked into my kitchen hit the light switch and three of my lights went out at once. I was caught by surprise. Hmmmm so I headed downstairs to the fuse box and flipped some fuses, then ran upstairs to try again. No lights, and then I realized no microwave. Whatever happened blew the electrical in that wall. Well this is a problem since these are the lights that light the half of the kitchen my stove is on. So I found a lamp that would work and plugged it in by the stove. My husband is researching the problem. Then yesterday I was adding more water to the fountain when I looked up and found myself face to face with a morning dove. She has a nest in a window box of mine and after she left I stood on my tiptoes to see a tiny egg. She came back and has been there ever since. This has provided much excitement between my two youngest. They keep peeking out the window to see if she is there and they have made plans to take the nest to school for show and tell. Finally last night I was vacuuming the hardwood floors and the hose came off. Just broke off. So I ran around crouching down and holding the hose down so the vacuum would still suck up. This was rather difficult, but I was able to finish the job, even though it took me a few minutes to straighten up after running around like a hunchback vacuuming. For most people these things are no big deal, but for the alcoholic they can be the shoe lace that breaks sending you over the edge. I used to think these things were fate working against me. I took everything personal. Now I know they are just every day occurrences. I am excited about the dove and kind of honered that she chose our yard to have her baby in. The vacuum, well our whole house is hardwood so I'm thinking a little duck tape should fix it. As for the electrical I'm leaving that one up to my hubby. Life is not difficult...we make it difficult. At least I did. As I work through some of the resentments that I have, I use Byron Katie's method. I right down what bugs me, I write out the answers to the four questions, then I turn my original statement around. And guess what, it usually tells me that I'm the one with the issue. A lot of "stinkin thinkin". I create chaos, or situations, or make up what I think is happening. It's been a real eye opener, for I'm the one who needs to grow and change. So if it's lights, birds, or vacuums, it reminds me that my work will never be done. That growth is an ongoing process....

My least favorite character defect......

I know I've mentioned before that I'm competitive. But yesterday I found myself being petty because of it. I struggle to be always genuinely happy for people when things seem to be really going their way. It's about a couple that we know that good things seem to be happening to them a lot lately. It bugs me. Yes, I know that's petty but I'm shooting for the truth here. So I let it bother me all day yesterday. And you know my mind it starts racing on how I can have all these great things happen to me, and how I can one up them. This has been a wonderful trait that I have dealt with for years, but it left me crabby yesterday. I let it dictate my mood. I found by the afternoon I wasn't liking myself at all. So I slowly started changing my mood. Before I would have drank because then I would have felt better, like there might be control in it for me. But now I know what little if any control I have. One thing that helped was my husband and oldest son went to a movie. I put the two smaller children to bed, and then I took some time for me. By the time my husband got home I was in a much better frame of mind. I was reading in bed, and he came in and we talked, and he asked to see my three month coin, and I realized how stupid I had been. But I am glad I went through this yuky emotion because it made me aware of the fact that I can have emotions, that I can look at myself truthfully, and that I can get through it without alcohol and end the day on a better note than it started. That's growth for me. That and the fact that I'm not dwelling on it for days and days. Once again tools for living. I can honestly say this is one character defect that I am very ready for God to remove. It does not serve me well, and it gets me nothing. So lesson learned. I guess you can say it was a Mother's Day gift from myself, and who would have thought that a little growth could mean so much......