It's interesting when you practice the same behavior for years and years, then something changes and you don't realize it. I was talking to a friend of my on the way to work today and I was sharing with her that I felt off balance this week. Due to my oldest son's schedule, my meeting times have had to change. I miss my regular group of AA. I feel a bit displaced and out of sorts. Last night my daughter had a project due for school and I had a headache so I skipped a meeting. This really through me for a loop. It didn't dawn on me till later that what I was feeling was what I wasn't feeling anymore. The pent up tension, anxiety, nervousness, was gone. I had let go, and surrendered to God. I was off balance. I haven't felt like this in years. Almost like my muscles are weak, sort of a floppy, calm feeling. I have been asking God to help me surrender. To stop trying to be in control, and somewhere within the last 48 hours he did. I didn't notice at first because alcoholics rarely thrive on peace. We function in caos. It's like being in your body for the first time. Now that I've recognized it, I kind of like it. Like when you feel better after you give a big sigh. Which is funny, because when I was making dinner last night, I did just that: a big sigh, and my son said,"What was that big sigh for?" and I said, "I don't know I just felt like it." Sometimes I'm a little slow to notice what's going on around me. And since I rarely take care of me, I didn't have a clue as to what had happened. I'm glad it did. Letting go of the constant tug of war is fruitless. Nothing ever gets done. I have tugged on that rope for years and it feels awesome to let it go, just let it rip right out of my hands and sail into nothingness. But I'm sure glad God was there to catch me. The landing was so soft I almost didn't notice.
I love the subtleness of God, sometimes he's just like a feather, softly floating in our lives and working miracles. This is a whole new beginning...to the rest of my life!