Flash 55 Friday....

Hope

On my way out the door,
as I stopped to turn the key
I heard a sound of months
gone by, a tiny breast
upon a twig was singing
it's little heart in two.
I watched this private concert
and marveled at the repetoire of
that small fellow, filled with hope
that spring would come...


This happened yesterday, as I was trying to lock the door, while juggling, my purse, my lunch, and shooing the kids out the door. We are buried in snow, and yet for a brief few moments I was transported into a warm day in May by this sweet little bird, singing his heart out, to an unknown captive audience. God is good! Remember to set your clocks ahead, and have a wonderful weekend......

Uncovering, Discovering, and Discarding

"And now five, maybe six years have passed, and I made another discovery, which I believe to be the Great Discovery. When we make this discovery, the search is over and life begins-life isn't over, life just begins. Really! And this discovery was that I was never alone anymore. I had a God of my very own. And where I am, He is. I'm often by myself, but never alone. And this has been the way it's been ever since the discovery, and it's the way it was before the discovery. Because I hadn't been alone since my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. Now I believe that this program of ours, the Alcoholics Anonymous program, is a program of uncovering, discovering, and discarding. That's the AA program to me. Uncovering, Discovering, and Discarding." from the book A New Pair of Glasses by Chuck C


My good friend M whom I admire very much and have since my first day in AA borrowed me this awesome book called "A New Pair of Glasses". M often refers to parts of it and when I mentioned I was going to get me a copy he put his in my meeting locker at the club for me to borrow. It's a small book packed with wisdom from a recovering alcoholic. I loved the above paragraph. The intimacy in which he proclaims "I had a God of my very own". How much that God fills the void that was always trying to be filled with alcohol. Chuck C goes on to say what he believes is the biggest problem: "the greatest roadblock there is, the only one, as a matter of fact, the only roadblock there is between me and you and me and my God. And that's the human ego. The seat of all the obsessions of the mind. That's where they come from. It is also my total conviction that there is no possibility under Heaven to satisfy the human ego." When I read this, I felt like I had put on a "new pair of glasses", because even though I've made it a year, I have this nagging force that can stop me on a dime, and that is ego. When things go well or when they aren't going bad I tend to go on autopilot and think on my own. Bad, bad, bad, for me to go into my mind. I need to get in tune with my higher power. Part of it is just being in limbo. Last year I was going through the steps and the program filled me night and day. Now my sponsor has turned me loose and I feel like a kid standing in front of the extra curricular activities board trying to find my niche. A thousand possibilities and no sense of direction in which way to go. Things have been happening at work, feelings have been hurt, rules have been laid down and I am caught in the middle of it all. But I've also discovered I can do certain tasks even if they are not my favorite, I can do them well, and it's time to put on the big girl panties and deal with it. Tomorrow I need to get up and ask for strength, and walk through the day. Yesterday while shopping I ran into one of my fellow AA members and we stood in Target talking about the program. R has been sober for 21 years and he asked how my second year was going so far. I told him the truth, that it is different, that I'm incorporating program and living life on a daily basis. That I'm not totally sure if I know what I'm doing. He said, "well, you're not drinking and you're living life on life's terms. So you must know something...." it's always so good to talk to another alcoholic. He also told me that it just keeps getting better and better as the years go by. How it's so amazing how everything we did before was fueled with the reaction to drink, now it's fueled by survival. He told me about celebrating with sparkling cider at his son's wedding, how laughing and remembering is so much more rewarding than a buzz and a next day fog. It was good to run into him, it was good that M left the book in the locker. It is so good that "a God of my very own" looks out for me, even when I think nothing is going on, his plans for me are progressing forth. So this really is a program of uncovering, discovering, and discarding. Uncovering what hurt in the first place, discovering what a new reaction can do to change our lives, and discarding what we no longer need, and moving on. And if I really look at my life today, I guess I can truly say I'm right where I'm suppose to be.......

Flash 55 Friday....

Dreams

Once I was riding a bike
down four lanes of traffic,
I have visited homes
more than once, just a few
days ago I was in high school,
and if I'm lucky I get to see
people that have passed,
I can smell the fried eggs and bacon, and
see my grandma smile once more....




Lately I've had very vivid dreams. So real that I need to think about them upon wakening to make sure they weren't real events. I do love the one's with my grandparents, I miss them so much, and the ones that are all mixed because they are entertaining. However I did not want to go through high school again! :) Have a great weekend.....

Death and the long winter......

Strange title isn't it? We had two mice named Suki and Fergie. Sweet little white mice, sweet in nature, and fun as pets. A few weeks ago, Fergie passed, and not to have Suki all alone we adopted Clara and Lutcey. Well we knew Suki's time was short lived and we do believe she suffered a small stroke, for the last few days of her life she seemed to be paralyzed on one side. We came home last Thursday and Suki was stiff. Her tiny feet frozen in time, breathing no more. Grace was in full drama mode, running to the pantry, getting a zip lock bag, preparing to place her in the freezer chest with Fergie so we can have a proper buriel in the spring. As I sealed the bag and said good bye to our little friend, Grace insisted on being the one to place her in the freezer. I heart her telling Suki that she was healthy now, and that she would be with Fergie. I thinking that this was going to be a "teachable" moment was busy trying to think of words of wisdom that I could impress upon her. All of a sudden I heart her racing up the basement stairs shouting, "Mom, mom, look what I found! A can of frozen pink lemonade! Can we make it? Can we mom?" So much for wisdom and grief. I guess it doesn't take much to excite our family! :) Winter has been long. Piles of snow lay everywhere and it was below zero again this morning. No wonder people feel depressed. A person needs a certain amount of sunshine in their bones. Last night at the Master Gardener's class our lesson dealt with turf, and fertilizer. It was so hard to imagine the thick, green carpeted surfaces they spoke of. How I long for spring, for a patch of grass. Last year the winter flew by and in part I think because I was a newcomer into AA. There was so much to learn and do, and now this year, it's more quiet. I no longer meet with my sponsor unless I need to, and to tell the truth I haven't been hitting too many meetings due to schedule/sickness conflicts. I feel a big off balance and seem to be searching for the answer to show up right in front of my face. I don't deal with depression well, it just makes me want to sleep. So if any of you have a suggestion or to to beat the winter "blahs" let me know, I could really use a few right now......

What does your God look like?

At Thursday's "We are Not Saints" AA meeting, a good friend of mine talked about being asked by a newcomer :"what does your God look like". My friend said this question really through him for a loop. He didn't know how to answer and had a hard time explaining. He said he never really had thought what his God/HP looked like. It was more of a feeling, a presence but to put a visual to it was really stumping him. As the discussion went from person to person we each had our own interpretations of what we felt our God was like. To me I said part of the unknown went with belief. We are to believe in a power greater than ourselves. This power would do for us what we could not do for ourselves. I do not put a picture of what my God looks like. My God is a power, a presence, a feeling that goes with me wherever I go. My sponsor made an interesting point when she said as a girl growing up she always felt God was up, up in the sky, as many of us our taught. It wasn't until she came to believe in God through the program of AA that she realized God wasn't up in the clouds but right inside her heart. Her whole being encompasses her God. I love that image.If we are to have an intimate relationship with our God than it would make sense that we would want God as close to us as possible, not a million miles away. Another person spoke of finding God before he found the program of AA. He was serving time in jail, and that's when he gave his heart to God. It wasn't until months later that a couple of people came to the jail and asked if anyone wanted to have an AA meeting. He knew that God had designed it to be so, he was already filled with the Lord, the rest came easy. It was an awesome meeting. My whole live when I've been involved with churches and religion I always felt like people were trying to influence my thoughts, actions, beliefs, but being able to choose a God of my understanding helped me to take away the "untouchable" of God that I had been raised with. He was suddenly within reach, and I had to trust, and believe that he would walk every step of the way with me. What I didn't realize was that he had taken every step with me my whole life. Waiting patiently for me to get my act together, he must have gotten tired of waiting and decided to come and get me. How different my life was not so long ago. I now watch people actively drinking, the chaos, the pain, the control it has on their lives. I am at awe of the destruction it can lead to, and how people settle for this being the norm. I did for many years. Wasn't everyone leading this kind of mixed up life? What is normal. At one time I didn't have a definition of normal, now it's simplicity. I spent this past weekend finally getting our bedroom decorated and put back together. I choose many things that I felt really reflected the person I've become. I had no idea how they would all work together but they did. I put on some Norah Jones, and spent 12 hours working until it was all done. It's beautiful. Classy, soft, and a sanctuary from a busy life. Hubby got home from his weekend away and really likes it. It was a complete change from all that I used to have that I thought represented me. I have a good friend in AA that likes to say over and over "life works best when I just keep it simple". I couldn't agree more, I've noticed that life gets crazy when I don't keep it simple, and the same goes for my relationship with God. No I do not know what my God looks like. I don't have to. He resides within me, and I know what to do, and when I do what I need to do and keep it simple, my God comes shining through for everyone to see......

Gray day......

Gray day. Everything is gray, I watch but nothing moves today.....line from a book about colors by Dr.Seuss. He was brilliant, and all my children when they were little loved this book, and I still do. It is a gray damp February day. The snow has softened since it's dumping, and icicles hold little threat. This type of weather puts a chill in my bones that I can't shake. Not to mention that I've been relapsing with this sinus infection/cold. My Dr. had to extend the antibiotics I'm on since I have fluid in my ears, and then she had the audacity to tell me I needed more "rest". Ahhhhh rest, that is a quest I've been after for a while. Lately I haven't been getting much. Our furniture is still piled in the center of our room. I have no energy to pull the room together and instead of letting it drive me crazy I'm not going to worry about it until the weekend. I'll put on some Miles Davis and have at it. I think better when I'm alone with my "jazz". What is it about that music that settles the nerves, let's my mind ramble on no certain course, and makes my heart feel light. Probably since I was raised in such a traditional caucasion household. I liked jazz the first time I heard it. It was so unlike anything I had ever experienced. It had a beat, a rythmn all it's own. Like buzzying bees without a course. I am probably the only one in my family that loves it, but then again I have a huge Frank Sinatra collection, I love the trumpet, and then the blues. I listen to whatever Alex puts in front of me, and there are many talented artists out there today, but I like to stick with those I know. Sometimes I want to sing along to John Mayer's "Georgia" or croon with Frank's "One for my baby"....but music has always been one area in my life that I have always been true to. Sure I listened to the music that was "in" when I was in high school but I was never afraid to listen to whatever else I wanted too. I love me a good Ike and Tina "Proud Mary" and yet I can listen to George Winston's Summer CD and drift a million miles away. The other day it was delightful. I was the only one at home, painting away and listening to Chris Botti's "When I fall in Love". The music was loud and a freight train could have come through the house and I never would have noticed. I was at peace. One of the greatest gifts that the program of Alcoholics Anonymous has given me is that I appreciate the little things. A few stolen minutes alone with music, gray day or sunny, is a perfect way to pass the time.....

Buried.....

Mother nature opened up her doors and dumped a foot of snow on us! We are buried, the wind is whipping, and it's still snowing. Guess we just had a tease of spring and now it's back to reality. My hubby and I are redecorating our bedroom. A few years ago we tore out all the walls and made the top floor of our cape cod our entire bedroom. It's an awesome space, and for some reason I felt the need to recreate it. Now normally I would get an eye roll, or "not again" from the man but he must have sensed my urgency and wanting a whole new look. There was no objection. So I picked out the paint, the bedding, the accesories and we got to work this past Saturday. All the painting is done, and we both love the color. However due to our busy schedules I won't be able to pull everything together until this coming weekend. I guess the room, and the objects were things of my past. Pieces that I never wanted to part with, had suddenly become not important. I told my hubby I wanted to get rid of certain things and he agreed. Let's "do it"! This is shocking because he likes to argue over certain things. We gave some things away to people we knew would appreaciate them, and we stored others in the attic. AA has taught me the beauty of posessions just being that: material wants. I had no qualms looking through our stuff and letting go. A part of me realizes that I've had these things through all my drinking. I've outgrown them, they no longer represent the person I'm becoming. And since we are working on our marriage, why not start with a clean slate. Our bedroom should be our sanctuary, a place to talk, share, and spend quality time together. I think we are well on our way. We also had the treat of seeing Gaelic Storm in concert last night. It was sold out, but due to the terrible weather many did not make it, so when the show began we were able to get even better seats than what we purchased. My husband loves this band, and has seen them before at Irishfest. They were excellent. Our toes were tapping, our hands were clapping, and we were busy singing along. I had to note that most of the songs contained refrences to alcohol, lots of Guiness, and whiskey, but it didn't bother me. I know many recovering alcoholics would have been bothered by it, but I try to own my own disease. To not judge others if they are having a good time and alcohol is included. I'm the one with the problem, I don't know how to have just one. In order for me to exist in the present I need to be clean and sober. Just opening that door to escape for just a second could have me gone in an instant. During intermission we met up with some friends. They were having drinks, and my husband had a scotch and I had a diet coke. It was refreshing, and revamped my energy so I could whoop it up during the second half of the show. The drive home was messy, and visibility was almost zero. Hubby went to bed as he had an early day ahead, and my oldest and I watched a TV show together. As I snuggled down on the couch (fresh paint fumes give me terrible headaches) I was able to drift off into a peaceful sleep. Content with the fact that I am sober, that I can dream, and laugh, and have a great time alcohol free. To me that is a priceless posession worth keeping.....