Flash 55 Friday

G - "great" things can happen when we open ourselves to change

R - "remembering" our past keeps us from repeating it

A - "accepting" ourselves flaws and all

T - "truthful with our High Power and ourselves

E - "everyone" and "everything" has a purpose

F - "free" to make choices

U- "understanding" ourselves and others

L - "loving" & "living" life!


Just some of the things I have learned over the past few months...friends will be over to help celelbrate Alex's 16th. birthday this weekend, so we are looking forward to good food, good fun and lots of laughter on a summer evening. Hope you all have a memorable weekend.....

Firsts, and being ready........

First day of school today. Grace and Sam were up, dressed, had their beds made and were ready for school at 6:15am. Only problem being the doors don't open until 7:30. I love the first day of school. Everyone is nervous and excited, so willing to get up early....by next week I'll be dragging everyone out of bed by 6:45 and shouting orders like a drill sergeant! Expecially for the high school sophomore, who thinks ten minutes is plenty of time to get ready. As other parent's were walking their kids to the classrooms, mine informed me "You can just pull up mom, we know where our rooms are", so instead of being hurt, I just smiled and did what they asked. Gracie shot me a big smile and jumped into the van for a quick kiss before she slammed the door and took off after Sam. A new school year, a new beginning. How do you know when you are ready for something? Ready for school, ready for driving, ready for relationships, ready for life?! There's no signal, no universal nod that says "yep it's time". The reason I have been pondering this question is because I have a friend who is struggling with the "right time" to end a relationship with someone she cares about. She knows this relationship probably isn't the healthiest, but as most of us do she's looking at the good times, focusing on the time invested, wondering if she really wants to start all over. Someone who is close to her pointed out that she didn't have to do the action of breaking up right now. Before I would have rolled my eyes at this. What do you mean? You know the relationship isn't going well, too much control from the other person, you're getting yourself physically sick agnonizing over this....and on and on...Oh yea, I had an opinion about everything. Just as long as you would agree with me, and I didn't have to be objective. But since I've entered the program of AA and I stepped out of myself I have begun to realize "one size does not fit all". Not everyone is ready to do things at the same time. People need compassion, and understanding, and at times a moment or two to really think things over. I heard the anguish and pain, and fear in my friends voice. I wanted to give her a piece of advice but what? As I lay in bed last night the answer came to me, so after dropping the kids off at school, I called her on my way to work. I told her from my own experience that being ready was everything. "I knew I was an alcoholic six months before I ever walked through the doors of AA" I said. I wasn't ready, and by waiting, and becoming ready the program has gone well for me. I have seen a lot of people come and go since I've been in the program and many times I think it's because they weren't ready. Really ready to change, to know the truth, to walk an uneasy walk through the demons of life. Just because you "know" something doesn't mean you are ready to deal with it. My friend thanked me and said she felt it was sound advice. I can't take her pain away. I have enough of my own to deal with. But I can relate in a different way. And I do know for certain that being ready in my case , made all the difference........

Perspective

I accept myself completely.

I accept my strengths and my weaknesses,
my gifts and my shortcomings,
my good points and my faults.

I accept myself completely as a human being.

I accept that I am here to learn and grow,
and I accept that I am learning and growing.

I accept the personality I've developed,
and I accept my power to heal and change.

I accept myself without condition or reservation.

I accept that the core of my being is goodness
and that my essence is love,
and I accept that I sometimes forget that.

I accept myself completely, and in this acceptance
I find an ever-deepening inner strength.

From this place of strength, I accept my life fully
and I am open to the lessons it offers me today.

I accept that within my mind are both fear and love,
and I accept my power to choose
which I will experience as real.

I recognize that I experience only the results
of my own choices.

I accept the times that I choose fear
as part of my learning and healing process,
and I accept that I have the potential and power
in any moment to choose love instead.

I accept mistakes as a part of growth,
so I am always willing to forgive myself
and give myself another chance.

I accept that my life is the expression of my thought,
and I commit myself to aligning my thoughts
more and more each day with the Thought of Love.

I accept that I am an expression of this Love.

Love's hands and voice and heart on earth.

I accept my own life as a blessing and a gift.

My heart is open to receive, and I am deeply grateful.

May I always share the gifts that I receive
fully, freely, and with joy.

~~ Author Unknown ~~

I found this poem on the internet. It sums up how I've been feeling lately. Gone is the roar of uncertainty. Replaced by a quiet acceptance of me. It took 41 years to get here. I am grateful that it happened at all. I find myself laughing with complete abandonment, crying when I want to and being quiet and observing when I can. Life has changed, no it's not perfect, but it's mine, and I finally accept it........

Rewind......

The lake was beautiful. I did notice all the sumac and leaves that were starting to turn. Summer has a tired feel about her, even the heat seems to sigh and wants a rest. Came home early to get some things done. We organized the pantry, tried some new things, got the backpacks packed and ready for Thursday morning. My oldest was still gone so the house was quiet, and picked up for a change. That is until the phone calls that started happening when he got back in town "Mom, my phone is acting weird"
"Mom John might come over and Adam and Nathan too" "Mom what's for dinner?" "You need to grocery shop there's nothing in the house"....and on and on.....So last night I was greeted to a loud and noisy house when I walked in the door. I made dinner and called the boys up. Within seconds two boxes of hamburger helper and a pile of garlic bread disappeared. Not to mention a half gallon of milk. If you've ever seen locust attack..... afterwards I asked the boys to go sit on the back porch so I could take their picture. I had taken this picture before two summer's ago and wanted to shoot it again now that they are almost 16. If I was camera savvy you would see the picture but that might take a while. What I did notice is that these four boys had changed. Taller, looking more like men, shoulders more broad, and yet the smiles were still the same. Laughing, and enjoying life, what a sweet age to be 16. So much changes, and yet so much stays the same. What isn't staying the same is my schedule. I've expressed my panic about the school year on more than one occasion, and I was pondering the definition of insanity (doing the same thing over and over expecting different results) when it dawned on me that God gave me a brain, and initiative, I don't have to be the victim, I can set events in motion with my HP by my side. So I thought about it, I prayed about it and I approached my boss about it. I wanted to change my work schedule. Last year I took over an hour out of my work day to pick the kids up, take them home and them come back to work for an hour. This was a lot of driving around, time taken away from being productive and added to my confusion. So I asked if I could work 7 until 2:30. That way I could pick up my kids and be done for the day. I would have extra time for helping with homework, and my oldest wouldn't have to worry about joining clubs or sports anymore. I had to sell the idea, but yesterday afternoon I got the approval. Yea, my two youngest were thrilled, and my oldest is busy looking into what else he can join. This will also make my life easier. I can get dinner done earlier, homework help accomplished earlier, the stress of lack of time won't be so impending. A year ago I never would have asked for this. I wouldn't have thought enough of myself to realize how far I've come in my program. I guess this is where people "will go to any length for their sobriety". I'm starting to settle in to a more quiet, peaceful feeling on the inside. I'm not willing to throw that all away just because school is starting. Rewinding to a year ago, well it makes me shudder. I can't fully close the door on the past, it keeps me grounded as I need to learn from it. However I don't have to repeat it. I'm looking forward to the new school year. This is the first in a long time! So bring it on baby, show me what you got.....

Flash 55 Friday

Side Notes

You caught my eye the other day,
You probably didn't think I would notice.
The subtle pop of color,
Bright orange is hard to disguise.
I couldn't help but wonder
if you're mocking me!
Reminding of summer's expiration date.
Gutsy for someone who stands among
the "nonliving", and soon will display
the splendor of autumn.....


Near the neighborhood we live in is located a large cemetary. It runs a few city blocks long and is filled with big huge old oak and maple trees. In the fall many people walk through there to enjoy the autumn colors. The other day I noticed that one of the maple trees is already changing colors. In a sea of green is this bright spot of orange. The air is cooler at night with a hint of sharpness. Although the days are warm fall is lingering and isn't so far away.....hope you all have an awesome weekend. I've packed some books and the kids and I are headed to the cottage for some r & r.....

Wednesday Wisdom....

God's Wheel by Shel Silverstein

GOD says to me with a kind
of smile, "Hey how would you like
to be God awhile And steer the world?"
"Okay," says I, "I'll give it a try.

Where do I set?
How much do I get?
What time is lunch?
When can I quit?"

"Gimme back that wheel," says GOD.
"I don't think you're quite ready YET."

I came accross this poem by Shel Silverstein and I know I've read it before but today it made me laugh out loud. My daughter said, "what's so funny?" I replied, "this poem! Can you imagine God taking a lunch break from the world to say eat a peanut and butter jelly sandwich?" she thought about it for a minute and said, "I think God would have a hot dog on a bun". We also added chips and a soda for God. He doesn't have to watch his sugar and carbs and he'll need his energy to run the world. It's funny but when you are so wrapped up in yourself, such as alcoholics are you never realize that God takes second seat to you. I was so busy screwing up my own life, pleading for help and forgiveness that it never dawned on me that he was waiting for me to get out of the way! I always wanted that wheel. The wheel of control that is. What's ironic is I had zero control. I remember a few days into AA when at a meeting they were talking about how selfish this disease is and I was thinking," selfish? Come on I do everything for everybody, I sacrifice myself all the time, I, I, I,....and then my cheeks got red for I realized just how selfish I was. It takes a great leap of faith to let go of the wheel, and let God drive. I still want to reach out now and then and steer or give God directions and like my husband I'm sure he doesn't appreciate my meddling in his driving. The point being that we aren't now or ever going to be ready to drive! We need to be the passengers, let God steer us in the direction he wants to go. When I do that I notice just how smooth the ride is. When I try to drive I almost always get lost. Just my thoughts for the day, and now I'm going to go get a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, or maybe the hot dog and chips.....

Affirmation.....

Did you ever have those days when you lift your head up off the pillow and it feels like it weighs 50lbs.? I did this morning. Sleeping with the windows open last night filled my head with gook. I awoke with pressure on my sinuses, red eyes, and scratchy throat. Needless to say the first look in the mirror was rather frightening this AM! I'm feeling a bit better but my eyes are still sore. But at least it wasn't from drinking! Last night I attended the "Daily Reflections" meeting. I love the intimacy of this meeting. It's held at a small local church and I enjoy the eclectic group of people that meet there. The reading dealt with the eighth step, damages we have caused, making amends and how alcohol had changed us. I often think alcohol is a quiet thief, choosing it's victims carefully. I guess as I think back I was a pretty easy target. Emotional, wanting to help the world, always going to save everybody, never taking care of myself etc. I bet alcohol took one look at me and said,"Uh-huh there's a sucker if I've ever seen one!" When I first started drinking I was silly and fun. There was a lightness to it. A "buzz" atmosphere. Drinking socially with our friends was fun too. We had some great times. Where alcohol turned on me is when I let it get to know me too well. When it saw how vulnerable I was it moved right on in. Drinking alone. Needing a drink to calm my nerves, then another because I wasn't calm enough, and then another, and another. What I didn't see was the weight I was putting on, the depression I was sliding into, the urge to sleep during waking hours, isolation. I stopped meeting friends out, avoided people I would see at a distance in the store, I even started communicating less with my parents. For a while my husband and I would have some terrific fights but in the end as my emotions disappeared one by one I gave up trying to fight. My soul was gone, sold out. People have said to me, "well at least you never got a drunk driving, or you didn't loose everything, or cheat on your husband, or hurt someone". Excuse me? Didn't hurt someone? Loosing your soul, your ability to care is like spraying shrapnel around a room full of people. Open your eyes and you'll see who you hurt. I let my children only get so close to me, I made my husband feel unloved, I sure wasn't a partner in any sense of the word. I became a crappy friend, because it was too much effort to go the distance, and I became an ashamed daughter because I no longer knew how to cope. Most of all I hurt myself. Any dignity or self worth, or accomplishments I threw out the window. I devalued myself as a person. You don't need physical evidence to display hurt. Emotional pain is devestating. It robs you daily until you stop. I remember when all those emotions came bubbling up to the surface. I felt like they were going to fly out of my being and drown me. It was physically painful to experience them all at once. I was crying, and wanted to scream and wanted to run and hide, and cry some more, and laugh. In other words it was crazy. But they were back and this time there was no alcohol to chase them out the door. What was interesting is that four of us ladies sat next to each other last night and we all had similar stories, just taking from one and adding to it. I heard what I had been wanting to hear for a long time: affirmation. People talked about doing the exact things I had done, that it took years to fix their marriages, their relationships, their souls. And I had been trying to get it all done in a year. I started to relax, and listen to the stories, and relate, and learn. Learn to take it slow. To just focus on my recovery and let God take care of the rest in his time. I left feeling validated. I'm on the right track, I just need to slow down the speed. For everything there is a purpose, for everything a season, for everything a time. So I left and headed home. Was greeted by my two youngest whom I hadn't seen the whole day. They were full of stories, and happenings . As they finished their baths, and settled down for the day, I came upon my oldest painting a cermic bust of Nephrititi. He had been working on her head for hours. Very patiently, very intently. His long fingers holding the brushes lightly, knowing that each stroke has value, and for once I didn't fail to see the metaphore of life. For everything there is a season, for everything there is a purpose, and it all takes time......