Affirmation.....

Did you ever have those days when you lift your head up off the pillow and it feels like it weighs 50lbs.? I did this morning. Sleeping with the windows open last night filled my head with gook. I awoke with pressure on my sinuses, red eyes, and scratchy throat. Needless to say the first look in the mirror was rather frightening this AM! I'm feeling a bit better but my eyes are still sore. But at least it wasn't from drinking! Last night I attended the "Daily Reflections" meeting. I love the intimacy of this meeting. It's held at a small local church and I enjoy the eclectic group of people that meet there. The reading dealt with the eighth step, damages we have caused, making amends and how alcohol had changed us. I often think alcohol is a quiet thief, choosing it's victims carefully. I guess as I think back I was a pretty easy target. Emotional, wanting to help the world, always going to save everybody, never taking care of myself etc. I bet alcohol took one look at me and said,"Uh-huh there's a sucker if I've ever seen one!" When I first started drinking I was silly and fun. There was a lightness to it. A "buzz" atmosphere. Drinking socially with our friends was fun too. We had some great times. Where alcohol turned on me is when I let it get to know me too well. When it saw how vulnerable I was it moved right on in. Drinking alone. Needing a drink to calm my nerves, then another because I wasn't calm enough, and then another, and another. What I didn't see was the weight I was putting on, the depression I was sliding into, the urge to sleep during waking hours, isolation. I stopped meeting friends out, avoided people I would see at a distance in the store, I even started communicating less with my parents. For a while my husband and I would have some terrific fights but in the end as my emotions disappeared one by one I gave up trying to fight. My soul was gone, sold out. People have said to me, "well at least you never got a drunk driving, or you didn't loose everything, or cheat on your husband, or hurt someone". Excuse me? Didn't hurt someone? Loosing your soul, your ability to care is like spraying shrapnel around a room full of people. Open your eyes and you'll see who you hurt. I let my children only get so close to me, I made my husband feel unloved, I sure wasn't a partner in any sense of the word. I became a crappy friend, because it was too much effort to go the distance, and I became an ashamed daughter because I no longer knew how to cope. Most of all I hurt myself. Any dignity or self worth, or accomplishments I threw out the window. I devalued myself as a person. You don't need physical evidence to display hurt. Emotional pain is devestating. It robs you daily until you stop. I remember when all those emotions came bubbling up to the surface. I felt like they were going to fly out of my being and drown me. It was physically painful to experience them all at once. I was crying, and wanted to scream and wanted to run and hide, and cry some more, and laugh. In other words it was crazy. But they were back and this time there was no alcohol to chase them out the door. What was interesting is that four of us ladies sat next to each other last night and we all had similar stories, just taking from one and adding to it. I heard what I had been wanting to hear for a long time: affirmation. People talked about doing the exact things I had done, that it took years to fix their marriages, their relationships, their souls. And I had been trying to get it all done in a year. I started to relax, and listen to the stories, and relate, and learn. Learn to take it slow. To just focus on my recovery and let God take care of the rest in his time. I left feeling validated. I'm on the right track, I just need to slow down the speed. For everything there is a purpose, for everything a season, for everything a time. So I left and headed home. Was greeted by my two youngest whom I hadn't seen the whole day. They were full of stories, and happenings . As they finished their baths, and settled down for the day, I came upon my oldest painting a cermic bust of Nephrititi. He had been working on her head for hours. Very patiently, very intently. His long fingers holding the brushes lightly, knowing that each stroke has value, and for once I didn't fail to see the metaphore of life. For everything there is a season, for everything there is a purpose, and it all takes time......

Old habits die really hard.....

It's happening again. The August "fear" has set in. I thought I was doing so good! Handling everything quite well for the last few weeks until I started waking up in the middle of the night with my jaw locked tight. I've suffered with bad TMJ on the right side of my jaw and it's so scary to wake with it locked tight because the only way to unlock it is to get it back to where it was and yikes that is painful. It has happened four days in a row. So my mind starts to analize everything and I'm searching for clues as to why I'm stressing and grinding my teeth during the night. Then it dawns on me. I've mentioned this before but August is a month that unnerves me. Summer is quickly fleeting, the days are getting shorter, school is fast approaching, schedules, checks, necessities, time frames, etc....and before you know it my mind is in a full blown panic of survival mode. I was thinking I was going to just coast through August this year and glide into September because my tools for living where going to make everything better. What I didn't realize is the power of the mind. All along these tiny little messages of doubt have been creeping in. "you're going to get overwhelmed", it's too bad your husband can't help out more", just wait for winter sports time, things will really get crazy", how are you going to work, cook, do homework etc?" Do you really think you are capable of handling a school year smoothly"! All these doubts have started to erode my self-confidence fast. I've been internalizing and now it's starting to show. So as I was laying in bed wide awake watching the ceiling fan whir round and round last night I needed to devise a plan. "Ok God, here's the deal, I have another school year fast approaching. I'm the team captain during the week and have backup help on the weekends. I tend to get overwhelmed. I need to stay focused, to keep the team motivated and most of all I need your help Lord. I can't do this alone." Then it came to me, I don't have to. I can do this with the help of God. With the help of my sponsor, my family, my AA peeps, my blogger peeps, friends, etc....I'm not the same person I was six months ago. I'm aware, I'm living life on life's terms, and I'm not throwing in the towel and retreating back to my leather chair with a glass in hand. I can do this, I've done this while I was drinking and survived, just think what I should be able to do now that I'm not drinking. I made a promise, to set up barriers, and say no when I want to. To not overschedule, and to keep things simple. Since spelling is a major road block for my kids, I'm requesting their sheets ahead of time so we can work at it more on the weekends. I will take care of myself, my program, and my family without drowning in the sea of life. Most of all I will put those little voices of doubt in my God box. He will take care of them while he's taking care of me. I laid awake a little while longer and listened to my husband snoring before drifting off to sleep. As the alarm went off my hand shot to the right side of my face, only to find a relaxed jaw. So I said "thank you" to God and started my day. Doubt, fear, and uncertainty kept me drinking before. They will not do it again, but I was reminded of how fast they could. So good-bye doubt, I do believe I tossed you in the lake a few months ago. So sorry you felt the need to visit but as usual you over stayed your welcome so don't let the door hit you in the back on your way out.........

Flash 55 Friday

Games

You did it again!
I wasn't expecting
to feel your tap,
while I had a mouthful
of toothpaste rendering
me mute.
I caught the note of pleasure
in your voice and listened
to the peels of laughter
and bubbling giggles
coming from your room.
Now I have the "cheese touch"
Until unsuspecting, I tag you!



Ever since we watched "Diary of a Whimpey Kid" the other night my middle child Sam has been terrorizing me with the "cheese touch". He manages to tag me when I'm washing my face, or putting contacts in, etc. in other words when he has enough time to run before I can tag him back. I find myself looking over my shoulder quite a bit, and being the one who has the "cheese touch" is worth it when I hear him laughing to himself in the other room :) Have an awesome weekend........

Birthday Girl

Today is my daughter Grace's eighth birthday! The above picture was taken by my bestie when we were vacationing up north. It really displays her spirit and vitality towards life. Her spirit is well captured on her face. When she was a toddler she was such a peanut but she could scamper up great big slides at the park and zoom down to the bottom fearless. She's still adventurous but now I notice small fears creeping in, like the fear of storms, and the dark. I was eight too when my "summer of worry" started. We had moved into our new house and just down the railroad tracks a few blocks was a river and my middle brother and his friends would fish there all day long and I was always worried they were going to drown. I would run down the tracks a few times a day to spy on them and make sure they were ok. I just about drove my mother nuts that summer. She still reminds me of it now and then, but now we laugh at the memory. My daughter has requested tacos for dinner, and cake and ice cream of course. My oldest son's two best buddies will be there too as she has grown up with them and they are like big brother's to her. Grace shares this day with her Auntie Julie, and I must give a shout out to Julie not just for her birthday but for loosing 25 plus pnds. on Weight Watchers. She looks and feels great! You go girl! My husband took our two youngest to meet their teacher's today. Each teacher meets with the student and parents for a half hour to discuss the upcoming school year. Our children attend a parochial school and both have awesome teacher's this year. We are very blessed with our children's education. Two weeks from today is the first day of school. I'm trying to use what I have learned from my program and apply it to the upcoming year. I have some limitations such as I am the only parent available at night, and I have to do a lot of schedule flipping to accomodate sports and activities but in the past I was so overwhelmed that I felt like I was treading water, and barely keeping above the surface. I have now learned to say "no". This can be hard to say when you are a people pleaser. I've also learned not to feel guilty because I'm a full time working mom. My family depends on two incomes plus I carry all the insurance. I used to struggle with guilt about working for years, but my best friend said to me, "I look at it this way, my husband and I are partners, and working helps me do my part in the partnership". Yes, Leener I remember when you said that to me. Families aren't cheap even when you cut out extra's and at the rate my kids are growing even Goodwill is starting to get expensive (lol) but seriously I think I now realize that I have spent a great portion of my life justifying, apologizing, feeling guilty, and the bottom line is it's nobody's business but mine and my husband's. I don't have to explain anything to anybody but him. How freeing is that? I like working, I like helping people. Sure there are days when I'm drowning in paperwork and red tape but all in all I don't mind working. It is a partnership. I will get out what I put into it. I wish I could have all that time back that I wasted being concerned by what other people thought but at least I don't have to fall victim to what I think other people think is important. I admire mother's whether they work at home or outside of the house. Motherhood isn't for sissies. It requires dedication, trial and error, flying by the seat of your pants, playing fixer, healer, and judge. But it shouldn't require an explanation if you do the best with what you have. Did my kids miss out without me being at home all the time? I don't know, and I'm not going to dwell on it. I have a busy year fast approaching and for once instead of just trying to survive it, I would like to live it, enjoy it, and be in the midst of it, chaos or not. So I guess we can't stay fearless forever but once in a while it doesn't hurt to have a little fearlessness in our attitude. The above picture doesn't need an explanation it's pure in the best of forms. Sometimes we just need to throw our arms into the air and embrace life as it comes. Happy Birthday my sweet, sweet shmoopsy poo.....I love U!

Some very cool things......

First, headache is gone. When they finally leave I feel like doing cartwheels because it just feels so good to be pain free. The refrigerator is in my kitchen as we speak. My hubby called and said it looks great, so that's a "cool" thing to come home to! And of course the weather is not cool! Another day of high humidity, dew point, and temps. with storms tonight. Which means my daughter will be trying to crawl under my skin since she has this new found terror of storms. The boys like their father just sleep right on through them but Gracie panicks. A friend asked me the other day what I thought were some of the best benefits from AA. I had a million answers but one that sticks out in my mind is that I now have the ability to be genuinely happy for someone else. I was a pretty envious person when good things happened to people other than myself and now I find myself grinning ear to ear in sincere happiness at the good fortunes of others. I also smile and laugh way more than I used to. An inside roar has been replaces with a quiet peace. Do I still have problems? yep, do I still need to tackle character defects, and make ammends? Yep, but that quiet feeling is constant even when my life gets a little more than crazy. A hole has been filled. A piece of the puzzle that was missing for so long has been found. I have said this before and I'll say it again, but this program has been like waking up in the middle of my life. I woke up, had this great life, looked at God, and God said, "Here take responsibility and start living this life". I wanted this life I have (accept for the alcoholism) but I didn't want to take ownership of it. I was too overwhelmed. Besides I didn't deserve a better life. What? There it is the magic link to much joy: Self Worth! Last night Grace, Sam and myself watched the movie :Diary of a Whimpey Kid". Sam loves the book and I found the movie hilarious! But what I could appreciate the most was the message of not buying into what society tells us we have to be, just be yourself and let people like you for who you are, not what you are trying to be. If you haven't seen the movie, I can tell you adults like it as much as the kids do. So go get the movie, pop some corn, and settle down for a trip from the past...or present whichever way you want to look at it.......

Monday Madness......

Madness my peeps because I have another severe headache. I have suffered with headaches since I was 17. I have to take a beta-blocker twice a day and have migraine medication when it gets bad. Well guess who didn't get her's refilled and had to suffer most of the weekend? yep, me, so the most I could do was dull it enough to go about my day. And mother nature is hot, humid, and steamy which really makes my temples pound. So I called the pharmacy this morning and I'll pick it up on lunch. At Saturday's meeting my sponsor presented me with my six month chip. She's an awesome lady who always gives me enough rope to hang myself, then reels me in and gives me a soft place to land. We enjoy working together and she will celebrate 21 years this Saturday. It's an honor to have her by my side during this journey. After the meeting I was taking with a lady who remembers the first night I walked through those doors. I told her I remember her saying to me, "I wish you could feel how awesome I feel", and now I've experienced some of that awesomeness too! We had a young lady who was there for her first time on Saturday. She was wide eyed and just trying to take it all in. I wish there was a way to give new comers a sneak peek into the future, so they could see the promises at work. It would keep them coming back. After I got home on Saturday, I gave my coin to my husband. For walking these first six months with me. It's been a series of ups and downs, but even on it's worst day it's no where near what it was last year at this time. My two youngest and I went shopping for school shoes and supplies. They were very excited about the shoes. Grace wanted the black Converse high tops that only came in boys sizes but settled on pink Converse tennies as she thought they were a bit more girly. Sam picked out some awesome shoes, and we managed to survive the nuthouse Target was and finished with school supplies. We finished the evening at my bestie's house with a delicious dinner. And after a few snags, we are finally getting the frig. tomorrow. We had a call on Friday that we might have to wait for 3 or more weeks, but they were able to give us the floor model and deliver even earlier than what was scheduled. Thank goodness because the current frig. is really just hanging on by a thread. My oldest has finished his job at the fair. He had a blast and is very darkly tanned. I think he is looking forward to sleeping in on Tues, and we all are just trying to survive this heat. Since we have no control over it, I'm trying to focus on other things, like my daughter's upcoming birthday, and registering them for school tomorrow. So Monday is full of madness, mainly my madness at this stupid headache but it's also filled with good things, and isn't that the way life should be? Balanced.......

Flash 55 Friday

Vacate

It's been six months
since I left you.
Done with your lies
and empty promises.
Your charms no longer
seduce me, your myths
no longer convincing.
Now I drink in the
rays of the sun, smile
at my children's laughter,
and warm to my lover's touch.
For now I breath in the
decadence of life.......



Today is my six month anniversary in AA. If "you will be amazed before you are halfway through" I am. My life has changed so drastically in the last six months. There are times when that darkness seems so far away and then I will get a subtle reminder of how fast it can come back. Today I am grateful for getting the chance to wake up in the middle of my life, and knowing I can choose to life the other half differently and sober......

(the "lover" of course is my husband just to clarify :)