Monday, February 7, 2011

Roommate or Soul mate?

I've been thinking about the discussion my friend and I had the other night over my cake. And of course my alcoholic mind has to unravel and unravel the thread over and over. I've been avoiding the shambles of our marriage for sometime. First of all in my defense I was all ready to tackle it last year, but was told by my sponsor to just concentrate on recovery, that it wasn't going to be possible to figure myself out and work through 17 plus years of intimacy problems. She was right, I took one look at my marriage, got overwhelmed and stuck my head in the sand. Now it's time to "suck it up buttercup" and deal with it. So I took a much needed and cringing look down memory lane at one failed relationship after another and I came across a rather enlightening discovery: I don't know how to have a relationship. I have always been approval hungry so as soon as I would meet someone, I would give my heart away and then turn into whatever that person wanted. I would trade in all my ideals, never set boundaries and before I knew it, I was being left with another broken heart. So by the time I met my husband I had no clue on how to have a give/take relationship. He was so nice so I took, and have been taking ever since. Briefly early on in our relationship I let go and was truly myself, it was a wonderful time, but then the old fear of being hurt crept back in, and I started to get scared, and I started shutting and locking one door after another to my heart. I know this sounds awful but it was the only survival mechanism I knew. As you can imagine it has been a long tough road for us as a couple and add in alcoholism and it spells disaster. Near the end of my drinking we were barely able to speak to one another without a blow up. Like two strangers living in the same house, there wasn't a whole lot left. But alcoholism is a selfish disease and so is the recovery. Not that there weren't many good times over the years, and we do have three great kids, it's just we've grown apart. So I've had to do a lot of praying that my husband would wait this past year, and he has. He also got to see me complete a year of sobriety, and the dust has settled between us. There's an easiness that wasn't there before. A mutual respect that I thought was gone forever. So now begins another journey for me. To get to know the man I love, to open my heart, to learn to trust, and to become a soul mate rather than just a roommate. I'm nervous, scared, excited, and overwhelmed all at the same time. But like my program I want to take it one day at a time, my HP will be with us, and I hope you will say an extra prayer for us as well. So here goes, time to roll up my sleeves and get to work......


  1. you got them....and it is a journey, one day at a time, but be sure to enjoy it...

  2. What a truly exciting story of another facet of AA recovery 'beginning'...for the 12 Steps of AA are not there to teach us how to not drink--but rather how to LIVE, happily, with others. And how to recover from all these other parts of the disease alcoholism, one at a time, one-day-at-a-time!

    Blessings, you help many when you publish this kind of post, including the author of FOURTH! GOOD blog! PEACE!

  3. Good for you. Give it all you got and just see what unfolds.

  4. Well you may appreciate the fact that I'm sorta going through the same thing, and I'm at almost 3 years so I appreciate that you're willing to look at it and experience it at 1 that's fantastic! (I've spent the last year and a half avoiding the obvious)

    I had two great recommendations 1 from sponsor (a book called The Rules for Marriage by Ellen Fein) and one from a great spiritual advisor (GO BACK TO ALANON JESSIE! Alanon is all about relationships, like AA but different. Not a command or even a suggestion, through some soul searching with contemplations that he gave he helped me to realize what I already knew was the next step but just couldn't surrender to... STUBBORN and full of fear!

    I come from a family riddled with alcoholism from generations back and I live with another recovering alcoholic (I participate in service with and to alcoholics all the time)

    Since I tend to have those approval seeking and people pleasing tendencies (problems) and then try to exert control in those areas because (HELLO)that's what I do when stuff looks askew to me (LOL) I find that I am restless, irritable and discontent in my closest relationship because the relationship doesn't look or feel "right" to me. And I'm scared, scared to change, scared to look at it too closely because I already have doom in mind (I've got two failed marriages to prove my inabilities and people tell me my reasoner is broken and since i reasoned that marriage in the midst of my disease ... well you know "the mind reels" (I say with my best holly go lightly impression) ... and somehow I'm just sick enough to have stayed wondering (wandering) for 2 years in avoidance was the answer. Not total avoidance, I've learned great lessons along the way, I've taken loving action, I've learned patience, I've learned to wait for God to relieve my fear, I've learned prayer and submission, so many things thanks to AA!

    I'm coming to accept and believe that I'm at the beginning of a new journey, a new fork in the trudge and I'm kinda relieved honestly. :oP

    Can't wait to see what God has in store for you next!!! :)

  5. Wow, I could have written this post. In fact, I was debating on writing one on my marriage this week. Its been a rough time, I think more at the hands of me alone though.

    I commend you for taking the steps to make it right!!

  6. It seems many of us are alike. I am praying for you guys, we here as a couple began this a few months back. Isn't it amazing that our spouses have waited? Mine says it isn't....that it was a logical decision. I so won't look at it if the roles were reversed, instead I am grateful and working hard.

    Blessings my friend.

  7. It took us a while to get back into a comfortable feeling with each other. We were both angry and the first year of recovery was hard for both of us. I had a lot of resentment and so did she. Now we have a lot of respect for each other, love is still very much there, and we are more at ease. No more eggshells to walk on which is a vast improvement.