One year....

Today I celebrate a year of sobriety. Today is also my birthday. I can tell you waking up 42 and sober was incredible. Due to my husband's flu I slept on the couch in order to let him have the entire bed for comfort. I got up, was greeted by Grace and Sam, got ready, had breakfast at the Alano club and headed to a meeting. My sponsor had to work today so we celebrated at yesterday's meeting. The one year medallion she gave me is beautiful. Gold, with dark blue, mother of pearl. One of my fellow AA's said it was the most beautiful one he has ever seen. What a great feeling to hold the weighty coin in your hand and realize how much your life has changed in just one year. Last night I met a good friend of mine in AA for a special cake. We share a love for German Chocolate cake and this person had a very special bakery make me the most adorable small German chocolate cake I have ever seen. Beautifully decorated with a perfect number one. We sat for hours and talked, ate cake and drank decaf. One of the things we talked about is where do I go from here. I mean really the first year was easy, now I have to live what I have learned. This is scary and exciting all at once. I need to get to know my husband again. I've spent the last year finding myself, now I need to ask him how he's feeling, what he needs. I haven't been the wife he deserves for the last 17 years but for the grace of God he is still here, and it's time to make my living amends to him. I hope to sponsor someone else so I can give my experience, hope and strength to someone new. It's like the smoke has cleared and the horizon lies ahead of me, what an incredible view. A year ago I was filled with fear, despair, and anxiety, and by the end of my drinking I couldn't even feel those. I came to AA an empty vessel. Years of trying to fill a black hole with liquor had left me broken. Those first few weeks were a blur, months of hard work, tears and pain that had been buried for years. It wasn't until this past November that I began to feel peaceful. I finally understood the word serenity. My life isn't perfect, nor would I want it to be. But I am calm in the midst of the storm. My friend told me last night that I even look different physically. Gone are the black circles, the tight anxiety filled face. I now smile even with my eyes, and my laughter is genuine. It was a morning of celebration and stories at the club, but when the meeting started all I could focus on was the young man sitting across the room from me. He is 17 years old, an alcoholic/addict. To try and get the message to him, that there is so much more life in sobriety than there is in using was all I wanted to do. He reminded me of my own son, how fragile life is, how this disease does not discriminate. It hits all races, genders, ages. I am thankful for all that I have but I get reminders like this morning on a regular basis of how fast it could all disappear. I told him the best advice I got was to get a sponsor. It makes a huge difference when you have someone with experience to walk the distance with you. To guide you, to grow with you, and to tell you when it's time to fly. My sponsor told me the other night, we are almost done working together, that we can still meet and talk when we need to but not the weekly meeting that we've done for almost a year. Instantly I started to feel a little fear and panic. She must have sensed this because she leaned across the table and said, " I have to set you free. You have the wings, now I want to see if you can fly"....In my heart I know I'm ready too, I just need to take the jump, and trust as I have done that my higher power, and the program will give me enough wind to keep me afloat. I can't thank all of you fellow bloggers enough for your support, your wisdom, and the strength you've given me. You are all a very important part of my recovery. So now it's up to me, time to take a deep breath and fly.......:)