Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Monday night meetings always bring a diverse group. As I was walking up the sidewalk I spied my friend. He had come into the program three weeks before me, and since we are near the same age, have young kids, and our sponsors are friends we kind of felt a closeness. A few months ago his wife wanted to further her career and he decided to become a stay at home dad. We go to different meetings so I haven't seen him in two months, so I was so glad he was there. We hugged and I said, "Hey you, you must have hit your six months by now!" His smile faded, and his eyes fell from mine, quietly he whispered, "No, last Friday night I relapsed, so now I get to start over". A thousand thoughts ran through my head but then I smiled and said, "you're here tonight and that's all that matters". His eyes met mine and slowly the smile began to spread accross his face. We walked into the meeting and it was a great discusssion. All about making amends for the right reasons, not because you want to fulfill your selfish motives, or ego. This is the step I am currently working on. When I first began the step I thought,"this isn't so bad, I mean most of my life is still in tact and really I don't have a long list of people to make amends with". That was my thought process until my sponsor pointed out that the people I did need to make amends to would be done through a living amends. Some of these people are my husband, my children and my parents. It would be done by growing, changing, giving, sincerity etc...I then she dropped another bomb in my lap. I also need to make an amends to myself. What? How do I do that! By valuing myself. Taking care of myself. Making better choices, working with my HP to remove character defects. By opening up my mind, accepting what I can't, changing what I can, and of course having the wisdom to know the difference. Yep, there it was. No letter, no big formal apology, just saying I'm sorry, and getting to work. Not so easy after all. I could have been discouraged by all of this but instead I realized that the process had already begun. I had entered AA and I was already making an amends to myself. Acceptance, love and tolerance, the three greatest gifts one can give to oneself.....have you given these to yourself lately?