Monday, May 24, 2010

Hot sticky Monday.....

It was very hard to get out of bed this morning. Our weather has been warm and is now hot. The dewpoint is higher than the humidity and it is near 90 so when you open the door to go outside you are immediatly assaulted with the heat. I have had a very bad headache off and on for three days. My sleep is restless and the constant throbbing in my head is driving me nuts. However there is an up side to this, at least this headache is natural not self-induced. It's nice to know I didn't create this one with drinking. Plus my flower gardens are exploding in this "greehouse" atmosphere. My children are in their last week of school, are already tan from playing outside and are looking forward to the holiday weekend. I remember those last few days of school each year. Just waiting for that bell to ring and release you into freedom for three months. I've been thinking a lot about patience lately, what is it, where do you get it, how long does it last? and I've come to the conclusion that patience comes as a result from working our program. When I'm at a meeting I sometimes speak but more often I listen. And all too often I hear people complaining that they don't have happiness, they're working the steps and yet they are miserable. This can get on your nerves after a while.(just being truthful) I want to say, "This isn't a complicated program, you just need to do the work." Then is dawned on me that what needs to happen before anyone is ready is to surrender completely. To come in knowing that you are hopeless over alcohol. You need to give up the hope that maybe someday you can drink like everyone else. That is not going to happen my friend, an alcoholic never has just one. But it's in that word surrender, to lay it all down, to cease fighting everything and everybody that change begins to happen. This isn't a part time program that you dabble in a few days a week. It's a 24/7 that you work every day no matter where you are. It has become a part of me, a piece of my soul that I carry every day. When I read the book by Christopher Kennedy Lawford "Moments of Clarity" I realized that it's in the moment of clarity everything becomes clear. Enough is enough. It's that split second in which the clouds part and you get that peek of tiny blue sky, and know that you will never be in this position again. I remember mine: My 15 year old came up to get his books, I was getting ice in my glass, he looked at me, looked at the Vodka bottle, grabbed his books and left the room. It was then that my moment of clarity came. I had this horrible realizations that every time my son would hear ice hitting a glass he would think of me making a drink. I knew right then and there that I was done. It was no longer worth it. One of the hardest decisions after your moment of clarity comes is waiting. Waiting for the fog to clear, waiting for change to occur, waiting to work through the steps one by one and not rush them. I hear people say: If I could have done all 12 steps in a day I would! But then the real growth is cheated, for in the quiet, patient time is God's will, his timing is always right. And slowly you do realize that their is a time and a purpose for everything. It requires patience. And faith in your HP. Staying in just this 24 hours requires patience, just staying in our business and not somebody else's is another lesson in waiting. I've started to slow down, to let things unfold, to take a breath and wait. For those who know me personally this is a very hard task for me. But I'm an undisciplined person and I need a lot of discipline in my program. Sometimes I need to remind myself why I surrendered in the first place and then I have to wait, for change comes quietly like a soft summer breeze stealing in through a window. If anyone would like to share their "moment of clarity" I would love to read it. Just a thought.......


  1. I think mine came when my wife drove off and left me after a party and I walked home. She was drunk, unreasonable, and in a black out. I decided that the road I was on was truly leading to more and more sorrow. So I went to my first meeting not long after that. I was ready to be done with being the whipping boy.

  2. thank God for those moments that finally push us to make the decisions we know we need to but have been those last lines and the breeze that blows through. patience has always been my struggle...

  3. Playing the violin at midnight mass, I fell down the altar steps, violin and all. The priest asked me why I wore sunglasses at midnight (evidently a "profiling" thing. Turned out priest had a day job here in Naples, as drug-and-alcohol-abuse-counselor. I had been "made"!!! One of MANY turning points for me.