Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Growing up is hard to do........

I'm in a puzzling state right now. My emotions are in a flux, I feel out of sorts, like my skin doesn't fit just right. Then is dawned on me I'm experiencing growing pains. This feeling occured after last Friday night's stone throwing. When I said good-be to those personal defects of character. I woke up feeling great on Saturday morning and by Saturday evening I could tell that something had shifted inside me. Like the butterfly emerging from the cocoon I'm beginning to "bust out" of my old self. I'm starting to grow up. I've begun to see the subtle changes in myself. With our oldest son Alex I've started to set up boundaries, I've become the guide, the parent. I remember the day my sponsor said to me,"Of course you have a great relationship with your son, you're only two years older than him". What a revelation that was. I started drinking at 17 and I stayed there mentally. My life grew up by my "self" didn't. This of course changes the dynamics between Alex and myself but it's not too bad. When I receive emails from his teachers and there's an assignment missing, I text him the info. and leave it up to him to take care of. It's his high school career. I've also learned not to over ask or pry into personal issues too much. I just let him know I'm willing to listen if he needs to talk. I see relief in his face that I'm not trying to control or fix his life. With our middle son Sam, the growth is huge, both ways. He's changing so fast, from the little boy, to a fourth grader. He has a quest for knowledge, and is into Greek Mythology. I am learning to respect his urgency "to know" and try to provide ways for him to find out more about his interests. I've also started to let go and let him do many things for himself. As for our daughter Gracie, she too is changing so fast. More emotional, more drama, and I need to be more patient and understanding. My experience is with raising the boys so now I need to figure out a girl. I've also changed with my husband. I've begun to notice reactions that he has if we are arguing about something. He almost always takes the role of the victim, and the martyr, while trying to make me feel like I said something the wrong way so I'll say I'm sorry first. This used to be our pattern of fighting but not anymore. I won't by into his agenda. Only I can make myself feel something. This has thrown him a bit off balance but it's me putting my program to work. Walking the walk, not just talking the talk. This weekend will also be a big test for me. We will be going to my parents lake home for the weekend, along with my parent's, and one of my brothers and his family. I used to sit around many campfires and drink. Not anymore. Now I'm looking forward to rising early, taking the kayak out on the lake in the stillness of the morn, having my coffee and doing my daily readings, building sandcastles with the kids, hearing the loons, and the owl hoot at night. Growing up, growing pains. At 41 I've started to shed my skin. It's going to take a while to find out just who I am, to get adjusted to my "grown up" self. I don't regret that it's taken this long, I can't change the past. I can only make sure I don't repeat it, and I feel fortunate because I know there are people out there still suffering and those people may never get the chance to grow up.........

4 comments:

  1. i hope you have a great time this weekend...kayaking is definitely fun...it will be a challenge, but continue the walk which you have already begun...sounds like some good new gowth areas you have got going on...

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  2. growth is uncomfortable for me at times... for me, I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other a day or even moment at a time. this journey we're on is a lifetime journey and a process. enjoy :-)

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  3. "Of course you have a great relationship with your son, you're only two years older than him" - LOL! My friend and I were just talking about this. We figure we're both about the emotional age of 18, now. Not even legally old enough to drink!

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  4. http://itistimetothinkformyself.blogspot.com/2010/05/jingles-may-follower-award-week-4.html

    cool stuff,
    enjoy some gifts.

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