The ups and downs of life......

I always envision spring as a time of renewal. New beginnings, fresh starts, the promise of good things to come. Yet the past week has been a mix of good and bad. Friends are struggling with issues, I've heard many people around the tables say "they are in a dark spot right now", and just this morning I learned of a local man (age 43) who killed himself Friday. Rumours are circulating but it includes a divorce, children, money, custody etc....and I am suddenly reminded that no matter how bright the sun is shining on any given day bad things still happen. I always feel such profound sadness when someone feels that there is no way out accept to end their own lives. That even the promise of tomorrow, which might bring the tiniest bit of hope, isn't worth living for. I have seen the devestation of suicide up close and personal. It touches all who are left living. And yet this is life. Not to be cold or cruel but life is cold and cruel at times. It doesn't matter if the air is warm the sun is bright, to someone who has reached this point, the sun stopped shining a while ago, and there is no warmth. I listened a while back at a Sunday morning meeting when an "old timer" told about his nephew who was an alcoholic, who just couldn't go on, couldn't surrender and took his very young life. This person said it was a perfect time to go out and drink, but he didn't ,he consoled his brother and his family because AA had given him tools for living. Tools for living. I never thought I needed tools for living until I entered AA and realized that at 41 I had zero skills for coping with much of anything. And it's funny with alcoholics, it's not the big events that set you off, it's the small things that cause the straw to break the camels back. All those little things build, and build, and then in an instant they overwhelm you and you loose it. You hide your fears, worries, and coping skills in the bottom of a bottle. I am so thankful that this program has given me choices. The choice to look at a situation and not instantly react, but to give it some thought, weigh the options, and try to do the best that I can with it. Not that I still don't make some dumb decisions. But I no longer punish myself for decisions that aren't the best. I let it go, and try something different. Tools for living. Tools for coping. What an awesome and valuable gift we get. When I was a small child I remember my mother telling me to "be careful when playing around the bleeding heart plant." I always felt this was a funny name for a plant, and there was something mysterious about the fact that it had this strange name, and the flowers seemed so delicate. I now have a bleeding heart planted in one of my gardens, a gift from my father. The plant no longer holds a mystery to me. It resembles life. In many ways we are all like small bleeding hearts, just hanging on the plant of life, fragile and just trying to figure out how we can survive the next blow that life sends out way..... tools for living......tools for life.....tools for survival...