Looking Truth straight in the eye....

At Saturday morning's AA meeting a woman talked about her "euphoria" with alcohol and drugs. She's been using both on and off since she was 17. She came to AA because her husband said if she didn't he would divorce her. She's been sober off and on for about two years. Her face says it all, she looks tormented. She was explaining her love for alcohol and drugs and then went on to say ,"I don't care, I've stopped drinking and using and I'm miserable. I hate how I feel. I need to do a fourth and fifth step, maybe I'll find happiness. I don't know how you all can sit here and say you're happy because I'm not. I was such a high achiever, a great mother, a high functioning alcoholic. And every day I miss it!" I went home and was pondering this testimony when it dawned on me what she was really missing was truth. One of the first things my sponsor told me was to be truthful. Have courage and look truth straight in the eye because it will make the journey possible. Alcohol lies to us, makes us think we are high functioning people when in reality we are out of control. I told myself the same thing, "I'm a great mother" sure I could provide for all their needs, but I never gave of myself. Now my children get my full attention, I listen to their stories, laugh with them, empathize with them and give them what they need the most: ME! They now see a human mother, one who has faults, makes mistakes, and yet loves, and laughs, and gives. I was so glad this lady spoke because it allowed me to see all the things that I used to tell myself. All the little deceptions that alcohol used to whisper in my ear. I now know that alcohol has nothing to do with truth. It's a wasteland that just destoys all it holds captive.

Saturday evening my friend and fellow AA told his story. We share a special bond because he was the person who answered the hotline the day I called. He is always very encouraging to me and others. My husband attended this event with me. He was pretty quiet on the way home, and before I would have picked at him until he finally told me what was on his mind. Now I let him tell me when he wants to. I'm not feeling the need to micromanage so much these days. I thanked him for coming and he said I was welcome. Later when we went to bed he revealed his fears, his worries, and the fact that I was changing so fast that he couldn't process it all. I said "That's OK I can't process it fast enough myself". It was wonderful to talk, to be truthful with one another. Sunday brought sunshine, and friends for dinner. My best friend and I took a long walk together and talked and our children played until dark. It was a good day. Tonight I begin work on the fourth step. My sponsor told me not to fear it, not to beat myself up with shame and guilt. Just take out the skeletons, take a look at them, and see what you can learn from them. I'm ready, even though the change is coming at a fast pace, my HP, my sponsor, the program and my peeps are all there to see me through. Change is good, change is truth, and for once change is right on time......